After my show in America was done, I immediately went to see Nana at the hospital. Her condition was already critical, it broke my heart. Mama, Papa and my sister Carra were already there. Their eyes seemed to be accusing me of being the cause of Nana's pain. I cannot dodge, yes, I'm the cause. I cleared my schedule to be at Nana's bedside at the hospital. I can't go, no matter what. I'll move on when Nana gets better.

Simon showered me with pleas not to completely stop working. He used many excuses; flushed all the ideas in his head, saying all the reasons that sounded plausible in his head, only for me to cancel my decision to take time off from entertainment for Nana's sake.

Simon, Mama, Papa, even Carra will never understand how much Nana means to me. Mama and Papa left me in the village to live with Nana and Dada; my grandparents from Mama—since I was 4 years old. The two of them only brought Carra—who was a newborn at the time, to live in the city to pursue Papa's career.

So, it made Nana my mama, my papa, my sister, and my protector. When I often cried as a small boy feeling about being abandoned by my parents, Nana and Dada held me and taught me to sing instead of cry. In the middle of their apple and cherry orchard, Dada tended the fruit trees while singing to me, Nana also did the same. That way I grew up as the kid who was better at singing than talking. I was trained by my misery to sing with all my heart to stop my sadness and tears.

When I was a teenager, Dada taught me to drive a tractor and motorbike. He also trained me to be a good fruit farmer. Nana still teaches me to sing, even though Nana was not a singer, she has a sweet voice; she just loves to sing and knows a lot of songs. Her voice is pleasant to hear and soothes my heart. It doesn't matter if it's melodious enough or not. Whatever Nana sings, goes straight into my head and I can sing it too. At school, the teachers thought I had a singing talent, so they asked Nana and Dada to let me practice singing after school. Nana was so happy to see many people complimenting my singing talent. Only Dada who occasionally reminds me to keep studying other things, not just singing.

"Main, are you happy?" Dada asked after I became a professional singer. I nodded. I didn't lie back then; I got everything I wanted since childhood; the attention of millions of people, the affection from my fans, all the lauds and flattery, the respect, the awards, and enough money for me to buy anything I want. I feel needed and wanted. Everyone wants to be close to me, work with me, be in the same room or car with me, even if it's just a five-second photo with me. I'm being chased, wanted. I got what I didn't get in my childhood. And I think I made my grandparents and parents proud of me.

"Yes, Dada, I'm happy" I replied.

Dada embraced me, stroking my head as he said, "I hope so, Mein. Because as far as I know, fame is a prison. You are trapped in it. You have to make sure your life and soul are meant to be in that cage. Don't complain… enjoy all the pain of your prison as much as you treasure your joyful fame."

Being famous is like being in prison. I'm imprisoned for my singing career? I still didn't understand that time. Dada knows I don't understand. He promised to explain again later when he had time to visit my apartment in town. But he didn't have time to keep his promise and Simon separated me from that important question.

I returned to the city and to the airport; my stops. From that point on I flew in various directions, then returned to the same stopping point, only to get things ready to go all over again. Simon does his job as a manager to a great extent. What Simon didn't do was give me a chance to go back to Dada, listen to his explanation of what I didn't understand about the prison, or at least fly Dada to my apartment, so that Dada could fulfill his promise to me.

A month after I bought the new house for Dada and Nanna, a drunkard rammed his car into a newspaper stand. My Dada was having a nice chat with the owner of that stand when that huge car hit the stall at top speed. Dada left us all before he could visit my apartment; before clearing my tangled thoughts about this prison I'm building stronger. A year after Dada's departure, I made the fatal mistake of not recognizing Nek Karsih—Nana's close friend, and Nana was admitted to the same hospital where they examined Dada's body when he got the accident. I don't want to read omens, but I don't want to lose my Nana.

Simon, with his managerial ingenuity and the dozens of creative people who worked for him, didn't manage to move me. He persuaded Papa, Mama, and Carra to persuade me to take a break. Simon was wrong. No one was able to make me leave Nana's bed. Until one night in that hospital room, I was asleep on the sofa across from Nana's bed, when Binar's warm lips woke me up.

He was certainly worried about me, and indeed he was the only one who could give me comfort in the midst of this calamity and the restlessness I was feeling at that time. Binar hugged me tightly, kissing my head, ears, and neck; said that Nana was probably tired of all the medical equipment that somehow locked her up.

"Meinchi, my tophat,… you can't keep on crying over her like this. Poor Nana in her pain to hear your cry. Let's pray… with a sweet and pleasing voice…" he cooed. Binar didn't know that I was the one who had broken Nana's heart. Nana should wake up and forgive me first before I try to please her again with all I can.

It went a month without any changes, even though she looks like in a deep sleep, Nana's face does look tired. Binar asked me to pray while kissing Nana's hand. I was of course surprised at his stay beside me in the hospital. He must also be busy with his own show schedules to various cities in many corners of the earth. But he came to the hospital and stayed with me for a couple of days. I can imagine how busy Simon and Kharisma; Binar's manager, were looking after us outside the hospital. Or just to make sure no paparazzi disguised themselves as nurses and doctors filmed or took pictures of Binar and me in Nana's room.

We shouldn't be seen together like this; in my most needy time, in my very personal moment, this close. Moreover, Binar is famous as an artist who represents religious brands. His fans certainly can't accept that their idol’s willingness to pause his brilliant career for a couple of days just to accompany me to wait for my grandmother in her death bed. Not because it was simply a noble deed, but because Binar paused his world for me will be seen as indecorous. That fact will destroy the dreams of millions of Binar fans, about their idol figure performing a closeness act toward me; another male idol. Gossip reporters must have been busy frying up this news. Binar with me. Simon and Kharisma, the managers of Binar, must have been bothered and worked extra hard to cover up this fact.

Even though all these complexities crossed my mind, I didn't really care. So did Binar. We've been hiding our relationship from the public for over a year just because I didn't want to ruin Binar's brilliant career. Binar shouldn't be seen sacrificing himself and his energy for me. That can be a very big and complicated problem. Catastrophic, says Simon.

I always denied public accusations that I was Binar's lover, even though many people suspected us. Binar did that too. A group of his lawyers even have filed legal objections to all the news that telling the public that we are a same-sex couple. One of their sources is Hanun. She's a good friend of Carra, my little sister.

Hanun occasionally becomes a thorn in the flesh for me because I reject her love. She is a volleyball athlete who is more famous for her face and body shape, than her medals. I rejected Hanun because I really loved Binar with all my body and soul. I can't possibly love Hanun. Even though a quarter of the world calls her a woman who is compatible with me because of our physical compatibility.

Hanun will not stop doing everything to hurt me for rejecting her love. I have left the case to God. What can I do to face a vengeful woman like that? She led public opinion against Binar, saying he was "poisoning me into a gay relationship" or making me gay. She did all that with a lot of money. According to Simon, she wouldn't stop until I fell into her arms.

Some of Binar's fans and my fans may have been hit by Hanun's "venom". However, Binar and I have agreed to never confirm all the news that Hanun ignited. For Binar, the news can be very dangerous to his career. How can all these religious brands accept their religious product ambassador who is gay?

For my part, I do not care. But Simon and Charisma are in their greatest predicament. For me, the most important thing at that time was Binar accompanying me at my lowest point beside Nana's bed in the hospital. There has never been a worse moment in my life than this. The fourth-day Binar accompanied me, Nana left me following Dada. I felt the earth split open and I couldn't breathe properly, couldn't even cry out. Binar went down too, and cried with me. He couldn't stand to see me like that.

Nana's departure made me frail; I had to be treated in the same hospital for 1 full week due to a mental breakdown. Our losses are incalculable, said Simon. But he keeps trying to stay busy as my manager. Although photos of me being hospitalized due to grief were circulated in various media, Binar of course did not get caught by the press accompanying me because Simon and Kharisma were indeed extraordinarily skillful managers.