Those Who Left Me For Dead

When the going keeps going

Carolina beach, Carolina city July 1982 me, my abuela and Andrea were on an outing, it was exactly two weeks before my ninth birthday and my abuela thought it was a good idea to take Andrea and I to the beach.

She had brought a full two litre bucket of arepas to sell, as well a picnic box for Andrea and I full of ham sandwiches and Coca-Cola drinks enough for a whole afternoon.

Whilst we frolicked in the shallow waters, she watched us attentively from the rocks, her large pale brown hat shielding her from the searing sun, from time to time a different stranger would approach her and buy an arepa, each time she served her customers she never lost sight of us.

It seemed like an ordinary day at the beach with no incident even I had let go of some of my prejudice about my abuela selling arepas, I half thought if it helped make some money why was I bothered?, I continued to enjoy my swim.

Andrea was the first to leave the water, she said she needed to grab something to eat, I ignored her and resumed my swimming. I was adjusting and enjoying being a Carolina boy, our life in Carolina was modest but happy despite me still yearning and longing for that one phone call from my parents, telling us everything was okay and that they were thinking about us...

When I thought about my parents I got confused and I would get a flash of that incident back in December the thirty first before the fireworks when my father left with that woman...

I wondered if our parents sudden trip abroad had anything to do with it, the longest my father had gone on a business trip was two months now it was almost the end of July exactly seven months without my parents and I was beginning to feel uneasy.

I knew they both loved us and were probably thinking about us but the fact that they both didn't call us bothered me greatly, or maybe they called and we weren't home, Andrea and I were at school.

I couldn't wait to tell them about our new school but what if they knew everything and still didn't bothered to call? so many questions no answers. I did a backstroke momentarily look at the sky a deep hurt in my heart, I really hoped wherever they were they were okay and coming back soon though I didn't want to leave Carolina and return to San Juan lest they comeback.

I decided to go get something to eat too, as I began leaving the waters I saw a peculiar sight. My sister was seated next to abuela on the smooth rocks on the sand, a ham sandwich and Coca-Cola can infront of her feet, her long golden brown hair flying over her face, she kept pushing it behind her ear but the wind was persistent but that was not the sight I found peculiar next to her dress in a casual floor length work dress and an apron was my abuela catering to the two street kids who had stolen her arepas weeks ago.

Instead of chasing them away she had given each of the boys a ham sandwich and a coke can, I lost it and hurried off the water as if i was being chased by sharks.

The boys thanked her profusely before going off laughing heartily amongst themselves content with their food and beverages.

I followed them I was boiling mad, how could my grandmother continued to help them after what they had done?, giving them the arepas that fell from the buckets they stole last time was tolerable now but to continue feeding them was not.

I ran on the rough spiky grains of sand trying to catch up with them, soon I was within armshot of the boys, their backs were on to me the unsuspecting pair kept walking but Andrea had saw me and alerted my grandmother but it was already too late.

I yanked the arm of the boy I had fought with, both boys turned startled before the recognition on their faces calmed them down, I grabbed the Coca-Cola can out of the boys hand and threw it as further as I could into the sea, I had good aim at the distance it reached not even the lifeguards could retrieve it.

Then I wrestled the sandwich from his other hand he didn't give much of a fight, he just loosened his hand and the sandwich which had became squashed fell on the ground getting further ruined by the sand not satisfied with the outcome I stomped on the remains with boiling anger and frustration before saying

"it's my abuela's food it was intended for me and Andrea"

The boy just looked at me defeatedly not responding, his meek demeanor didn't tame me, I lunged for his friends items but this boy fought , we had a push and shove before a large crowd gathered around us my grandmother following suite...

This particular crowd didn't cheer us they instead separated us and tried to get at the bottom of the issue, the boy told them I was attacking them and that I had ruined their food.

I countered that my abuela had gave them the food after they had stolen prior from her and that I didn't want them to have the food and that it should have been mine.

My grandmother once again told everyone I was in the wrong that she had called out the boys to have the food and that it wasn't stolen.

The joke was on me again, I felt betrayed and sold out, I was incensed.

One elderly man told the boy who still remained with some bread to give me back the sandwich, the boy reluctantly did as he was told but I didn't stretch out my hand to receive it not just because it was ruined but because I didn't want it anymore but my grandmother forced me to take it, so I took it not raising my head to the boy as he handed it to me.

He also gave me with shaking hands the Coca-Cola, I took it with the other hand

"have a bite" the elderly man urged me again I couldn't

Ham sauce leaked at the corner of the sandwich soiling my hand and becoming sticky on my fingers nauseating me...

"go ahead you were willing to take it from the mouth of a poor boy now it's yours enjoy it" he said.

The words infused and laced at my soul like poison, they stuck and did it's perilous intent, my abuela forced me to take a bite so I took a large bite and threw the remains on the ground, the bread tasted like cardboard on the tip of my tongue.

I felt none of the ham sauce flavor on my palate, when I tried to swallow it seemed to stuck hard against my throat like chalk unmoving.

The elderly man gave the streetboys some coins and told them to buy something else to eat and left, soon the crowd dispersed everyone giving a look of shame as they went.

I may have been a little boy then but I knew one thing after, or I remembered the taste of something...shame, I knew the test of shame. After the incident I expected my abuela to pack up and prepare us to go home but instead she and Andrea resumed their occupation on the rocks as if nothing had occurred.

I didn't feel like eating or swimming anymore but didn't have the courage to join my family and my abuela didnt show the effort of wanting me in their space.

The sandwiches I had ruined, lay on the ground stained by sand a feet from each other, my foot had remnants of the sandwich I had trampled on, my hand had sauce and bread crumbs all over.

I prepared to go wash it off when in the distance I saw one of the street boys showing off a stuffed arepa to his friend which he had bought.

The extreme joy and glee on his face was similar to the one I had eleven months prior when my father bought me a mini quad bike. I always thought I was right and justified until that moment because this time I had infact been wrong.

I had prevented two hungry boys a meal I didn't even need, I felt guilt and a heartache growing in my chest but the damage had already been done, I had no way of correcting my mistake. I finally took my walk of shame, stained hand, foot and pride and decided to sit on a rock furthest from my family.

I spent the rest of the evening watching locals have fun on the beach, later abuela and Andrea fixed selling the rest of the arepas and headed out to the beach for a final swim. Whilst Andrea swam in the shallow waters abuela stood nearby in the shallow where only her feet reached the water.

I felt a tear cloud my vision because I missed my parents now, I had humiliated myself and my family again, I had ruined what should've been a joyous occasion on the beach and above all I had deprived two boys of a having a good meal.