I was, not myself. It was obvious to me that I was responsible for the death of Alan and Brian and the injuries to red and Earl. Everyone was saying that I couldn't have done anything to stop what happened. I felt like that was bull shit. I should have made sure that the search had been mare intensive. I might not have cared for Rita but Alan did. It's not just the people I care about that matter. If April, for instance, had gone. I would have made everyone search. If Janet had gone I might not have sent everyone out the same. Who am I to choose who is worth time and effort. I left the house early this morning. I had to be alone. I had all my gear on and went down to the bottom of the drive I had a hammer chisel and line of string on two metal pins. I walked hoping that would let everyone know that I hadn't gone far and would be back. Earl was in bad shape and Rad looked like he would be OK but out of the work detail for quite some time. I was going to patch up some dry stone wall d

My guts were feeling a lot better now. Rita was behaving better as well. Things were starting to be good. Wright had popped round to see how we were getting on. He never stayed long but his visits were getting longer. We had started to trade with him for small things not much just the odd bit of food for ladies sanitary things that he didn't need. I had realised that we needed more contraception. It occurred to me that I wasn't the only person having sex there was Gaz and Lucy as well and if more people came they would more than likely need it too. For some strange reason, I put the radio on. I had got it in my head that if the government was still going they might broadcast on the radio. I went through all the stations and only got static. It was disappointing but I decided to try at least once a day to be safe.April was clearing up after breakfast. I walked up behind her and gave her bum a little squeeze."Im going to the barn to get cracking on."I tell her

The radio message was driving me mental putting me in a foul mood. April went to put an arm over me and I shrugged her off angrily. She sat up in bed sharply giving me daggers. "What's up with you. Ya mardy bastard." I got up and dressed without saying anything and left the bedroom. I didn't intend to slam the door but I did. I was the first one up this morning so I brewed up some coffee in the cafeteria. I wasn't hungry so I just poured a cup and went for a fag. I took Jessie out with me. I was glad that putting on heavy boots and coat. Remembering to always have a weapon on me. A weapon was starting to be like a comfort blanket.  Walked around the farm checking the perimeter. Jessie was running all over the place bouncing around. I saw some movement in the house so I decided that I would just get to work in the barn. I was still in no mood for people. When I got to the barn I was distracted and really not in the mood for work. I was pott

4th October Being knocked is a shit way to go to sleep. Waking up is fucking horrible. Nothing like in the films. When you come around nothing is in focus. Your arms and legs don’t feel like they have bones. Then to top it off you are confused as to where you are.This awakening was no different to any other time I have been knocked out. I could tell I was inside and somewhere dark. While blinking frantically I heard something. A voice but I wasn’t sure if I knew it. My head was still foggy.“Me. Is that you?”My fat tongue was getting in the way of me speaking. It was like I had a burger in my mouth.“Yeah.”Was the only sound that made any sense.  The rest was mumble

5th October evening and night I was the first one to speak but I wasn’t friendly. My tone was that of anger not urgency or sympathy. People had tried to take advantage too many times and I wasn’t just going to roll over and let someone do it again. From where I was stood I couldn’t see anyone else and looking at Gaz and Red they couldn’t see anything either.“So where is your dad then?”“He's laid down in the back seats. He can’t get out please. Come and help.”Fuck me this kid is pretty convincing but everyone is. If I tell Red to go see to him and it’s a trap we loose the closest thing we have to a Doc. If I don’t and there is a guy dying in the back I’m responsible for him dying. On the other hand Red still had things to make up for.“Open the door and let me see. No, one is coming out of here until we see.”“You won’t