Sid's Zombie Survival Guide

I'm a self-employed builder and drug dealer. my name is sid. I went out last night and I have the mother of all hangovers. my mouth is like Gandhi's flip flop. 

Today is Sunday and have a day of nothing planned the perks of being single I suppose. Know one to think about and no one to tell me what to do. I slowly and carefully swing my legs out of the bed gently putting my feet down.

 one hit the carpet and the other hit what I will describe as cold and slimy with a crunch to it. I look down to see that I have literally put my foot in it. when I say it I don't mean shit but a kebab from last night. there was Donna meat poking up between my toes, and chilli sauce up the side of my foot. with a sigh I put my head in my hands, this is too much for a man in my condition. I lift my head and look for something to clean up with and see that this is not my bedroom. I turn and see the outline of something under the duvet.

"fuck."

I whisper. think who is this. what is this, where am I panic coursing through my fucked up head and body? coming down from the night before and the hangover is not how I like to start the day. 

I see a box of tissues and stand up. the Donna meat squeezes up further between my toes causing the bile in my stomach to churn. I reach the tissues and sit down hoping not to wake the thing in the bed at the side of me.

 I say a thing as I was in a drug and alcohol-fueled binge, and it could be an elephant for all I know. I lift my leg and start to clean up my foot, 

as I am finishing I feel a hand touch my back and hear a rasping cough of a smoker and then a woman's voice. 

"come back to bed you are one kinky fucker."

 at least it's a woman I think so far so good to myself, and turn to see a woman I suppose. I use the term lightly she is the most hideous creature I have ever seen in existence. so skinny you can see the outline of bone and blue veins. her hair was like a birds nest not just messed up but wirey, and with a texture of straw, and her teeth what she had left anyway were yellow and black. I turned away so quickly that I nearly gave myself whiplash.

 my brain felt like a pea in a drum and was now pounding harder and faster with my ever-increasing heartbeat, the only word I say is. 

"Bathroom."

starting to stand she says.

"Straight out the door."

I must still be pissed and have the effects of the drugs still in my system as my legs feel like rubber. I stagger back into the kabab. no time to worry about that, I'm about to spew my ring up, I run at the door feeling the contents of my stomach rise, I hit the door and it closes, vomit hits the door and sprays everywhere and gets me. I grab the handle and pull the door open and run again going down to my knees as I reach the toilet. vomit coming up again the toilet lid was down I lift it at the same time as the vomit comes out of my mouth and nose. some hit the lid and with the force of me lifting the lid at the same time it is flicked around the bathroom.

 when I have emptied myself of everything and maybe even a kidney, I look in the mirror I'm naked. I have orange vomit dripping from my chin and my incredibly small cock. I am being very generous hear calling it a cock. as if you don't know speed makes it shrivel up like a frightened turtle. it looks more like a clitoris. you can still get an erection, but my god when you don't you look like a woman. my complexion was grey.

"Do you mind if I get a shower? I will clean up the mess after I'm really sorry about this."

I call into the bedroom. 

"We have all been there sweetly. you get yourself cleaned up and I will have it all sorted before you are done. do you want some breakfast?"

 Oh god, the thought of food repulses me. no thanks, I'm OK. I need to get off as soon as I can I'm meant to be meeting someone. I lie. 

When I get home the comedown is kicking in properly now. The feeling of suicide and depression mixed with severe paronoyer is almost too much to bear. The thoughts that everyone in the world is talking shit about me. I got a drink of water and collapse onto the sofa face first. I feel so low I could cry.

 I switch on the TV. The news was on it was just making me feel worse. they were saying something about Afghanistan there had been a murder somewhere. And there was a new flu virus epidemic or something. I needed something more light-hearted. So I put RuPaul's drag race on. 

I like this but it left me feeling confused. I know that they are all men but. if I was out and had had a few drinks I would probably try it on with some of them. After a few episodes. 

I was starting to feel more like my old self. I got up and went to the fridge and got a beer. 

My phone rang. I looked at the screen, Dan.

"Alright, what's happening."

" You were a fucking disgrace last night my friend."

 Followed by a Chuckle.

"And what was that thing you left with. That is a new low what were you thinking."

I feel my blood pressure rise with embarrassment.

 "Look I was off my tits I don't even know its name. And today I feel like an orc gave birth to a shit baby and that shit baby is me. I can't remember anything after seven last night and I want you to do the same so we can still be mates OK."

"OK ok, it's forgotten do you want to come out for hair of the dog."

"Did I piss anyone off last night?"

" I don't know I've just forgotten."

" OK, smart arse and I've got a few tins in do you want to come over."

" Yeah why not I'll be there in a bit."

"OK see ya."

 I hung up and had a sip of my beer and my body tried to repel it straight away. I forced it to stay down. One more of these and it will all be OK. I slump back down on the sofa and resume watching the TV. 

About an hour later my door opens and Dan walked in. He never knocked as if he had he knew that I would only shout to come in. 

"Dick head"

He says as he walks past me.

"Alright, I say. "

He got two cans from the fridge and tossed one to me. I was still nursing the first one. it was getting warm so I down it in one. Dan sat down on the other end of the sora. He pulls the Ashtray to the edge of the coffee table and flix me a fag. He sparks one up for himself and tosses me the lighter. As soon as he has started to take a drag he starts to cough when he has stopped.

"I must have smoked forty fags last night. I woke up sounding like Darth Vader. What were you on last night any way you were talking utter shit?"

He says to me. 

"You know me it was just a bit of Billy. OK, it might have been a bit too much. I had been drinking since dinner time."

"You and Billy. You need to slow down not speed up. Life is passing you by and you can't remember any of it. But everyone else can."

"OK, mum is the lecturer over yet."

"I'm just looking out for you OK." 

"Have you seen the news yet?"

"Not properly why."

"There's a flu bug going around, and people are dying from it." 

He starts coughing again.

" It's probably nothing just the news trying to stir shit up like normal."

" Are you OK you look and sound like shit?"

 I"You have been hearing for about five seconds and do nothing but try to cough up a lung. You better not have it and pass it on to me I can't handle feeling any worse. Then I already do."

" Na just the fags. I need to quit. My throat is feeling a bit raw though."

We sat around for the next few hours talking drinking and watching films. We ran out of beers and decided to go to the pub. When we walked in it was dead. 

"Alright, Val."

I shout to the landlady. 

"Alright, dick heads. What can I get ya?"

 She replies with a smile.

" I'll have a pint get this prick what he wants"

I toss a tenner on the bar as I walk past. 

The toilets stunk so bad I could taste it. I was not hanging around in here the smell of urine and bleach stung my eyes and throat. 

I started to remember something from last night. A man started coughing at the side of me in the urinal and lost control of his hose. He sprayed my jeans which led to me getting a bit annoyed. I had a vague recollection of putting his head on the rim of the toilet. Closing the lid and stamping on it. I looked over to the cubicle the seat was completely ruined. 

Shit, I hiss who was it. I wondered if he was OK. I have fucked up again. I and my fucking temper are always too quick to lose it. I shake off and look at my hands there doesn't seem to be any more than normal. Fuck it I'll see if Val says anything. If she doesn't I won't. I zip up and leave the toilet. 

Dan is setting up a game of pool. I go to the bar and get my drink. A y change val. It's going towards the new loo seat you owe me. Oh yeah sorry about that. You will go too far one day. Yeah, maybe who was he. I don't know he must have just moved to the village or someone passing through. Don't worry about it when we found him he didn't even know his own name, never mind who had attacked him. No one will say a word if the police come around. Cheers Val, I owe you I will sort the toilet out for you. 

I go over to the pool table. I heard Val talking to you. You are one sick puppy. So you know a bit more about last night now then. We definitely gave you the right name. Yeah yeah, heads or tails you call. 

MY real name is Steven. But ever since school I have been called sid by friends and family. There was a kid in my class getting bullied and I saw red and put the bully in the hospital. I have always been big and never liked seeing anyone being picked on, for any reason ever since I have been called sid after sid vicious. 

We spend the rest of the day drinking and chatting with Val. The bar stayed quiet. It's dead in here today init. Yeah, I think it's down to the flu scare. The news is telling people to stay away from public places, as much as possible.

Dan started coughing again. I'm off I've got work in the morning and I'm starting to feel like shit. Fair enough mate see ya later. 

I finished my drink shortly after and went home.