All Chapters of Department of unintentional Heroics: Chapter 51
- Chapter 60
90 chapters
Chapter 51: The B.E.A.N.S War
Chapter 51 – The B.E.A.N.S. WarBy the time Theo woke up the next morning, the world smelled faintly of burnt toast, fear, and navy bean stew. That was never a good sign.Steve was pacing their hideout’s living room, muttering into his headset. Brie was in the kitchen sharpening a bread knife so aggressively it sounded like she was trying to invent a new genre of industrial music. And Linda was calmly sipping coffee like everything was normal, even though Theo could see a military-grade dossier half-hidden under her mug.“What… happened?” Theo asked, rubbing his eyes. “Why does it smell like bean soup and impending doom?”Steve turned to him, eyes wild. “Because, rookie, the B.E.A.N.S. have declared war.”Theo blinked. “The… beans? Like legumes?”“Not legumes,” Brie corrected, holding up her knife. “The Brotherhood of Experimental And Nefariously Strategic operatives. Acronym: B.E.A.N.S.”“They’ve been our rival agency for years,” Linda explained with suspicious calm. “They believe th
Chapter 52: The Carnival Of Calamity
Chapter 52 – The Carnival of CalamityThe city of Bellmare was famous for two things: its pristine canals lined with pastel-colored houses… and its annual Carnival of Calamity. Nobody could quite explain why the people of Bellmare celebrated by deliberately unleashing chaos upon themselves, but one thing was clear: it was an event unlike any other.“Why are we here again?” Percy asked, staring at a man in a chicken costume chasing a barrel down the street.“Because,” declared Felix with all the authority of a seasoned adventurer, “this is where information flows best. Festivals are like taverns, but louder and with more fire hazards.”The group had just finished another bizarre detour involving a haunted harp that wouldn’t stop singing breakup ballads, and now they were in Bellmare, lured by rumors that someone in the Carnival’s grand parade might know something about the shards of the relic.The Carnival was sensory overload. Jugglers tossed flaming torches while balancing on tightro
Chapter 53: The Ballad of the Bumbling Bards
Chapter 53 – The Ballad of the Bumbling BardsThe village of Windlewick was famous for three things: cheese wheels the size of hay bales, gossip faster than a dragon in heat, and—most importantly—its annual Festival of the Foolish, a grand event where anyone with a flute, drum, or even two pots to bang together could call themselves a bard for a day.Naturally, Marcus thought it was a perfect opportunity to “blend in and not draw attention.”Which is why, of course, he ended up wearing a pair of baggy striped trousers, a jester’s hat with bells, and carrying a lute that he couldn’t play to save his life.“Why,” sighed Tilda, her face hidden behind her palm, “do I travel with you lunatics?”“Because we’re family now,” said Pip cheerfully, adjusting the small drum strapped across his chest. He gave it a tentative boom-boom, then grinned. “Also, because you secretly love chaos.”“I do not.”“You absolutely do,” Elara chimed in, twirling a ribbon wand she’d swiped from a stall. She flicke
Chapter 54: The Dragon, the Doughnut, and the Deadline
Chapter 54 – The Dragon, the Doughnut, and the DeadlineThe dragon wasn’t supposed to be in the cafeteria.Theo realized this the same way everyone else did: when the roof peeled back like a sardine tin and a pair of glowing, sulfur-yellow eyes peered down at the lunch line.“...Please tell me that’s just a new vending machine,” Brie whispered, clutching her tray of macaroni.The dragon roared, smoke curling from its nostrils, and three terrified interns dropped their trays in unison.“Nope,” said Steve. “That’s the real deal. Fire, scales, and an attitude problem.”“Why is there a dragon in the cafeteria?” Theo asked, ducking as a chair flew across the room in the panic.“Deadline,” said Lucy, appearing beside them with a tablet in hand, as though dragons were an everyday occurrence. “Someone failed to submit the dragon appeasement paperwork before end-of-quarter. Standard protocol says: if you don’t file, they come to collect.”“Collect what?” Brie asked nervously.Lucy scrolled. “B
Chapter 55: Bureaucracy vs. Behemoth
Chapter 55 – Bureaucracy vs. BehemothThe dragon incident should have been the day’s peak catastrophe.It wasn’t.By mid-afternoon, the Department had received no fewer than twelve complaints from neighboring agencies, three fines from the Bureau of Mythological Infrastructure, and one very passive-aggressive email from the Mayor’s office titled: “Please Stop Letting Dragons Eat Our Doughnuts.”Theo sat slumped in a conference room chair, staring at the whiteboard where Lucy had written DAMAGE REPORT in bold letters. Beneath it, she had bullet-pointed:Roof: Gone.Cafeteria: Smoldering.Morale: Questionable.Doughnuts: Extinct.“Extinct?” Theo asked weakly.Lucy nodded. “The dragon cleared out the entire regional supply. Not just our cafeteria. Every bakery in a five-mile radius is reporting shortages.”Steve folded his arms. “So what you’re saying is, we’ve just triggered a pastry famine.”“Basically, yes.”Brie slammed her hands on the table. “This is worse than I thought.”Theo bli
Chapter 56 :The baker of Unreasonable power
Chapter 56 – The Baker of Unreasonable PowerThe industrial bakery district was deceptively quiet. No dragons, no screaming citizens, no collapsing rooftops—just the faint smell of yeast and flour lingering in the air.Theo parked the van in front of a massive warehouse with a flickering neon sign that read:“DoughMageddon: The Last Honest Bakery”Steve whistled. “Dramatic name for a pastry shop.”Lucy checked her notes. “According to Department records, this is the only bakery still functioning after the dragon incident. Which means…”Brie bounced in her seat. “Which means this is where we find our legendary baker!”Theo sighed. “Or we’ll find an overworked guy who hates his job and definitely doesn’t want to make ten thousand doughnuts for free.”“Legendary baker,” Brie repeated firmly.Inside, the bakery looked less like a kitchen and more like a fortress. Giant ovens lined the walls, conveyor belts rattled like ancient machines of war, and flour dust hung in the air like smoke. At
Chapter 57: The Trial of Frosting
Chapter 57 – The Trial of FrostingThe bakery was silent for all of ten seconds. Then, with a snap of his flour-dusted fingers, Pâtissier Supreme summoned the second trial.The conveyor belts retracted. The ovens dimmed. A great metal vat rose slowly from the floor with a hiss of steam. It churned ominously, overflowing with thick, glossy frosting that shimmered like molten lava.Theo stared. “That looks less like frosting and more like something that’ll dissolve human skin.”Lucy scrolled through her tablet. “Actually, based on viscosity and thermal emission, it’s likely a mix of confectioner’s sugar, butterfat, and… possibly arcane stabilizers.”Steve grinned like a madman. “So basically edible napalm. Excellent.”Brie squealed. “It’s beautiful!”Pâtissier Supreme’s eyes glowed brighter. “The Trial of Frosting will test your artistry, your balance, and your tolerance for diabetic shock. You must decorate one hundred doughnuts… while the frosting vat erupts.”Theo raised a hand. “Qui
Chapter 58: The Trial of Deep Fry
Chapter 58 – The Trial of Deep FryThe bakery rumbled like an awakening volcano. The frosting geysers vanished into the floor, the conveyor belts stilled, and the entire chamber rotated with a mechanical grind. Out of the shifting tiles rose a monstrosity of culinary engineering: a deep fryer the size of a small swimming pool, filled with boiling golden oil.Theo’s stomach turned just looking at it. “Okay. That’s… that’s not a fryer. That’s a war crime.”Lucy was already adjusting her goggles. “Estimated temperature: 375 degrees Fahrenheit. Splash radius: catastrophic.”Steve clapped his hands, practically vibrating with glee. “Finally! My entire life has led to this moment.”Theo gave him a look. “Your life? Specifically? Has led to… frying things in a death vat?”“Absolutely. I was born for fried chaos.”Pâtissier Supreme’s voice echoed through the chamber:“THE TRIAL OF DEEP FRY. To advance, you must create doughnuts with the perfect crisp, without burning, undercooking, or—”The f
Chapter 59: The Sprinkle Storm Massacre
Chapter 59 – The Sprinkle Storm MassacreThe bakery ceiling cracked open like the sky splitting in half. Glittering light poured down, and with it—plink, plink, plink.Theo blinked as something sharp hit his forehead. He rubbed it, and when his hand came away, he was holding… a sprinkle. A rainbow-colored, candy-coated cylinder about half an inch long.“Oh. That’s… not so bad,” he muttered.Then the storm began.Sprinkles the size of bullets rained from above, pinging against metal, shattering tiles, slicing across conveyor belts. Each impact rang like hail against steel, and every second the downpour intensified.Theo shrieked. “Correction: very bad. Horribly bad. Lethally confectionary bad!”Brie twirled under the candy downpour like she was dancing in a musical number. “It’s beautiful! It’s like glitter, but weaponized!”Lucy shielded her eyes with a clipboard. “Projectile velocity approximately 90 miles per hour. Impact strength equal to industrial nail guns.”Theo ducked as a sp
Chapter 60: The Banquet of Betrayal
Chapter 60 – The Banquet of Betrayal (and Bad Buffet Choices)The Great Hall of Havenbrook Academy had been transformed overnight from a place of homework stress, magical misfires, and the occasional food fight into a shimmering palace of chandeliers, glowing runes, and far too many plates of suspiciously jiggling pudding. Banners of gold and silver hung from the enchanted ceiling, shifting images of past academy “heroes” glaring down as though silently judging anyone who dared eat with their hands.It was the Centennial Banquet of Magical Excellence—a mouthful of a title, both literally and metaphorically. Every hundred years, the academy threw a feast to honor the “legacy of magical learning,” which in practice meant: free food, too much music, and the perfect excuse for rivalries to boil over like a cauldron left unattended.“Why is everything glowing?” Jasper muttered as he eyed a tray of cupcakes that sparkled like radioactive stars.“Because it’s magical,” Serena answered, scoop