The Dungeon Master's Dating Disaster

Chapter 3: The Compliment Chain

Kaelira didn’t wait for the cider. She snatched her hand back as if Rivenox’s skin had turned into molten lead, her face flushed a deep, furious crimson that rivaled the rose petals scattered across the floor.

"I can't believe I almost fell for it," she hissed, her fingers white-knuckled around the hilt of her broadsword. "The mist, the candles, the... the jazz skeletons! This is some kind of psychological warfare, isn't it? You’re trying to rot my brain so you can bypass my divine protection!"

"Kaelira, I swear on my dark throne, I am just as much a victim here as you are!" Rivenox pleaded, backing away with his hands raised. "I just wanted faster loading times! I didn't ask for the 'Midnight Musk' fog machine!"

"Liar!" Kaelira lunged.

The divine blade carved a glittering arc through the perfumed air. Rivenox braced for the impact, his eyes snapping toward the console. Usually, his 'Void Aegis' would flare to life, a shield of pure shadow. Instead, a massive, neon-pink prompt blocked his vision.

[WARNING: LETHAL INTENT DETECTED!]

[COUNTER-MEASURE: SINCERE ADMIRATION SHIELD.]

[INSTRUCTION: Compliment the Hero’s combat prowess to activate defense. Failure to be poetic will result in 100% damage taken.]

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me!" Rivenox yelled as the sword came whistling toward his neck.

"Die, you silver-tongued devil!" Kaelira screamed.

"Your... your swing!" Rivenox blurted out, ducking under the blade. "It’s so fluid! The way you transition from a high guard to a low sweep is like a... uh... a violent river of golden justice!"

A shimmering barrier of soft, iridescent light snapped into existence. Kaelira’s sword hit the shield and bounced back with a chime that sounded suspiciously like a harp.

[BLOCK SUCCESSFUL! QUALITY OF PRAISE: B-PLUS.]

[CORE TEMPERATURE: STABILIZING.]

Kaelira stumbled back, blinking. "What was that? Why did your shield sound like a wedding invitation?"

"It’s the system!" Rivenox shouted, his voice cracking. "I can’t defend myself unless I say nice things about you! Please, Kaelira, stop attacking! I’m running out of adjectives!"

"I’ll give you an adjective! How about 'Dead'?" Kaelira charged again, her blade glowing with a blinding white heat. She brought the sword down in a vertical overhead strike. "Sun-Severing Strike!"

Rivenox scrambled backward, tripping over a skeleton that was currently trying to offer him a napkin. "Wait! Wait! The way the light catches your armor when you’re about to execute me! It’s actually quite striking! It highlights the... the craftsmanship of the Sun-Order’s smiths! And your deltoids! They’re very well-defined!"

The harp chimed again. The golden blade hit an invisible cushion of pink light an inch from Rivenox’s nose.

[CRITICAL BLOCK! QUALITY OF PRAISE: A-MINUS.]

[SYSTEM NOTE: Mentioning her physique was a 'Bold Choice.' Heroine is 12% more flustered.]

"My... my deltoids?" Kaelira stopped, her sword trembling in mid-air. Her face was now a color that shouldn't be humanly possible. "You’re noticing my muscle definition in the middle of a death-match? Rivenox, have you finally lost your mind? Have the shadows rotted your brain?"

"I'm desperate!" Rivenox cried, wiping sweat from his brow. "If I don't praise you, the core overheats! Look at the floor! It’s literally glowing pink! Elira, tell her! Tell her I’m being forced into this!"

"He’s telling the truth, Lady Hero!" Elira’s voice echoed cheerfully from the ceiling. "The 'Tyrant’s Wrath' update was corrupted. We’re currently operating under 'True Love’s Path' logic. If the Boss isn't charming, the whole dungeon explodes. So, really, your life depends on him being a total sweetheart."

Kaelira looked from the wisp of light to Rivenox, who was currently leaning against his throne, panting. "This is a nightmare. This is my actual literal nightmare. I am the Scourge of Evil, not... not a 'Bold Choice'!"

"Look, can we just talk?" Rivenox asked. "I'll give you the loot. I'll give you the 'Eye of the Abyss.' Just take it and go, and tell everyone I put up a legendary fight."

"I can't take the loot if I haven't defeated the boss!" Kaelira argued, though her stance was loosening. "It’s against the Hero’s Code! I have to earn it through trial by combat!"

"Then make the combat easier for me!" Rivenox snapped. "Throw a punch or something! My vocabulary is reaching its limit! I’ve already used 'radiant' twice in my head!"

Suddenly, the heavy side doors of the chamber, the ones designed to withstand a siege, were kicked open with a thunderous crash.

"Boss! I heard the alarm! I’m here to,"

Draven Stonefall, the Head of Dungeon Security, stormed into the room. He was a man made of scars, heavy plate armor, and bad intentions. He carried a twin-headed greataxe that was still dripping with the blood of a stray monster. He took one look at the room, the roses, the candles, the jazz-playing skeletons, and Rivenox cowering behind a pink shield and froze.

"What... what is this?" Draven asked, his voice a low, gravelly rumble. "Why is there a saxophone player in the throne room? And why do you smell like a flower shop, Boss?"

"Draven! Thank the gods!" Rivenox straightened up, feeling a surge of hope. "The system is glitched! Kill the hero! Or at least distract her so I can reboot the core!"

Draven grunted, hefting his axe. "I don't know what kind of weird ritual you're running, but I know how to handle a Paladin. Move aside."

He took a step toward Kaelira, his eyes narrowed. But before he could even raise his axe, a giant, sparkling UI box slammed into the air in front of him.

[EXTERNAL INTERFERENCE DETECTED.]

[SITUATION: TWO’S COMPANY, THREE’S A CROWD.]

[APPLYING DEBUFF: 'THE THIRD WHEEL.']

"Wait, what's a Third Wheel?" Draven asked, squinting at the glowing letters.

A beam of harsh, fluorescent light not the romantic kind suddenly spotlighted Draven. A small, invisible speaker began playing a very loud, very annoying kazoo version of a sad ballad.

"Get out of the way, Draven!" Rivenox warned.

"I’m trying to attack!" Draven roared, lunging at Kaelira.

But as he moved, the floor beneath him seemed to turn into a treadmill. He was sprinting at full speed, but he wasn't getting any closer to the Paladin. He was just running in place, his heavy armor clanking uselessly while the kazoo music got louder.

"What is this sorcery?" Draven yelled. "Why can't I reach her?"

"The system says you’re ruining the 'Intimate Tension,' Draven!" Elira shouted down. "You’ve been designated as the 'Annoying Best Friend Who Doesn't Get the Hint.' You’re technically invisible to the narrative right now!"

"I am the Head of Security!" Draven screamed, swinging his axe at the air. "I am not an annoying best friend!"

"Rivenox," Kaelira said, ignoring the man running in place five feet away from her. "Your head of security is currently being humiliated by a woodwind instrument."

"I know," Rivenox groaned. "Believe me, I know. Can we please focus? The core is at ninety percent capacity. If we don't 'Advance the Plot,' this whole floor is going to turn into a giant heart-shaped crater."

"And what does 'Advancing the Plot' mean?" Kaelira asked, her voice cautious.

Rivenox looked at the console. A new button had appeared. It was gold, glittering, and labeled: [THE DRAMATIC REVELATION].

"I think I have to tell you a secret," Rivenox said, his heart sinking. "Something... something 'vulnerable'."

"Don't you dare," Kaelira said, stepping back. "Don't you dare tell me you had a lonely childhood or that you only became a Dark Lord because your dad didn't love you. I won't hear it!"

"I don't want to tell you!" Rivenox shouted back. "But if I don't, we’re all going to die in a cloud of pink glitter and jazz! Do you want that to be your legacy? Kaelira Vantessa, the Hero who died because she was too stubborn to listen to a monologue?"

Kaelira bit her lip, looking at the struggling Draven, then back at Rivenox. "Fine. Make it quick. And make it believable."

Rivenox took a deep breath. He hated this. He hated the system. He hated the update. He looked Kaelira in the eye, trying to find something, anything that wasn't a total lie.

"Actually," Rivenox started, his voice dropping to a lower, softer register. "The reason I built this dungeon... it wasn't for world domination. Not really."

Kaelira narrowed her eyes. "Then why?"

"I just wanted somewhere where the world couldn't reach me," Rivenox said, and to his horror, he realized he actually meant it. "Up there, everyone wants something. They want a savior, or a villain, or a tax collector. In here... it’s just me and my traps. It’s the only place I felt like I had control. Until today."

The system chimed. It wasn't a harp this time. It was a deep, resonant cello.

[REVELATION ACCEPTED. SINCERITY LEVEL: 98%.]

[HEROINE EMOTIONAL STATE: 'SHAKEN.']

Kaelira’s sword finally lowered completely. The divine light flickered out. She looked at Rivenox, not as a monster, but as a man who looked very, very tired.

"Control is an illusion, Rivenox," she said softly. "I’m a Paladin. My entire life is dictated by the Sun-Order. I don't even get to choose what I eat for breakfast. It’s always 'Holy Oats' and 'Blessed Water.'"

"That sounds miserable," Rivenox admitted.

"It is," she whispered.

They stood there for a moment, the silence between them growing thick and heavy. Even the skeletons stopped playing. Draven had finally given up and was sitting on the floor, watching them with a look of pure confusion.

"Well," Kaelira said, her voice shaking slightly. "I suppose that counts as a 'Meaningful Interaction.' Are we done?"

"I think so," Rivenox said, checking the console. "The core is cooling down. If we just,"

Kaelira took a step toward him, perhaps to reach for the loot, perhaps just to move past him. But her boot, still slick from the rose petals and the 'Refreshing Mist,' found no purchase on the smooth stone.

"Whoa!" she gasped, her arms windmilling.

"Watch out!" Rivenox lunged forward to catch her.

He caught her, his arms wrapping around her waist. For a second, it was perfect. It was the 'Destined Save' the system had been angling for. But Rivenox had forgotten one very important detail.

In his panic to catch her, his heel had slammed down on a specific, decorative floor tile right in front of the throne. A tile he had personally designed three years ago for a very different purpose.

Click.

"Uh oh," Rivenox whispered.

"What was that noise?" Kaelira asked, her face inches from his.

"That," Rivenox said, "was the manual override for the 'Oubliette of Shame.'"

Before Kaelira could ask what that meant, the floor beneath them vanished.

"RIVENOX!" Kaelira screamed as they both plummeted into the darkness.

"DAMN YOU, UPDATE 4.0!" Rivenox yelled, his voice fading as they tumbled down the hidden chute toward the monster-infested lower levels.

High above, Draven Stonefall stood up, the kazoo music finally stopping. He looked at the hole in the floor, then at the pink-clad skeletons.

"I’m quitting," Draven said to the empty room. "I’m going to go be a farmer."