Too Late, My Ex-Wife: Her Regret After Our Daughter's Death

Chapter 9: Keep It

Third Person's POV:

"Stay with me," Nathan was saying behind her. "Lily stay with me. We are almost there."

The same words he had used before. In the same voice.

Vivienne drove faster.

She did not let herself think about the fact that she had been thirty minutes away for the last hour and a half. She did not let herself think about the verification check she had scheduled for this morning that she had postponed because Roman said there was no rush. She drove and she listened to Nathan's voice in the back seat saying her daughter's name over and over.

Then her phone rang.

Roman.

She glanced at it on the seat beside her.

It rang again.

She answered on speaker. "Roman I cannot talk right now."

"Vivienne." His voice was urgent and slightly breathless. "It is Leo. He was running on the stairs after you left and he fell. He is bleeding and I cannot get the bleeding to stop and I do not know what to do I do not know where the nearest hospital is from here I need you."

Vivienne's hands tightened on the wheel.

"He fell down the stairs," Roman said. "There is a lot of blood Vivienne. I am scared."

In the back seat Nathan said "Lily open your eyes. Lily."

Vivienne looked in the rearview mirror. Nathan had Lily against his chest and Lily's head was back and her face was the color of the walls in the hospital corridor where Vivienne had stood holding Roman's hand four days ago.

And something happened in her mind that she would never be able to fully explain afterward. Some mechanism that had been protecting her from something she could not afford to know clicked into place and offered her an explanation that was easier than the one in front of her.

Nathan had done this before. Used Lily to pull her away from things. He had a history of it. A documented history that she could recite going back years. And Roman's son was bleeding. A real child with a real injury right now. And Nathan had called her this morning too, before anything had happened, almost like he knew she was coming and wanted to intercept her before she reached the party.

She had been so close to signing the documents last night.

"Vivienne," Roman said on the phone. "Please."

She turned the wheel.

"What are you doing." Nathan's voice from the back seat.

"Leo is hurt."

"Our daughter is convulsing."

"She was fine this morning. You called me before anything even happened. You knew I was coming."

"Vivienne."

"I am not doing this again." Her voice came out cold and certain and completely wrong. "I am not letting you use her like this again. She was walking around twenty minutes ago. Children do not just..."

"Stop the car," Nathan said.

"Nathan."

"Stop the car right now."

She pulled over.

Nathan had the door open before she fully stopped. He got out with Lily in his arms and stood on the side of the road and looked at her through the window with an expression she had never seen on his face before. Not anger. Not the tired resigned look she knew so well.

Something that had no name.

"Go," he said.

She drove away.

~.~

The road was quiet.

Nathan stood on the verge with Lily in his arms and looked both ways and saw nothing. No taxis. No buses. No cars stopping. Just a Sunday morning road with the amusement park visible in the distance behind him and the hospital somewhere ahead that he could not see yet.

Lily made a small sound against his chest.

"I am here," he said. "I have you. We are going."

He started walking. Then he started running.

Lily's breathing was wrong. Shallow and uneven with gaps between each one that lasted a fraction too long.

"Stay with me," he said. "Lily. Stay with me."

She opened her eyes.

Not all the way. Just enough.

"Daddy," she said. Her voice was very small and very clear. "I know."

"I know too," he said. "Just stay awake. Look at me."

"I have known for a while," she said. "That I was going to go."

"You are not going anywhere. We are almost there."

"It is okay." Her hand moved slightly against his arm. Finding his jacket. Holding a small piece of it. "Daddy. The drawing."

"What about it."

"Keep it," she said. "The one with the cat. Keep it okay. Even though it did not turn out like I drew it."

Something broke in him that he could not name and could not stop.

"I will keep it," he said. "I will keep it forever."

"Do not be sad for too long," she said. "You are a good daddy. You are the best one." She paused. The gaps between her breaths were longer now. "Find someone who loves you properly. Okay? Promise me."

He was running and crying and he did not know when one had started and the other had stopped.

"I promise," he said. "I promise Lily. Just stay awake. Keep talking to me."

She did not answer.

Her hand was still holding the piece of his jacket.

He ran.

~.~

The emergency team met him at the entrance. He did not remember what he said to them. He remembered the gurney. He remembered someone taking her weight from his arms and the specific feeling of his arms without her in them.

He remembered the corridor. The chair. The doors.

He had been here before. He knew what the doors meant when they stayed closed for a long time.

He sat in the plastic chair and he waited and he looked at his hands and he thought about a seven year old who kept the good pens ready for a birthday card months in advance because she wanted to be prepared.

A doctor came out.

Nathan looked up.

The doctor's face told him before the words did.

"Mr. Cole," she said. "I am so sorry."

The corridor was very quiet.

Lily Cole. Seven years old. Pronounced dead at eleven forty two on a Sunday morning in October.