03. Fear

Last night's nightmare kept me on edge until the next morning. I spread butter on my toast so many times that I almost ran out of butter. This compulsive behavior emerges when anxiety strikes.

The girl's laughter was ringing in my ears. I felt like I was going crazy. The harder I tried to forget her, the more often she appeared. Is she a demon? Could this be karma for my lazy churchgoing?

Over an anxiety-filled breakfast, I searched for job openings on my smartphone. Even though I had agreed to the crazy offer from that strange man, I still wanted a normal job with a normal income rather than the strange job he was offering.

***

There were some files that I still had to take care of at the college before I graduated. So I decided to go to campus this morning. Staying at home stresses me out anyway.

On my way to campus, I saw a girl in a school uniform passing in front of me. At first, I was indifferent to her. Until I saw her face and remembered the photo that the strange man had given me.

This girl who appeared in front of me was my target. She was the one I had to follow secretly. Although hesitant, I still tried to follow the girl secretly without her knowledge. I grabbed my smartphone and aimed the camera at her. After getting the photo, I followed her back.

There was nothing strange about the girl. She was just walking alone towards her school. I, who followed her from behind, didn't find anything unusual either. I wondered what the purpose of the stranger telling me to follow this girl was.

After the girl arrived in front of her school, I decided to end my action. It was a coincidence that the girl's school was not far from my campus. It seems like she often takes the same route as me. I guess this will be an easy job, though I want to end it as soon as possible. I don't want to ruin my morals just because of money.

***

"Yo Saeran-kun! Long time no see," greeted my classmate Jihan. She's known to love Japanese culture, especially animated movies that I don't understand. Plus, she likes to give strange titles to the people she calls.

I smiled back and greeted her classmate. "How are you too, Jihan?"

"Of course good. By the way, you're so skinny; are you having a lot on your mind?" Jihan looked worried.

"Maybe it's just your feelings," I replied. "Have you found a job yet? I heard from other friends that you're interning at a famous company." To be honest, I was a bit jealous of her for getting an internship at a famous company.

"That's nothing. "I hope you get what you want too," Jihan said.

I just laughed blandly at her words. This kind of reply has made me sick.

***

Back when I was a kid, I once saw my mom set fire to a car. Where the car was filled with flames. At that time, my mother poured gasoline on it and then lit the fire with my father's favorite lighter.

They say love doesn't hurt. But Mom was hurt by love. I saw with my own eyes when my father died while burning in his car.

I cried, but I also laughed with joy. I didn't understand why she looked so hysterical at the time. I couldn't recognize her emotions at the time, but I was horrified to see her. She looked like a crazy person. I could feel her sadness and disappointment. But on the one hand, I could feel the happiness as well as the sense of freedom from that woman.

Since the incident that day, Mom has been taken to a mental hospital. Father had gone to a place called the cemetery. That day, I lost my family. Since then, I've never understood what the function of a family is. I was sent to an orphanage and stayed there for a long time.

My childhood memories are bad. I could only remember vaguely. Slowly, the memories of who my family and I were faded away. Identity and personality felt so vague until I grew up.

I didn't care about some of the bad things that had happened in my life. Everything had passed; it was too bad to get emotional about past problems. If it was bad, then forget it; if it was good, also forget it. There was no point in remembering what had happened.

The night air was so cold. I went to the nearest convenience store to buy instant ramen. There was no harm in warming myself up at night. Eating ramen at night was quite fun anyway. Even though it was just a simple activity.

People were seen walking around outside. While eating my instant ramen, I observed some of the pedestrians. The people out there looked ordinary. I felt like there was nothing special about this life. When you grow up, there should be a lot of amazing things promising, but all I saw was endless boredom. What's so special about being an adult? Because you can taste alcohol or satisfy yourself through skin-to-skin? Even though all of that feels mediocre. If done excessively, let alone to the point of addiction, it will damage the self. I didn't want to become a damaged human being, so I decided not to become an addict either.

I finished a large cup of ramen, making my stomach feel quite filled. I picked up a mineral water bottle and drank the contents until it was empty. A slight sense of pleasure appeared in my heart. Even though this is a trivial activity for most people, I enjoy it. It's a relief as well as fun. After all, for the past day, I've been filled with endless bad thoughts. All these bad thoughts were further exacerbated by the nightmares I was having. Strangely, this week, I started dreaming about meeting a girl. The strange girl I didn't know seemed to want to show me something. It's so strange, even though I've never met or been friends with that girl. Had I randomly slept with her?

Well, my thoughts started to get muddled again. Feeling that it's not good to think about things like this, I then left this place to look for the night breeze for a while before returning home.

***

Along the way, I saw a couple looking intimate. Mm... for some reason, when I saw the couple, I automatically smiled slightly.

"Don't you look more like a pervert?" Suddenly, I heard a girl's voice not far from me.

I tried to find the origin of the voice until I felt my foot being stepped on by something. The pain radiated, and I was surprised to find a young girl standing in front of me with a sharp gaze.