I'd Like to Change My Reincarnation Subscription, Please

Ch9 - Villain Time

Lucas spends some time lounging on his patched-up sofa, waiting out the peak of laziness from overeating. With his laptop balanced on his stomach, he pokes about between a few different games, but doesn't really get into any of them.

'After everything that's happened recently, I'm completely out of it, sheesh. Also, it feels a bit weird knowing you're always just… Over there listening 427.'

[If you're not gonna be relaxing anyway, you could always go out and…]

'I am NOT going out grinding minor missions. Bleh, I was always the type to skip unnecessary side quests in RPGs.' Lucas mimes a gagging motion in the middle of the thought in a demonstration.

[...Just saying. It may feel like an insignificant amount but it really adds up.]

'So, is getting a good score on a minor quest always gonna be .1?'

[As a base value yes, there are both positive and negative potential modifiers though. If you do one extra minor mission a day that'll be an extra enhancement roughly every 2 months.]

'...I guess compared to working out the normal way that's a pretty good rate of gains vs its daily effort. Still though, ugh. Wait, even just doing 1 minor a day it'd take like… 7 years to get how much GDV your last guy had right? Are you trying to overwork me!?'

[There are significantly more minor GDV tasks available for you than there were previously. There are orders of magnitude more instances of them being triggered in the first place, and you also have no competition. About 15 years ago, a would-be hero would have to actively patrol the area to see a single minor GDV task in a week. While multiple heroes can complete the same task together, if the task didn't require it they will often end up with less GDV each than if just one had gone and done it alone. Of course, heroes would often patrol with their sidekicks, but otherwise, areas would be more or less divided into zones with one hero per zone.]

'Oh. I guess that makes sense.'

Absentmindedly shutting off the laptop, he slides it over onto the coffee table and then drags himself upright to address the flavorful floor.

'Great, I'm gonna have a pink spot on the carpet now, aren't I?'

[...You should have cleaned it sooner.]

Lucas wrinkles his nose in distaste, making his stance on the matter clear. Using up a few paper towels in the process of cleaning the bulk of cheesy pizza sauce residue off the carpet, he balls them up and tosses them at the same garbage can as before. Miss, miss, oh look, a hit.

[How are you so bad at this?]

'Shut up, I was better coordinated before. I probably should practice my aim now though, huh?'

[Apparently. Oh, I have news you… Might not want to hear.]

Leaving a foamy carpet cleaner to soak and hopefully combat the mighty prowess of tomato stains, Lucas gets up to collect the remnants of his trash accuracy and put everything away, excluding the roll of paper towels.

'Eh, what's up? Don't get me curious like that and leave me hanging.'

[Ahem. Alert; a new imperative GDV task has been assigned. Please prevent the complete destruction of this planet in approximately 5 years' time. Data is currently limited, the time span is based on current calculations. The exact cause is still unknown.]

'You what mate? You're kidding me, right? You need to work on your sense of humor, that's not very funny.'

[...I wouldn't joke about a GDV task…]

'Fuck. Just… fuck.'

[...To prevent being forcibly separated from the Superhero Enhancement System, it is highly advised for you to keep your identity as a hero secret. Please increase your GDV sufficiently to complete the urgent GDV task.]

Standing in place motionless, Lucas slowly blinks a few times while thinking.

'Didn't I already blow my cover with that fangirl?'

[That only exposed your identity as a person with super strength. Noone first assumes someone is a hero any longer, however, excessive public-facing good deeds without a cover will inevitably arouse suspicion.]

'Wait, are you telling me to be a good villain!? What the hell!? Wouldn't I lose the points I previously earned when doing villainous shit to keep up the disguise?'

By now his eyebrows are furrowed deeply and he's begun pacing back and forth between the kitchenette and living room, mentally scrambling for ideas on how to make this work.

[We could try to plan your… PR actions in advance, taking into account appearances versus their actual GDV cost. Posturing and language would probably be sufficient for a majority of the time, such as with your first minor GDV task with the old woman. If you don't mind the image of being a bit… Incompetent, you could fumble right before actually executing actions that would result in a GDV loss, minimizing actual numerical changes.]

Flinching when 427 proposed the idea of intentional ineptitude, Lucas flops back down onto the abused sofa again.

'As much as I hate it, that's probably our best bet. I at least get to pick out a cool supervillain name though, right!? So many of them are… Meh. Oh, I need a webpage if I'm gonna try and be public right? Should I wait until I get caught a few more times in action or try to control PR in advance… Ugh, who am I kidding, definitely need to try and guide my image in advance.'

Feeling a burst of motivation, Lucas sits up and goes to grab the laptop, directly stepping in the earnestly soaking carpet cleaning foam as soon as he lowers his right foot.

"Oh, come on!" Feeling betrayed by the entire universe, Lucas jerks his foot back up and scowls at the distinct footprint he left behind in the foam.

[Well, that's a good start for your new public image as an ineffective villain, good job.]

'Fuck you.'

Lucas has earned another round of laughter from 427, much to his dismay.

'Maybe it wasn't so bad having you talk like an emotionless robot, jerk.'

[Too late. In just one day's worth of time, you've already undone years of Maynard being as witty and conversational as a brick. There's no one to blame but yourself.]

Rolling his eyes while wiping up the poor hard-working foam, Lucas's face pales when imagining what it would be like spending 16 years straight exclusively communicating with someone like that.

'Wait, oh my god that would be awful... You're exaggerating, right?'

[...Conflict resolution was to simply punch it. If that didn't work, punch again. Still an issue? How about a kick? Still standing? Guess it's time to use something as a weapon now. Not done? Go find someone else to think it through. My IQ probably dropped from association. He was a legitimately good person, but absolutely dull company. I'm not entirely sure why he was as wildly popular as he was, his interviews were just as droll. Although, I was probably biased given how much I was just utterly bored with him.]

'I'm so sorry. I'd probably become a numb-ass robot too.'

[...Excuse you.]

With a grin and a chuckle, Lucas gets up to wander off in pursuit of not carpet cleaner enhanced socks. He cheated a bit by getting closer to the trash can before tossing it, but at least he got the used-up paper towels in the garbage can instead of next to it this time.

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Lucas kills this chapter: 0

Lucas total kills: 2

Lucas deaths this chapter: 0

Lucas total deaths: 3

Lucas current GDV: 2.5

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Little character theater:

Lucas, getting a bit excited about his future career as a villain: Oh man, I want to have the coolest supervillain name ever.

427, mildly alarmed: [...You seem to be perfectly content with the idea of being a villain?]

Author, worried about Lucas getting his hopes up too high: Don't jinx yourself Lucas, no matter what you come up with, it comes down to what everyone else decides to go with.