My Troll System

Chapter 1: I Died Because of Body Lotion

"I can explain."

The words slipped past his lips faster than his brain could process them.

A man of around forty named Joshua stood rigid beside a king-size bed, clad in nothing more than a white towel wrapped haphazardly around his waist. He forced an awkward smile onto his face, acutely aware that his chances of surviving this situation were slimmer than winning the lottery and a luxury house combined.

Standing at the threshold of the five-star hotel room, a woman stared without saying a single word. Her gaze was terrifyingly calm. That chilling composure sent a sharp shiver straight down the man's spine.

He knew her better than anyone else. Once his wife stopped yelling, it meant she had bypassed mere emotional anger and entered a far more harrowing phase.

"You said..." Her voice finally cut through the silence. "...you were on a business trip."

The man trembled violently.

"Y-Yes, I really am on a business trip, sweetheart..."

"What kind of business trip? Huh?"

"Uh.... well..." He scratched his cheek with a rigid smile. "...That's a very difficult question."

On the bed, a figure frantically pulled the blanket up to cover their entire body.

The man snapped his head around.

"Hey. Don't pretend to be asleep! We're a team!"

The shape beneath the blanket offered no response. A moment later, the lump twitched slightly, as if wishing it could simply vanish along with its owner.

"You traitor!"

"Five minutes ago, you were still calling me darling~"

"And now you've turned into a caterpillar."

"Help me out here, will you...!"

His wife stepped slowly into the room.

The click of her high heels against the marble floor echoed with the rhythmic dread of a countdown to doomsday.

Tap.

Tap.

Tap.

Each footstep forced the man to instinctively retreat a step.

"Okay..." he muttered internally. "Things are going south fast."

He glanced toward the door.

Impossible!

My wife is standing right there.

Jump out the twentieth-floor window?

No!

I'm not that stupid.

His gaze shifted to the open balcony.

What if I just run for it?

As for my pride, I can always earn that back later. Personal safety comes first.

He flashed his widest, most forced smile at his wife and stammered, "Honey..."

"Hm?"

"I think..." He pointed toward the balcony. "...our relationship needs some fresh air."

The moment the words left his mouth, he spun around and bolted.

"Hey! Don't you dare try to run away from me!"

He had barely taken two steps...

Sreeet!

His foot suddenly lost traction.

"Eh?"

His body slid smoothly across the slick, polished floorboards. His arms flailed wildly through the air, desperately searching for anything to grab onto.

Unfortunately, there was nothing.

"Whoa!"

Brak!

His head smashed hard against the corner of a small table near the sofa. The room spun wildly, and his vision blurred at the edges.

In his fading consciousness, he spotted a bottle of body lotion lying on the floor. The cap was off, and the white liquid still glistened under the lamp's glare.

"........."

Seriously?

Other people die with honor...

I die because of lotion?

Everything went completely dark.

"Eek!"

A strange, muffled sound suddenly broke the silence.

"Eek!"

The man furrowed his brow.

"Hold on..."

Am I still alive?

Thump!

He felt something strike his shoulder.

"Owww! That hurts, you know!"

He cracked his eyes open through the pain. The first thing that greeted him was an impossibly vast blue sky.

No ceiling, no chandeliers, no air conditioning, and no robotic vacuum cleaner humming in the background. All he could hear was the rustle of wind and the chirping of birds.

"........."

He blinked a few times.

"The hotel lobby has a really nice aesthetic, though."

Thump!

A second impact sent his body rolling across the grass.

"Eek!"

"If you're going to wake up a guest, at least use a doorbell!"

He scrambled up, standing frozen like a scarecrow.

Standing right before him was a green creature, about chest-high. A bizarre, dull-skinned monster with pointy ears, round eyes, and a flat nose.

Clutched in its hand was a wooden club that looked far older than any tree in the vicinity.

The creature tilted its head to the right. The man reflexively tilted his head to the left.

"........??"

"....???."

"Are you..." He pointed at the creature. "...some kind of hotel employee?"

"Eek!"

"Oh! Guess not. Sorry, thought you worked here."

The creature raised its club.

"Umm... in that case, are you some kind of mascot?"

"Eek!"

"Oh! Not that either."

The club lifted even higher.

The man sighed.

"Alright, I get it now... You must be part of the security team running a hotel event."

Smack!

The club slammed into the ground right at his feet, shattering the grass and sending turf flying into the air.

He stared at the crater, then slowly looked back up at the green creature.

"What the heck was that? Is this a movie shoot?"

"Eek!"

The creature took a step forward.

"Hold on. Do you mind waiting right there for a second..."

The man stepped backward, holding up his hands.

"I think there's been a misunderstanding. I just woke up, and I haven't even brushed my teeth yet."

The green goblin showed zero interest in negotiating.

The man let out a long sigh and kept talking.

"Okay, I get it. Language barrier."

He kept backing away. The creature pressed forward relentlessly.

"Please stop following me."

The monster kept advancing.

"Hey! Personal space is a thing, you know!"

It kept coming, leaving the man with an awkward grin.

"I think running away is the wisest choice here."

Without another word, he spun around and sprinted at top speed.

"Why does my life always end up with me running for my life?"

Moments later, a vast expanse of lush green plains came into view.

His pace slowed down.... Ahead of him, a group of people in combat gear were locked in battle with bizarre creatures.

A woman in green robes raised a crystal staff. A ring of light bloomed beneath her feet, and a bolt of glowing energy shot into the air, striking a monster dead-center.

On the other side, a heavily muscled man swung a massive greatsword. The shockwave from his swing sent leaves swirling through the air, hurling a wolf-like beast several meters away.

The man stood paralyzed.

".............."

"Wait."

"Am I dreaming?"

His heart began to hammer against his ribs. Memories of the hotel room, the slick floor, and the bottle of lotion flooded back.

Slowly, he raised his hands. As he looked down, he realized his skin looked remarkably younger, and his body felt impossibly light.

He glanced at a puddle nearby. The face staring back at him wasn't the aging middle-aged man he knew. It belonged to an unfamiliar, handsome young man.

And right at that moment...

DING!

A digital, mechanical chime echoed directly inside his head. A translucent blue panel slowly materialized before his eyes.

The man jerked back in shock, his eyes widening in disbelief.

"Whoa..."

"What is this? Why did it just..."

A light-blue window hovered right in front of his face, looking entirely solid. Impulsively, the man waved his hand right through it.

His hand passed straight through the panel as if it were air.

"Whoa! It's a hologram!"

He cleared his throat softly.

"Right! So it's not glass, then."

White text slowly materialized on the screen.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

STATUS

Name : Litchi Bruce

Title : None

Age : 25

Race : Human

Rank : F

Level : 1

Class : Beginner Fighter

Profession : None

Talent : Common

Skill : None

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

He stared at the status window without blinking, rubbed his eyes, and read it all over again.

"..............."

"Litchi?"

He pointed at himself.

"Is that my new name?"

Silence. But the man understood that he was no longer the aging Joshua. He had been granted a second lease on life as a handsome young man named Litchi Bruce.

His gaze dropped to the next line.

Rank : F

"Fine! That makes sense."

"Protagonists always start from the bottom."

Then he checked the line below it.

Skill : None.

His smile slowly faded.

"Hold on."

He read it again, making sure he hadn't misread it.

"Skill..."

"None?"

"Are you kidding me? The skill slot is totally empty?!"

He searched around mentally for any hidden buttons, but found none.

"Hidden stats?"

None.

"Cheat codes?"

None.

"VIP bonus?"

Not a chance.

"New player promotion?"

Still nothing.

He let out a heavy sigh, glaring up at the sky with an expression of pure irritation.

"Is this a brand-new account or a secondhand junk bin? I seriously suspect I got dealt a trash-tier starter pack!"

DING!

New text popped up.

[Host does not possess clearance to modify initial parameters.]

Litchi's eyes lit up instantly.

"Oh, so you can talk?!"

"Hello, System! Hello! Hello!" Litchi waved at the air.

[Hello.]

"Oh... finally."

"I thought you were just a glorified wallpaper."

The panel flickered gently.

Litchi cleared his throat.

"Fine!"

"I accept the fact that my name is Litchi now."

"Next question."

"Where am I?"

[Astral Planet.]

"How did I get here?"

[Death.]

".........."

"I figured that much out."

"I mean, why?"

[Unknown.]

"How many people went through what I did?"

[Unknown.]

Litchi massaged his temples.

"Your answers are truly helpful. So helpful!"

[You are welcome.]

".............."

"That was sarcasm."

[Processed as a compliment.]

Litchi tilted his head back, glaring up at the blue sky.

"Oh, good grief..."

"I get it now."

"This system isn't just dumb."

"It's intensely annoying."

"I smell bad luck written all over this system!"

Before he could vent any further, the panel shifted again.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

New Quest

Survive

Time Limit : 03:00

Reward : Based on evaluation results

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Litchi blinked.

"Huh?"

"What? What? What? You call that a quest?"

"Instead of a quest, that sounds a lot more like a death threat!"

In the corner of the panel, numbers began ticking backward.

02:59

02:58

02:57

"Hey!"

"Why is the timer actually running?!"

[Correct.]

"At least have the decency to tell me what I'm supposed to survive against!"

As if answering his question...

"Eek!"

The sound that had momentarily vanished echoed once more.

Litchi slowly turned his head. The goblin was standing about fifteen meters behind him, still clutching its wooden club and looking thoroughly pissed off.

Litchi offered an awkward smile and a wave.

"Hello again~"

The goblin shrieked.

"Eekkk!"

"I'm glad to see you too, buddy..."

The goblin charged straight toward Litchi.

Litchi turned on his heel and bolted, running for his dear life to escape the angry monster.

"Damn it! My life really took a wild turn."

"Just a moment ago, I was in a hotel."

"Now I'm sprinting away from a goblin."

He crashed blindly through the brush.

Whip-like branches lashed across his face, but he ignored the sting and kept running, his lungs burning for air.

Mid-stride, he screamed out upward.

"System!"

"Oi, System!!!"

"Give me a weapon! Fast!"

[None available.]

"Then give me magic skills!"

[None owned.]

"Give me a shield!"

[Not in inventory.]

"Give me an idea!"

The panel paused for a few seconds.

Then...

[Think for yourself.]

".........."

"Oi! I am thinking!"

"If I wasn't thinking, I would've stopped running!"

Up ahead loomed a massive boulder. Litchi scrambled behind it, diving into cover.

The goblin bolted past the rock, then abruptly halted, looking left and right with a confused expression.

Litchi peeked out from behind the boulder.

"Phew."

"Turns out it isn't very smart after all."

[Host's analysis is incorrect.]

"Huh?"

[The goblin has detected the Host's presence.]

Litchi frowned in confusion.

"Wait, wait..."

"If it knows I'm here, why is it just standing there?"

The panel replied flatly.

[The goblin is catching its breath.]

"............"

Litchi slowly glanced back out.

The goblin stood there panting heavily, its shoulders rising and falling with exhaustion. A few seconds later, the creature screamed again.

"Eek!"

"Oh, come on! You need a breather too?!"

Without wasting another second, Litchi took off running again.

The countdown continued.

01:46

"System."

"Do I have to beat this thing?"

[Host is free to choose any survival method.]

"Alright, is climbing a tree allowed?"

[Proceed.]

"What if I hide until the timer runs out?"

[Proceed.]

"What if I lie down and play dead?"

The panel fell silent for quite a long time before a single line appeared.

[Survival probability: 0.001%.]

"..........."

"Wait, why does it even have a percentage?"

[Because Host asked.]

"Are you messing with me right now?"

[Negative.]

"You're totally lying!"

[Systems never lie.]

"I don't believe a word you say."

[That is Host's concern.]

Before he could fire back a retort, the timer shifted.

00:59

Litchi panicked instantly.

"One minute left?!"

He darted his eyes left and right. His gaze finally locked onto a fallen tree trunk lying horizontally across a narrow trench.

An idea sparked in his mind.

"Let's hope this works..."

He scrambled across the log. The goblin chased right behind him, screeching all the way.

The moment he crossed to the other side, Litchi threw his entire weight against the fallen trunk, shoving it with all his might.

The log shifted inch by inch before tumbling down into the trench.

The goblin slammed to a halt at the edge. The green creature stared down at the trench, looked across at Litchi, and scratched its head stupidly.

Litchi blinked.

"You... can't jump?"

The goblin tried once and failed. It tried a second time and failed miserably.

Litchi stared up at the sky and let out a massive sigh of relief.

"Thank goodness..."

"At least I'm not the only unlucky one here."

The countdown ticked downward.

00:10

00:09

00:08

The goblin was still busy looking for a detour, while Litchi stood panting heavily on the opposite bank.

"System."

"When the quest finishes..."

"What kind of reward do I get?"

The panel flickered.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Reward

???

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

"Huh?"

"You said I'd get a reward!"

"Now it's just a question mark? What kind of scam is this?"

[Reward will be determined post-evaluation.]

"I'm starting to really dislike how you operate! I want to file a complaint!"

The countdown finally hit zero.

00:00

Quest Complete.

Litchi breathed a long sigh of relief.

"Oh, thank god... I survived this torture..."

The panel blinked once more.

[Evaluating...]

[Evaluating...]

[Evaluating...]

Those few seconds felt agonizingly long.

"Why is this taking so long?"

"Isn't it just handing out a prize?"

Moments later, text slowly faded into view.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Congratulations.

You obtained:

Wooden Spoon ×1

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

"..........."

Litchi stood frozen like a scarecrow.

He blinked rapidly, staring down at the wooden spoon that had suddenly materialized in his hand.

"System."

[Yes?]

"I risked my life out there..."

"Just for this?"

[Correct.]

"........."

Litchi slowly lifted the wooden spoon toward the heavens.

"I have a bad feeling my second life is going to be way more annoying than my first."

Before him, the system panel flickered lazily.

DING!

Conditions met.

Detecting Host compatibility...

99.99% Match rate.

"Huh?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Profession successfully unlocked.

A gentle white light washed over Litchi's body.

His status panel updated.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

STATUS

Name : Litchi Bruce

Title : None

Age : 25

Race : Human

Rank : F

Level : 1

Class : Beginner Fighter

Profession : Chef

Talent : Common

Skill : None

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Unfortunately, by the time the notification popped up, Litchi wasn't even paying attention to the new status update. He stood there lamenting his cruel fate, staring blankly at the wooden spoon clutched in his hand.