2021-09-10 03:24:0970
Being normal is hard when you are not what is conventionally thought of as normal. Thinking differently to others makes you stand out. People don’t know how to act around you and it leaves you lonely. It’s all very well to say be yourself. What do you do when being yourself makes you isolated and angry? All my life feelings have confused me. I can’t judge how people feel just by looking at them. Even when I am told how they feel I don’t know how to respond. Every emotion takes a lot of thought on my part. TV doesn’t show me real feelings. It took a long time to see that was all fake. In real life, people don’t speak as they do. Knowing that the police are looking for me has me walking on eggshells I’m going to try harder.
Lou was surprised when I walked in from work early. She was acting suspiciously. She was on the phone when I walked in and as soon as she saw me she claimed the phone down. She switched from serious on the
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105
105It had been two years since I had read about some mad fucker called Harry. He was all over the newspapers and tv. He had scared the shit out of a town in Yorkshire. Like everything else it died down. He was wanted in connection with at least four murders. I admired how he had just disappeared into thin air. He had made a lot of mistakes though and I didn’t plan on making the same ones.I like people watching. Sitting some here public and watching people go by. Picking out my next victim. I wasn’t going to act on my urges today. It want easy to sit back and watch but it was out of sequence. If I act too fast then people will start to get jumpy. One week just one more short week and then it will be time to act.My last victim had been a child molester. I watched him for a month. He hung around schools and parks. He confirmed my suspicions one day making a move on a kid when her mum wasn’t watching talking to another mum in a park. He di
104
104I wasn’t driving but being driven. Adam sat in the back strapped into a car seat. My driver was meathead, Mike. I had been told he was called Mike now. There was no pretense that this was his real name. He didn’t always respond to it when I called him it. We were on the motorway doing a perfect seventy miles per hour. There was also a car following us. That car also contained one of Nancy’s other sons. It wasn’t explained to me why we were being followed and I was nervous about it.Mike leaned over and turned on the radio.“I like some music while I drive.”A tape started playing heavy metal. Not something I would have chosen but I wasn’t going to complain. Adam started jumping about in his seat.“You like this little man?” said Mike in his usual gravely deep voice.“Yes. Louder.”Mike laughed and turned it up. He looked over to me with a grin. I don’t know if
103
103Nancy was kind to me and Adam. She kept us fed we’ll and clothed us. Adam had the grandma he had never had. His every need taken care of. To say she was in the business she was shocked me. I spoke to her in great length about what had been going on for the past eighteen months or so. At no point did she flinch or show any sings of this being abnormal.We had been staying here now for a week. It was starting to feel like home even though I knew it was just short term. She had explained to me that my house was now hers. The story was that she had caught it as an investment property. One of her three sons was living there for now. When I sold the house I had agreed to leave it furnished. Every part of this looked legal on paper. Her son told the police that he had just moved in on the day Wayne was alleging I stabbed him. He was now in a heap of trouble. The police were still looking for me though. I had shaved my head and was working on a beard. The stubble was
102
102My excitement so disappeared and changed to trepidation. When we were out of the park I was shown the back of a white windowless van and told to get in. I was paying for this treatment but did as I was asked. It occurred to me that I didn’t know what was going to happen. We’re they just going to kill us. That would be safer and more cost-effective for them.The back of the van was almost pitch black when the doors closed. The only light was what came in through the cracks in the seals. Adam started to fuss in my arms and the van started to move. Adam spoke to me in his limited way.“Daddy. Dark.”“Yes mate. It won’t be for long.”I kept my voice calm and soft. Hoping he would calm down himself. His creepy little baby hands pulled at my nose. Making sure I was there I hoped. He surprised me by saying.“Got nose.”I let out an involuntary laugh.“Haha give it back. H
101
101Cleaning up blood is a pain in the arse. If I could get away with not cleaning it up I would. Adam was his usual happy self but he broke my heart. He didn’t know better but he kept asking me the same question over and over.“Daddy. Where Mummy?”He smiled and had a cheeky grin on his face. I tried to explain that she wasn’t coming back but how many two-year-olds can understand that. It’s going to take time but he will learn.I understand how little I know about kids. He is now on solid food, not the mush that comes in jars. I’m happy about that it never looked appealing to me when Lou used to taste a bit then feed him.I have changed three nappies today so far and I’m now thinking about what age do kids get potty trained. There could be months left on this. Oh God I have already survived the first bits of teeth g but will there be more. Maybe I haven’t thought this through at all.All this
100
100It dawned on me that I hadn’t worked out how I was going to handle life with Adam on my own. The thought had never come to me that I would have to do e everything with him and for him.I hadn’t told the guys who were setting up our new lives Lou wasn’t going to be coming now. I wonder if I’m too late. It probably won’t matter that much. They will find out when they come for me tomorrow. Being alone means I don’t have a lot of loose ends to tie up. I should let work know I won’t be back in.Adam was still sleeping after our late night. Poor little fella. He won’t understand why mummy isn’t around anymore. He will be ok though he will adapt. His life with me will be good. I don’t think I will kill anyone for a while now. It is too much of a risk and I have too much at stake.There was a loud banging at my back door. Not a knock but an insistent banging. No one used my back door. So who could th
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