Ranger Danger: The Sentai Stupidity of Kevin Cwan

Chapter 5: Pink is for Pain

The espresso machine hissed one last time, sounding remarkably like a dying breath, as Kevin ducked behind a velvet-covered sofa. Shards of glass were still tinkling onto the floor like lethal confetti.

“Kevin! Report! What’s the status of the target?” Shin’s voice barked inside his ear, nearly deafening him over the sound of screaming patrons and car alarms.

“The status is ‘I am currently reconsidering my life choices’!” Kevin hissed into his lapel, pressing his back against the upholstery. “Bellamy just turned the front window into a glitter factory! And he’s looking for Tsania! Or a coffee with six shots of espresso, judging by the level of rage!”

“Do not transform!” Arya’s voice cut in, crisp and annoyingly calm. “Public disclosure of the Aegis initiative remains at a zero-percent priority. You have to handle this in your civilian capacity.”

“My civilian capacity is ‘Freelance Spreadsheet Optimizer’!” Kevin yelped as a flying chair demolished a display of artisanal biscotti three feet away. “What am I supposed to do? Calculate his tax liability until he gets bored and leaves?”

“Improvise, Green!” Shin ordered. “Use the environment! We’re moving to the perimeter to contain the fallout, but we can’t go in there until the civilians clear out!”

Bellamy let out another guttural roar, his spiked club smashing through the overhead menu board. “TSANIA! I KNOW YOU’RE AROUND HERE! THE SCHEDULE SAYS FOUR O'CLOCK RECON! YOU ARE FOUR MINUTES BEHIND!”

“Is he seriously mad because she’s late for her shift of being evil?” Kevin whispered to himself.

He peered over the sofa and froze. Three of the baristas, who had previously looked like disinterested college students with impressive facial hair, suddenly dropped their milk frothers. In one fluid motion, they reached under the counter and pulled out tactical batons that glowed with a faint, malevolent purple light.

“Wait, guys,” Kevin whispered into his collar. “The baristas. They just pulled out glow-sticks. But, like, mean-looking ones.”

“Minions,” Hudson’s voice drawled over the comms. “Tsania always plants a sleeper cell in local businesses before a strike. Honestly, the overhead on that must be astronomical. Who pays their social security?”

“Kevin, use whatever is at hand!” Shin yelled. “Keep them busy!”

Kevin looked around frantically. His hand closed around a heavy dessert spoon resting on a nearby saucer. In his other hand, he grabbed a discarded umbrella with a floral pattern that looked like it had seen better days in the late nineties.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Kevin groaned. He stood up, brandishing the spoon like a dagger and the umbrella like a rapier. “Hey! You guys with the foam-art degrees! Over here!”

One of the minion-baristas turned, his eyes glowing behind his trendy horn-rimmed glasses. “Interference detected. Target: Unimportant Trench-coat Guy. Eliminate.”

“Unimportant?” Kevin’s jaw dropped. “I have a LinkedIn profile with over fifty connections, pal! I am very important in certain niche accounting circles!”

The minion lunged. Kevin didn't have hero training, but he did have ‘panic reflexes’—a skill honed by years of dodging dodgeballs in middle school. He swung the umbrella, and the canopy partially deployed with a pathetic thwump, momentarily blinding the minion.

“Gotcha!” Kevin shouted, following up with a vigorous poke to the ribs with the spoon. “Take that! And that! Feel the rounded edges of mild inconvenience!”

“Kevin, are you actually fighting with kitchenware?” Arya asked.

“It’s highly effective!” Kevin panted, dancing away from a baton swing. “It’s ergonomic! It’s stainless steel! Does Vandolf have a weapon that looks like a giant spork? I think I found my calling!”

“Bellamy is getting closer to the back exit!” Shin warned. “If he hits the street before we trigger the evacuation, we’re going to have a PR disaster. Trigger the alarm, Kevin!”

“Which one? The ‘I’m about to die’ alarm or the fire one?”

“The fire one, you idiot! Look for the red box!”

Kevin ducked under a counter, narrowly avoiding a face-full of high-pressure steam as a minion tried to use the espresso wand as a flamethrower. “These people are very dedicated to their service industry jobs!”

He spotted the fire alarm pull-station near the restrooms. He lunged for it, but Bellamy’s massive shadow fell over him. The giant swung his club, obliterating the restroom door into splinters.

“LITTLE MAN,” Bellamy rumbled, his voice vibrating Kevin’s molars. “WHERE IS SHE?”

“She left!” Kevin yelled, his voice cracking upward by three octaves. “She said she had a better date! With a guy who has a real job and doesn't carry a stick!”

Bellamy’s eyes flared orange. “LIE! TSANIA DOES NOT GO ON DATES! HER ONLY COMMITMENT IS TO THE TOTAL ANNIHILATION OF THE MIDDLE CLASS!”

“Well, she made an exception for me because I’m ‘charmingly pathetic’!” Kevin reached behind him and yanked the fire alarm lever.

A piercing, rhythmic wail filled the coffee shop. Panic, which had been simmering, finally boiled over. The remaining customers—most of whom had been filming the fight on their phones—finally realized that their insurance wouldn't cover being crushed by an iron giant and bolted for the exits.

“Civilians clear!” Shin’s voice was triumphant. “Rangers, assemble!”

“About time!” Kevin scrambled toward the service door, discarding his floral umbrella. “Vandolf! Do the thing! The flash-thing! I don't want to get identified by the security cameras!”

A bright, emerald light flooded the shop, momentarily blinding the minions and Bellamy alike. When the spots cleared from Kevin’s vision, he wasn't wearing a trench coat anymore. He was back in the emerald spandex, though he still felt remarkably vulnerable.

“Target locked,” Shin stated, her yellow armor gleaming as she stepped through the smoke of the broken window. “Bellamy, your shift is over. Hand over the club and we might skip the Friendship Blast.”

“RANGERS!” Bellamy roared, swinging his club in a wide arc that turned three more tables into dust. “GOOD. I AM BORED OF SEARCHING. I WILL CRUSH YOU AND THEN TAKE MY LUNCH BREAK.”

“He’s very focused on his corporate benefits,” Hudson remarked, casually drawing a sleek black pistol. “I can respect the hustle, even if the outfit is horrific.”

“Arya, give me a coordination pattern!” Kevin shouted, regaining some of his confidence now that he had gloves on. “How do we take down the big guy?”

“Calculations show his left knee is a structural weak point,” Arya said, his blue visor flickering. “Kevin, you’re the distraction. Go in low.”

“Why am I always the distraction?” Kevin groaned, but he was already moving. “Fine! Hey, Bellamy! Your motherboard was a pocket calculator and your father was a toaster!”

The insult made absolutely zero sense, but it worked. Bellamy let out a sound of pure mechanical fury and charged directly at Kevin.

“Now!” Shin commanded.

The brawl spilled out of the coffee shop and into the street. It was a chaotic mess of sparks, blue energy rounds, and Kevin frantically trying to avoid being stepped on. Tsania, watching from a distance on a nearby balcony, shook her head with a look of profound disappointment.

“Incompetent fools,” she whispered, tapping a command into her tablet. “Iriana, the situation has devolved into a farce. Send the maintenance unit. We need to clear the sector.”

“Affirmative,” a cold, synthetic female voice responded over the secure line. “Activating the 'Clean-up' protocol. Erasing the traces.”

Down on the street, Bellamy was currently pinned between an abandoned city bus and the combined energy shield of Shin and Arya.

“We’ve got him!” Kevin cheered, his hand glowing green. “One more hit and we can—wait. What is that sound?”

It wasn't a growl, a roar, or an explosion. It was a high-pitched, mechanical drone that sounded like ten thousand household appliances running at once. From around the corner, a massive shadow loomed—something perfectly round, fifty feet tall, and chrome-plated.

“Is that...” Kevin squinted as the machine rolled into view. “Is that a giant robotic vacuum cleaner?”

“It’s the Clean-up Monster!” Arya yelled, his voice full of genuine horror. “It’s not here to fight us, it’s here to erase the evidence!”

A massive nozzle at the front of the device dropped down, and the suction force was immediate. A nearby parked car was lifted off its wheels, hovering for a split second before being slurped into the machine’s gullet with a sound like a giant swallowing a grape.

“My cape!” Kevin screamed, grabbing a nearby lamppost as the wind began to howl toward the machine. “It’s trying to eat the whole block! Shin! We’re going to be processed into industrial dust!”

“Hold your ground!” Shin shouted, her boots sparking as they dragged against the asphalt. “If this thing hits the residential zone, there won’t be a street left to save!”

“I knew I should have gone into HR,” Kevin sobbed as his legs flailed in the air, held down only by his desperate grip on the pole. “They don't have to deal with giant vacuums in HR!”