The Accidental Adventurer's Guide to Chaos

Chapter 8: Microtransactions of Doom

Rangga stood on the bridge, the Stapler of Infinite Binding still warm in his hand. He looked down at the receipt in his palm, then at Sirinya, who was gasping for air on the stones. But as he reached out to help her up, the air rippled with a sickeningly cheerful ding-dong sound.

A new window, glowing a neon, predatory orange, snapped into existence.

[ ATTENTION, VALUED CUSTOMER! ]

[ YOUR ‘LEGENDARY PREMIUM’ 60-SECOND TRIAL HAS EXPIRED. ]

[ RESUMING STANDARD AD-SUPPORTED REALITY... ]

"Wait, what?" Rangga barked, his eyes widening. "Standard what? I just killed the boss!"

Before the words could fully leave his mouth, the grey mist left behind by the Ink Golem suddenly surged. It didn't reform into a monster, but it did coalesce around Sirinya’s slumped form, weaving itself into a translucent, shimmering sphere—a new bubble, identical to the one before, but this one had a giant, glowing padlock icon hovering over it.

"Rangga!" Sirinya’s voice was a faint, muffled echo from inside the sphere. She slammed her fist against the shimmering wall. "It’s back! I can’t... I can’t breathe the Aether! It’s thicker than before!"

"Are you kidding me right now?" Rangga screamed at the sky, his corporate-jaded soul reaching its breaking point. "I paid! I clicked the button! I have the receipt!"

[ NOTICE: BOSS DEFEAT WAS A ‘PREMIUM FEATURE.’ ]

[ TO MAINTAIN THE ‘DEFEATED’ STATUS OF THE TARGET, PLEASE RENEW YOUR SUBSCRIPTION. ]

[ CURRENT STATUS: BOSS REVERTING TO ‘PARTIALLY ACTIVE’ STATE. ]

"No, no, no, no!" Rangga scrambled toward the bubble, his fingers sliding off the cold, slick surface. "Sirinya, hang on! I’ll... I’ll find a way!"

"Rangga, use the stapler!" she choked out, her face pressing against the interior of the sphere.

"I can't! The button is greyed out!" Rangga frantically clicked the BACKSPACE button on the stapler's base, but it made a dull, empty clack. "It says I need 'Premium Ink-Refills' to use the deletion function! This thing is a printer! It’s a literal Hewlett-Packard nightmare!"

[ WOULD YOU LIKE TO PURCHASE ‘UNLOCK BUBBLE’ FOR 10 AETHER-GEMS? ]

"Gems?" Rangga stared at the prompt. "I have gold! I have five hundred gold coins I just got from the goblin! Take the gold!"

[ WE DO NOT ACCEPT LOCAL CURRENCY FOR HIGH-LEVEL INTERVENTIONS. ]

[ AETHER-GEMS ONLY. ]

"Where do I get gems? Is there a bank? A quest? A shady guy in an alley?" Rangga paced the bridge, his hands in his hair. "Sirinya, I’m looking for gems! Just... don't die! Try to take shallow breaths!"

"I am... trying... not to... explode!" Sirinya snapped, though her voice was weakening. "Check the... Free-to-Play... tab!"

Rangga dove into his UI, his fingers blurred as he swiped through menus. "Free-to-Play... Free-to-Play... Here! 'Earn Free Gems'! Okay, okay, let's see. 'Complete offers to earn rewards.' Option one: 'Reach Level 50 in Dragon-Slayer-Quest-3.' I don't have time for that! Option two: 'Take a survey about your experience with the Shadow Council.' Absolutely not!"

He scrolled to the bottom, his eyes landing on a small, flickering icon of a jumping stick figure.

"Daily Tasks!" Rangga shouted. "Sirinya, I found it! I can earn one gem per task!"

"Then do them!" she coughed, the ink inside her bubble beginning to swirl like a dark storm. "Quickly!"

Rangga read the first task aloud, his face turning a deep shade of crimson. "Task One: 'Display your enthusiasm for the world of Aetheria. Jump three times and shout your favorite catchphrase.'"

"Just do it, Rangga!"

"I don't have a catchphrase!" Rangga yelled. "I'm a billing specialist! My catchphrase is 'Thank you for holding'!"

"Then use that! Just jump!"

Rangga took a deep breath, looked around the empty valley, and then hopped.

"One!" He jumped again, his khakis rustling. "Two! Three! THANK YOU FOR HOLDING!"

DING.

[ TASK COMPLETE! YOU HAVE EARNED: 1 AETHER-GEM. ]

"One?" Rangga gasped. "I need ten! What's the next one?"

He swiped to the next task. His jaw dropped. "Task Two: 'Acknowledge the greatness of the System. Perform a ten-second interpretive dance expressing the joy of a job well done.'"

Sirinya’s head slumped against the side of the bubble. "Rangga... please..."

"I'm dancing! I'm dancing!" Rangga began to flail his arms and legs in a rhythmic, desperate jerkiness that looked more like he was being electrocuted than expressing joy. He spun in a circle, kicking his feet out. "Look at me! I'm a happy employee! I love the synergy! I love the quarterly goals!"

DING.

[ TASK COMPLETE! YOU HAVE EARNED: 1 AETHER-GEM. ]

"Eight more!" Rangga panted, his forehead dripping with sweat. "What's next? 'Give a compliment to a tree'? Fine! Hey, you! Oak tree! You have lovely bark! Very structural! 'Do a backflip'? I can't do a backflip! System, skip! Skip!"

[ SKIP COST: 50 GOLD. ]

"Take it! Just take the gold!"

The gold coins vanished from his inventory with a satisfying clink.

DING.

[ TASK SKIPPED! REWARD GRANTED: 1 AETHER-GEM. ]

For the next five minutes, Rangga Alvero—the man who once commanded a team of six customer service reps with a firm but fair hand—became a one-man circus on the Bridge of Syntax. He barked like a Slime-Puppy, he recited the Aetherian alphabet backward, and he spent another three hundred gold skipping a task that required him to "Seduce a rock."

Finally, a golden notification flooded his vision.

[ CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE ACCUMULATED 10 AETHER-GEMS! ]

[ WOULD YOU LIKE TO PURCHASE ‘BASIC UNLOCK’? ]

"Yes! Buy it! Execute the transaction! Confirm! Double confirm!"

A beam of pure, brilliant pink light shot down from the violet sky, hitting the bubble around Sirinya. The padlock icon shattered into a thousand glittering shards, and the ink sphere evaporated with a sound like a popping soap bubble.

Sirinya tumbled forward, hitting the bridge with a heavy thud. She coughed violently, spitting out a mouthful of grey mist before taking a deep, shuddering breath of fresh air.

"Sirinya!" Rangga rushed to her side, sliding on the smooth stone. "Are you okay? Did it work?"

The knight looked up at him, her silver hair matted with ink, her eyes flickering with a mixture of profound relief and absolute, murderous rage.

"Rangga," she wheezed.

"Yeah? I'm here."

"If you... ever... tell a living soul... that I watched you bark like a dog and dance for gems..." she grabbed his collar, pulling him close until their noses were inches apart. "I will not wait for the System to delete you. I will do it myself. With a very blunt blade."

"Duly noted," Rangga squeaked. "In my defense, the barking was for a very high-quality gem."

Sirinya let go of him and slumped back, rubbing her throat. "That was... the most humiliating rescue in the history of the Silver Aegis. I’ve been saved by princes, by grand mages, and once by a very confused pegasus. But never by a man doing 'interpretive corporate dance'."

"It got the job done, didn't it?" Rangga stood up, brushing the dirt off his knees. "Welcome to the world of Freemium survival, Sirinya. It’s not about how hard you hit; it’s about how many daily logins you can manage without losing your mind."

"I hate your world," she muttered, accepting his hand as he helped her to her feet. "I hate its logic. I hate its 'Gems.' And I especially hate that I'm starting to understand why you're so cynical."

"It's a survival mechanism," Rangga said, looking toward the end of the bridge. "But hey, look on the bright side. We're alive, the ink-guy is gone, and the Relic is right there."

They walked toward the far side of the valley, where the crystalline structures grew taller, reflecting the shimmering light of the river below. The pedestal they had seen earlier was now only a few dozen yards away. Atop it sat the dusty glasses—the Relic of Common Sense.

"Do you think there's another paywall?" Sirinya asked, her hand resting warily on her sword.

"God, I hope not," Rangga replied. "I don't think I have enough dignity left to earn another ten gems. If I have to do a puppet show for a squirrel, I'm just going to walk into the river."

As they reached the base of the pedestal, the ground began to vibrate. It wasn't a violent shaking, but a low, rhythmic thumping, like the beating of a massive heart. From behind a giant cluster of violet crystals, a head emerged.

It was a dragon. But it wasn't the jagged, terrifying beast Rangga had expected. Its scales were the color of a faded denim jacket, and it wore a pair of half-moon spectacles perched on the end of its snout. In its giant, clawed hand, it held a leather-bound box.

"Oh, thank the heavens," the dragon rumbled, its voice deep and surprisingly cultured. "Travelers! And one of them looks like he’s just finished a very stressful talent show!"

Rangga froze. "Uh... hello? Mr. Dragon?"

"It’s Ignis the Intellectual, if you please," the dragon said, settling its massive body into a sitting position. It placed the box on the ground between them. "I’ve been waiting for centuries. Do you have any idea how boring it is guarding a Relic in a valley where the only company is a Grammar Goblin who refuses to use contractions?"

Sirinya stepped forward, her sword lowered but ready. "We have come for the Relic of Common Sense. We seek to restore logic to Aetheria."

"Logic? Oh, how wonderful!" Ignis clapped its front claws together, creating a sound like a thunderclap. "I love logic! I love strategy! I love the thrill of a well-executed gambit!"

"So... you're going to let us have the glasses?" Rangga asked hopefully.

Ignis leaned down, its giant yellow eye scanning Rangga’s wrinkled shirt. "Eventually, perhaps. But the ancient scrolls are quite clear. The Relic can only be claimed by those who can best the Guardian in a trial of wits."

"Another riddle?" Sirinya groaned.

"Hardly!" Ignis reached into the leather box and pulled out a large, wooden board painted with a grid of black and white squares. It then produced several small, carved figurines. "Riddles are for amateurs. No, if you want the Relic, you must face me... in a game of 'Settlers of the Six Kingdoms'!"

Rangga stared at the board. "Is that... is that a board game?"

"It’s the Anniversary Edition!" Ignis beamed, setting up the pieces with remarkable dexterity for someone with claws the size of scimitars. "I have the 'Barbarian Invasion' expansion ready to go. I’ll even let you be the Blue Kingdom. They get a bonus to sheep production."

Rangga looked at Sirinya. She looked at him, completely blank.

"Rangga," she whispered. "What is a 'sheep production bonus'?"

Rangga looked at the dragon, then at the glasses on the pedestal, and then back at his Stapler of Infinite Binding.

"Sirinya," Rangga sighed, sliding into a sitting position across from the dragon. "I spent four years in a board game club in college because I was too awkward to talk to girls. This is the moment I was born for."

"Excellent!" Ignis roared with delight. "Do you want to read the rulebook? It’s only two hundred pages."

"I don't need the book, Ignis," Rangga said, a cold, competitive fire lighting up his eyes. "I know exactly how this works. But if I win, I want the glasses... and a coffee. A real one. No ozone, no strawberries. Just caffeine."

"Deal!" the dragon chirped. "Your move, Blue Kingdom!"

Rangga reached for the dice, a small smile playing on his lips. "Finally. A quest that doesn't involve dancing."