The Immortal's Guide to Accidental Courtship

Chapter 4: How to Hunt a God-Beast

The Solar-Emperor Chimera’s tongue, a rough, sandpapery slab of muscle the size of a banquet table, swept across Aetherion’s face again. He staggered back, wiping a gallon of glowing, divine saliva from his eyes.

“Seriously?” Aetherion sputtered, his voice cracking. “It’s like being licked by a wet rug made of lightning! Make it stop! Zinnia! Help! It’s trying to marinate me!”

Cassian didn't move. His spear remained on the ground, and his jaw looked like it might actually unhinge. “Aetherion… do you have any idea what that thing is?”

“A mistake!” Aetherion yelled, ducking under a massive, playful swipe of a paw that could have crushed a mountain range. “It’s a giant, glowing, three-tailed mistake! Shoo! Go away! I don’t have any treats!”

“It’s a Solar-Emperor Chimera,” Zinnia whispered, her hand trembling on the hilt of her sword. She didn't draw it. Even a Sword-Saint knew when a blade was as useful as a toothpick. “They were thought to be extinct before the First Era. Legend says they only appear to acknowledge the presence of a True Sovereign.”

“Does it look like it’s acknowledging a sovereign?” Aetherion shrieked as the beast let out a thunderous, vibrating purr that shattered every window in a three-mile radius. “It looks like it’s trying to use me as a chew toy! Look at those teeth! Those aren't sovereign-acknowledging teeth, those are rib-crunching teeth!”

“Why isn't it killing you?” Cassian finally found his voice, though it was an octave higher than usual. “It’s a Grade-9 Divine Calamity! It should have turned this entire forest into a crater the moment it felt a human presence!”

“Maybe it’s a vegetarian?” Aetherion suggested, scrambling behind a tree that was far too small to hide him. “Maybe it’s just lonely? Hey, big guy! You want a stick? Go find a really, really big stick! Like, in another province!”

The Chimera tilted its massive head, its six eyes blinking in perfect synchronization. It let out a soft whine—a sound like a tectonic plate shifting—and took a heavy step toward Aetherion. The ground groaned under its weight.

Listen to me, you overgrown gold-plated house cat, Aetherion’s voice echoed directly into the beast’s soul, a sharp, cold command that contrasted sharply with his panicked flailing. You are going to ruin everything. I am a humble, pathetic commoner. You are a terrifying monster. Act like it.

The Chimera froze, its eyes widening. It let out a confused huff, a blast of hot, floral-scented air that nearly knocked Cassian over.

I said act like it! Aetherion’s mental projection hissed. And for the love of the Heavens, stop wagging your tails! You’re creating a localized hurricane!

“Wait, look!” Cassian pointed, his courage returning as he saw the beast stop. “It’s hesitated! It’s confused by his… his sheer lack of worth! It doesn't even recognize him as prey!”

“Is that a thing?” Aetherion asked, looking over his shoulder. “Can I be so unimpressive that monsters just give up? Because I would love for that to be my superpower.”

“Don’t move, Aetherion,” Zinnia cautioned, stepping forward slowly. “If we don’t provoke it, maybe it will go back to whichever realm it crawled out of. Just… stay very, very still.”

“I’m great at staying still,” Aetherion said, his knees knocking together for dramatic effect. “I’ve been practicing for centuries. I’m basically a statue. A very sweaty, terrified statue.”

The Chimera looked at Aetherion, then at the two cultivators. It seemed to consider its options. Then, it looked back at Aetherion and let out a roar that set the very air on fire. It was a sound of pure, unadulterated dominance.

“It’s going to attack!” Cassian screamed, finally fumbling for his spear. “Zinnia, get back! It’s reaching the frenzy stage!”

“No, wait!” Zinnia shouted. “Look at its footing!”

Play dead, Aetherion commanded telepathically. Make it look like a tragic, clumsy accident. And don’t you dare crush me when you fall.

The Chimera gave a mournful little chirp, then suddenly lurched to the side. Its massive paws seemed to tangle together. It let out a high-pitched, comical yelp and began to tilt. It looked like a falling skyscraper made of gold and fur.

“It’s… it’s tripping?” Cassian gaped.

The beast slammed into the ground with a force that sent a shockwave through the estate, knocking everyone off their feet. A cloud of golden dust and spiritual essence erupted, obscuring everything. When the dust settled, the Solar-Emperor Chimera was lying on its back, its legs twitching in the air, its six eyes rolled back into its head. It let out one final, dramatic wheeze and went perfectly still.

Silence fell over the clearing.

“Did… did it just die?” Cassian asked, his voice a tiny squeak in the vast quiet.

“It looked like it had a heart attack,” Aetherion said, crawling out from under a pile of uprooted ferns. He dusted off his tunic, shaking his head. “I told you, it’s the luck. I’m cursed with it. Most people find a copper coin in the street; I find a legendary beast that dies of a stroke the second it looks at me.”

Zinnia walked toward the massive carcass, her hand reaching out to touch the scales. They were still warm, radiating a fading, divine heat. “This is impossible. A creature of this level doesn't just… trip and die. Its body is made of condensed spiritual laws.”

“Clearly, the laws were having an off day,” Aetherion said, joining her and giving the beast’s ribcage a cautious poke with his toe. “Maybe it was the fruit? It brought that tree, right? Maybe the fruit was fermented. It was a drunk Chimera.”

“Drunk?” Cassian marched over, his face red with a mix of leftover terror and growing annoyance. “You’re telling me a Solar-Emperor Chimera, a being that could swallow a city, just stumbled out of the woods and died of intoxication in front of you?”

“Do you have a better explanation, Big Bro?” Aetherion asked, spreading his hands. “Because from where I’m standing, I’m the winner of the hunting competition. I didn't even have to use a weapon. I just stood there and let it happen.”

“This doesn't count!” Cassian roared. “You didn't hunt it! You were a witness to a biological anomaly!”

“The rules said ‘show you can provide for the table,’” Aetherion pointed out, gesturing to the mountain of meat and the tree of golden fruit. “I’d say this is enough food to feed the entire empire for a month. Unless you’re picky about eating divine scales?”

“Cassian, stop,” Zinnia said, her voice quiet but firm. She looked at Aetherion with an expression he couldn't quite read—part suspicion, part wonder, and something else that looked dangerously like respect. “He’s right. Regardless of how it happened, the result is the same. The beast is down. The estate is safe. And the hunt is over.”

“But Zinnia!”

“No ‘buts,’ Cassian,” she said, turning back toward the estate. “We need to call the Sect Elders. We need a harvesting team and a containment ward. This news will reach the capital by morning.”

“Can we eat first?” Aetherion asked, his stomach letting out a timely growl. “All this ‘not being eaten by a monster’ has really worked up an appetite.”

“You are a singular man, Aetherion,” Zinnia said, a ghost of a smile touching her lips. “Come on. I think the guest house is finally ready for you. And maybe a bath. You smell like divine drool.”

“It’s a very expensive scent,” Aetherion muttered, following her. “People pay thousands of credits for ‘Spirit-Beast Musk’ in the capital. I’m practically a walking luxury item.”

*

Three hours later, Aetherion was reclined on a silk divan in the Everdawn guest house, a plate of grapes in one hand and a very fluffy pillow under his head. The bath had been glorious, and the new robes they’d given him were made of a material so soft he felt like he was being hugged by a cloud.

“This is it,” he sighed, popping a grape into his mouth. “The dream. No tourists, no stone floors, and the only thing I have to worry about is which side to sleep on.”

The door to the guest suite didn't just open; it vanished in a swirl of silver petals and moonlight.

Aetherion bolted upright, nearly choking on his grape. “Hey! Do we not have doorbells in this century? I could have been indecent!”

Zinnia stepped into the room, but she wasn't alone. Behind her stood a woman in robes of shimmering midnight blue, her hair held up by a hairpin shaped like a crescent moon. She carried an air of authority that made even Zinnia look like a junior disciple.

“Aetherion,” Zinnia said, her face pale. “This is Nadia Mooncrest. The Imperial Herald.”

Aetherion froze, a grape halfway to his mouth. “Imperial? As in… the Emperor? The guy with the big chair and the taxes?”

Nadia Mooncrest stepped forward, her eyes scanning Aetherion with the intensity of a hawk. She didn't look impressed, but she did look incredibly curious.

“The ‘Lucky Hero of the Thousand-Cloud Peaks,’” Nadia said, her voice like silk over steel. “The man who proposed to the Sword-Saint with a Soul-Binding Lily and then slew a Solar-Emperor Chimera by… standing in its way.”

“‘Slew’ is a very strong word,” Aetherion said, trying to slide further back into the cushions. “I’d prefer ‘politely observed its passing.’ And I’m not a hero. I’m just a guy who’s really good at being in the wrong place at the right time.”

“The Emperor disagrees,” Nadia said, pulling a scroll from her sleeve. The paper was made of gold-leaf and hummed with a power that made Aetherion’s teeth ache. “The appearance of the Chimera is an omen that cannot be ignored. The fact that it fell at your feet has set the Imperial Court into a frenzy.”

“A frenzy?” Aetherion groaned. “I hate frenzies. They always involve shouting and long speeches.”

“It involves more than that,” Nadia replied, her eyes narrowing. “The Emperor has issued a formal summons. He wishes to meet the man who has claimed the hand of the Empire’s greatest sword and the favor of the Heavens in a single afternoon.”

Aetherion looked at Zinnia, who looked just as overwhelmed as he felt. “Can I say no? I have a very busy schedule of napping and eating more of these grapes.”

“To refuse a summons from the Son of Heaven is to invite the executioner to your door,” Nadia said flatly. “The carriage leaves at dawn. You, the Lady Zinnia, and the remains of the beast will be escorted to the Jade Palace.”

Aetherion sank back into the divan, burying his face in his hands. “I knew it. I knew the grapes were too good to be true.”

“Don’t worry, Aetherion,” Zinnia said, though she didn't sound very convincing. “I’ll be there with you. I won’t let them… well, I won’t let them execute you without a trial.”

“Oh, great,” Aetherion’s voice was muffled by his palms. “A trial. My favorite kind of party. Does the Emperor at least have a good buffet?”

Nadia Mooncrest leaned in, a small, dangerous spark of amusement in her eyes. “The best in the world, Master Aetherion. But be careful. At the Jade Palace, the food isn't the only thing with teeth.”

“Wonderful,” Aetherion whispered. “Just wonderful. I really, really should have stayed in the cave.”