All Chapters of Stargrave's Guide to Galactic Blunders: Chapter 1
- Chapter 10
10 chapters
Chapter 1: The Art of the Crash-Landing
"Left! Left! Cassian, for the love of the stars, pivot left!"Orion Stargrave’s scream was nearly drowned out by the groan of stressed metal and the frantic chirping of a dozen proximity alarms. He was currently gripped onto the back of the pilot’s chair, knuckles white, as a jagged hunk of carbonaceous rock whizzed past the viewport, missing their hull by a distance Orion preferred not to calculate."I am pivoting, Orion! Physics just doesn't work as fast as your panic does!" Cassian Voidmere yelled back, his hands dancing across the flight console with a calm that bordered on the insulting. He spared a second to blow a stray lock of dark hair out of his eyes, sighing audibly. "And could you stop breathing down my neck? It’s not helping the aerodynamics.""I’m providing moral support! And tactical oversight!" Orion adjusted his flight jacket, trying to regain a shred of dignity as the ship banked hard, slamming him against the bulkhead. "Did we lose them? Tell me we lost them."Cassi
Chapter 2: Two Captains, One Kitchen
Orion watched Lyra march toward the airlock like she already owned the place. He looked at the wreck of his ship, then back at his new partner."Cassian?" Orion squeaked."Yeah, Cap?""I think I liked the pirates better."Lyra didn’t wait for them. Her boots snapped against the scorched deck plating with a rhythmic, military precision that made Orion’s teeth ache. She stepped over a dangling power coupling, barely glancing at the sparks, and planted herself in the center of the bridge."Logs," Lyra commanded, not even looking back at Orion as he stumbled in behind her."Excuse me? A 'hello' would be nice," Orion said, trying to regain some semblance of authority by leaning against the pilot’s chair. It groaned and slid six inches to the left. "Maybe a 'nice job surviving that planetary impact, Captain.'""I’ll congratulate you when you manage to park without involving a search and rescue team," Lyra said, her fingers dancing across a holographic interface she’d pulled from her wrist c
Chapter 3: The Goat-Pocalypse
The lead goat let out a sound that was half-bleat, half-burp, and spat a piece of the Captain’s charred leather hat onto the floor."Is that... purple fur?" Orion asked, his voice cracking. "Why is it purple, Lyra? Why is it looking at me like I’m made of hay?""Orion, look at the floor," Lyra hissed, her hand tightening around the heavy serving tray. "It’s not just your hat. They’re eating the insulation off the floor panels. They’re eating everything that isn't solid steel.""Hey! Hey! Get away from that!"A tall, broad-shouldered man with a scar running through his left eyebrow burst into the galley, skidding to a halt. Ronan Astervale, the ship’s weapons specialist, looked like he’d just woken up from a very long, very deep nap—mostly because he was still in his undershirt. He froze, his eyes widening as he spotted a particularly plump goat gnawing on the barrel of a sleek, black rifle."My Mark-IV Pulse-Rifle!" Ronan wailed, lunging forward. "That’s a custom-weighted stock! It’s
Chapter 4: Diplomacy is for Dummies
"Then step on it, Cassian! Before the Ambassador starts thinking we’re ghosting her!"Orion gripped the back of the pilot’s seat as the Star-Skipper’s engines gave a terminal-sounding wheeze before kicking into a high-pitched whine. The stars outside the viewport stretched into long, neon ribbons of light."I’m stepping, Orion! But just so you know, the 'Toaster-Powered Sensor Array' is currently vibrating at a frequency that’s making my teeth numb!" Cassian shouted over the roar of the thrusters."That just means it’s working!" Orion yelled back. "Lyra, status on the Aurelia?"Lyra was strapped into the tactical station, her hands flying across a keyboard that looked far too clean for this ship. "They’re holding, but barely. I’m picking up five—no, six pirate drones circling the transport. They’re picking at the shields like vultures.""Alright, crew, listen up," Orion said, trying to find his 'Captain’s Voice' while the floor vibrated violently. "We’re going in quiet. Stealth is the
Chapter 5: The Secret in the Pipes
"My ship? My beautiful, falling-apart ship is a map?"Orion stared at the screen Lyra was holding, his jaw practically hitting the floor of the bridge. The glowing blue schematic of the Star-Skipper was overlaid with a complex lattice of golden lines—data points that didn't correspond to any standard flight system."Not just a map, Orion. It’s embedded into the structural resonance of the hull," Lyra said, her voice Tight with a mixture of professional awe and mounting dread. "Darius didn't just steal a file. He stole the key to reading the vibration patterns we've been putting out every time we jump.""So, the rattling? That wasn't just a loose bolt in the galley?" Orion asked, his eyes wide."It was a frequency, you idiot," a cool, feminine voice drifted from the ceiling speakers. "And honestly, it was an incredibly annoying one. I’ve been trying to filter it out for three years."Orion jumped, looking up at the nearest intercom. "Selene! You’re back online? And since when do you ha
Chapter 6: Breaking into the Bright-Zone
"That too! It’s a very long name!"Orion scrambled into the cockpit, nearly tripping over a loose floor grating. He slammed into the co-pilot’s seat, his eyes locked on the long-range scanners. The Aegis Reach loomed ahead on the display—a jagged scar of nebula gas and high-frequency sensor nets."Cassian, tell me you’ve got a ghost signal ready," Orion said, his hands hovering over the thruster overrides."I’ve got something better," Cassian replied, his fingers flying across the console. "See that big, ugly hunk of metal on the long-range? That’s a Class-M military freighter, the Iron Sovereign. It’s hauling heavy munitions into the Reach. It’s got a sensor shadow the size of a small moon.""You want to tail a military ship?" Lyra asked, straping herself into the tactical station. "Orion, if we get caught in their slipstream, the turbulence alone will shred the hull. Not to mention their rear-facing scanners.""That’s why we’re going to be very, very quiet," Orion said, grinning. "C
Chapter 7: The Poison and the Prom
"I told you," Orion grinned, adjusting his collar with a flourish. "It’s the hair. It inspires confidence.""Confidence is one thing, Orion. Glowing is another," Lyra said, her voice dropping into a register of genuine concern. She pulled back her sleeve, and the bridge went silent. The small red mark from the dart was gone, replaced by a web of pulsing, neon-blue veins that reached from her shoulder down to her elbow. "Is it supposed to look like I swallowed a star?""Vela! Theron! Get over here!" Orion yelled, his bravado vanishing instantly.Vela slid out from under a console, a wrench still in her hand. She took one look at Lyra’s arm and whistled through her teeth. "Yikes. That’s not just a tracker, Cap. That’s a Hegemony 'Leash.' It’s a neuro-toxin combined with a localized EMP broadcast. It’s designed to keep prisoners compliant by, you know, slowly shutting down their nervous system while screaming their location to every patrol within ten sectors.""Can you fix it?" Orion ask
Chapter 8: The Prison of Echoes
"I really hate your plans, Orion!" Cassian’s voice crackled through the comms, competing with the bone-shaking rattle of the Star-Skipper’s reentry shields. "Every time you say 'we're going to jail,' we actually end up in jail!""It’s not just jail, Cass! It’s a rescue mission!" Orion shouted back, his hands white-knuckled on the flight controls. "There’s a difference! Mostly in the intent!""The intent won't stop a rail-gun from turning us into space-dust!" Vela yelled from the engine room. "Cap, the heat sinks are screaming! If you don't level us out, we’re going to be the first toasted marshmallows in the Tartarus system!""Hold it together, everyone!" Lyra commanded, her voice remarkably steady despite the fact that her seat was vibrating at a frequency that suggested imminent disassembly. "We’re through the first layer of the atmosphere. Scanners are… wait. That can't be right."Orion squinted through the frost-rimmed viewport. "What? Did they lock onto us? Are the missiles comin
Chapter 9: Father of the Year
"Dad," Orion said, his voice cracking slightly as he stared at the man he hadn’t seen in a decade. "Are you... are you seriously making toast right now?"Magnus Stargrave didn’t look up from the ancient, blackened heating element he was hovering a slice of synthetic sourdough over. "It’s a high-stress environment, Orion. My blood sugar is crashing, and this bunker hasn’t had a delivery of fresh supplies since the Hegemony forgot I existed. You want a slice? It’s a bit charred, but it’s got crunch.""We just ran through a field of hallucinogenic moss and dodged orbital lasers to find you!" Orion shouted, gesturing wildly at the heavy steel door that was still vibrating from the impact of plasma bolts outside. "I thought you were a political prisoner in a high-tech torture chamber, not a guy hosting a brunch for one!""It’s not brunch, it’s survival," Magnus grunted, finally flipping the toast with a pair of rusted needle-nose pliers. He looked over his shoulder, his eyes scanning Lyra
Chapter 10: The Galactic Blackout
The silence didn’t last. It was a lie, a brief atmospheric pause before the universe decided to scream back at them."Ow! My ears! My actual, physical ears!" Orion bellowed, clutching the sides of his head as a sound like grinding glass tore through the cockpit."Stop complaining and look at the sensor readouts!" Magnus yelled, though he was currently floating three inches off the captain’s chair. "Or don't, because the sensors are currently convinced we’re inside a giant cup of tea!"Orion forced his eyes open, and the breath hitched in his throat. The Star-Skipper wasn’t in hyperspace. They weren’t even in the Reach anymore. The stars outside the viewport had been stretched into long, shimmering ribbons of neon pink and toxic lime green. The hull groaned, not with the sound of metal under pressure, but with a rhythmic, pulsing thrum that felt like a heartbeat."Uh, Vela? Why is the floor becoming transparent?" Theron squeaked. He was hugging a ceiling support beam, his legs kicking