Ascended by Accident: My Luck is a Joke

Chapter 6

"Don't. Just... don't," Mei Lin said, her voice a flat line of exhaustion as they continued down the winding forest path.

"Oh, come on, Mei! Think about the tactical advantage!" Dimas trotted after her, his polyester pajamas fluttering. "If my feet are flashing neon blue every time I take a step, the enemy will be too distracted by the sheer aesthetic to aim straight. It’s psychological warfare 101."

"It’s a beacon for every assassin within five miles," she countered, not looking back. "And stop calling me 'Mei.' It’s General Tan. Or Head of the Martial Hall. Or, if you’re feeling particularly suicidal, ‘Grandmistress.’"

"How about 'Mei-Mei'?"

The sound of Mei Lin’s sword clicking an inch out of its scabbard echoed through the quiet woods.

"Right. General it is. Loud and clear," Dimas muttered, raising his hands. "But seriously, can we talk about the 'Orange Justice' thing? I think I pulled something in my lower back. Do you guys have, like, magical tiger balm? Or a spiritual chiropractor?"

Mei Lin stopped so abruptly that Dimas nearly walked into her back. She turned, her icy blue eyes scanning him with a look that sat somewhere between pity and genuine scientific curiosity.

"You move like a man whose bones were put in backward," she said softly. "Yet, you routed eight armed men without drawing a weapon. You didn't even use a drop of spiritual essence. Dimas... how?"

"I told you! It’s the 'Zero Path'!" Dimas lied, his heart doing a nervous salsa. "The less I try, the more I succeed. It’s very Zen. Very... high-concept. You wouldn't get it; you’re too busy being a badass."

"I am 'busy' trying to keep us alive," she snapped, though her cheeks took on a faint, pinkish hue. "And if you—"

She froze. Her hand went to her hilt. "Someone’s coming. Many someones."

"Are you kidding me?" Dimas groaned, looking toward the sky. "Is there a Groupon for 'Rob the Weirdo in Pajamas' today? Is there a sign on my back that says 'Free Loot Here'?"

"Silence," Mei Lin hissed, pulling him behind a massive, gnarled oak tree. "It’s the rest of them. The bandit leader’s main crew. I count at least twenty."

"Twenty?" Dimas whispered, his voice hitting a pitch only dogs could hear. "Mei, twenty is a lot! That’s more than a soccer team! That’s a whole flash mob of murder!"

"Stay behind me," she commanded, her aura beginning to chill the air. "I will clear a path. When I give the signal, you run toward the northern ridge."

"Run? I can barely walk in these flip-flops!" Dimas hissed back.

He peered around the tree. A group of men in spiked leather armor were swaggering down the trail, led by a man so large he looked like he’d been carved out of a boulder. He was carrying a spiked club that was definitely bigger than Dimas’s torso.

"Where’s Sharky and the boys?" the giant roared. "They were supposed to have the girl and the glow-worm by now!"

"I’m the glow-worm," Dimas whispered to himself, a cold sweat breaking out. "I’m a glow-worm in a forest full of hungry birds."

"Dimas, get back," Mei Lin whispered, her hand glowing with a faint silver light.

"I'm trying! I’m—whoa!"

Dimas tried to reposition himself, but his cheap night-market flip-flop hit a patch of slick moss. His legs went wide, and he instinctively reached out to grab the nearest thing to steady himself.

The 'nearest thing' happened to be a thick, low-hanging branch directly above his head.

CRACK.

"Uh oh," Dimas said.

He didn't just grab the branch; he yanked it down with the full weight of his panic. Hanging from that branch was a massive, pulsating gray orb the size of a beach ball.

A beehive. A spiritual beehive, filled with Iron-Stinger Wasps.

"DIMAS!" Mei Lin screamed.

"I’VE GOT IT! I DON'T HAVE IT! I REALLY DON'T HAVE IT!" Dimas yelled as the hive detached and fell.

In a moment of pure, unadulterated terror, Dimas didn't catch the hive. He panicked and performed what could only be described as a frantic volleyball serve. His palm connected with the gray orb, sending it flying out from behind the tree and directly into the center of the bandit group.

The hive hit the giant leader’s shoulder and exploded.

A cloud of angry, glowing-red wasps erupted like a volcanic ash cloud.

"BEES! GOD, WHY IS IT ALWAYS BEES?" the giant screamed, swinging his club wildly. "THEY’RE IN MY BEARD! THEY’RE IN MY SOUL!"

"It’s a chemical attack!" another bandit shrieked, sprinting into a tree. "The Ancestor has summoned the Wrath of the Swarm!"

Mei Lin stared at the chaos, her sword half-drawn. She looked at the bandits being chased into the undergrowth by a literal cloud of death, then back at Dimas, who was currently hiding his face behind his hands and whimpering.

"You... you used the environment," she whispered, her voice full of awe. "You calculated the weight of the hive, the trajectory of the wind, and the exact moment they would be in range. Dimas... that was incredible."

"I... uh... yeah!" Dimas straightened his pajama top, trying to stop his knees from knocking. "The, uh, 'Sting of the Seven Hells' technique. Very precise. Very... biological."

"The leader is still standing!" Mei Lin warned, pointing.

The giant leader, covered in stings and looking like a lumpy tomato, was charging toward their tree. "I’LL KILL YOU! I’LL CRUSH YOUR BONES INTO DUST!"

"Mei! Do the thing! Use the sword!" Dimas yelled, backing away.

"He’s too close! If I release my technique now, the blast will hit you too!" she cried, reaching for him.

"Stay away! I’m—oops!"

Dimas’s foot found a discarded peel from the 'Sun-Ripened Spirit Fruit' he’d been snacking on earlier. His heel slid forward. His other leg flew up.

"DIMAS, WATCH OUT!"

Dimas performed a spectacular, 360-degree mid-air rotation of pure clumsiness. As he fell, his flailing leg swung out like a scythe. His heel, backed by the momentum of his entire falling body, connected squarely with the giant leader’s chin.

CLACK.

The leader’s head snapped back. His eyes rolled into his skull. The massive man hit the ground with a thud that vibrated the very floor of the forest.

Dimas landed flat on his back, the wind knocked out of him. "Ow... my dignity... my spine..."

Mei Lin stood over him, her jaw literally dropped. She looked at the unconscious giant, then at the banana peel, then at Dimas.

"The 'Slip of the Heavenly Pivot,'" she whispered, her eyes shining with a terrifying intensity. "You feigned a fall to bypass his guard. You used a discarded fruit as a catalyst for a rotational kick that would have broken a mountain. I... I have never seen such mastery."

"I meant to do that," Dimas wheezed, staring up at the canopy. "Total calculation. One hundred percent... tactical... gravity."

Mei Lin reached down, her hand trembling slightly as she took his and pulled him to his feet. She didn't let go immediately. She stepped into his space, her face inches from his. "How deep does your wisdom go, Dimas? Are you mocking the very laws of physics? Or are you simply so far above us that you find our 'martial arts' boring?"

Dimas looked into her icy blue eyes and saw something new. It wasn't just suspicion anymore. It was fascination. It was a slow-burning heat that made his breath hitch for a reason that had nothing to do with the fall.

"I just... I just think people focus too much on the standing up part," Dimas said, his voice dropping an octave. "Sometimes, the best way to win is to just... let go. You know?"

Mei Lin’s gaze dropped to his lips. "To let go," she repeated.

The moment was so thick with tension you could have cut it with one of her spirit-swords. Dimas felt his heart racing. Is she going to kiss me? Is the scary sword-lady actually going to—

"PLEASE! SPARE ME!"

The romantic tension shattered like a dropped mirror.

One lone bandit was left. He was the scrawny one from earlier, the one who had stayed behind. He was currently prostrated on the ground, banging his forehead against the dirt.

"Don't turn me into a bee! Don't make me slip on the Fruit of Doom!" the bandit wailed.

Dimas cleared his throat, stepping back from Mei Lin and trying to look regal. "Rise, peasant. I have no need for your pathetic soul today."

The bandit looked up, his eyes wide with a strange, frantic recognition. He stared at Dimas—at the messy hair, the cheap polyester, and the way he held his arms.

"That... that movement," the bandit whispered, his voice trembling. "The way you fell... the way you hummed that strange tune... 'Ooh-pa Jakarta Style'..."

"What about it?" Dimas asked, narrowing his eyes.

"The Prophecy of the Shattered Mirror!" the bandit cried, his voice echoing through the trees. "The Ancient Texts of the Fallen Star! It said that when the world grew too stiff, a master would arrive who moved like water in a broken bottle! A master who would 'Dance the Void' and 'Fall Upwards to Victory'!"

Mei Lin stiffened. "The Prophecy of the Shattered Mirror? That’s a legend from the First Dynasty. It’s been lost for centuries."

"It’s not lost!" the bandit scrambled backward, pointing at Dimas. "He is the Unbalanced One! The Chaos-Walker! The one who will dismantle the heavens by accident!"

"Wait, 'dismantle the heavens by accident'?" Dimas blinked. "That sounds like a lot of work. Can I just be the guy who gets a free lunch?"

"He confirms it!" the bandit screamed, turning and bolted into the woods. "THE ACCIDENTAL GOD HAS RETURNED! RUN! RUN FROM THE CRINGE THAT BURNS THE SOUL!"

The forest went silent once more. Dimas and Mei Lin stood in the clearing, surrounded by unconscious bandits and the lingering scent of angry wasps.

Mei Lin turned to him, her expression unreadable. "The Accidental God? Dimas... what exactly did you do in the 'Jakarta' realm?"

"Mei, I’m telling you," Dimas sighed, looking at his scuffed flip-flops. "I just designed logos. I think there’s been a massive misunderstanding."

"A misunderstanding that banishes demons and fulfills ancient prophecies?" She stepped closer, her hand sliding almost unconsciously to his arm. "I don't believe you. But for the first time... I don't think I care."

"You don't?"

"No," she whispered, her eyes softening into a shade of blue Dimas had never seen. "Whatever you are, Dimas... you’re the only thing in this world that makes me laugh. Even if I have to kill you for it later."

Dimas grinned, feeling a surge of genuine, non-system-related confidence. "I’ll take those odds, General. Now, can we find some actual food? I’m starving, and I think I’m allergic to being a prophecy."

As they walked away, the neon-blue system window flickered into life one last time.

[SYSTEM NOTIFICATION: NEW TITLE ACQUIRED]

[TITLE: THE ACCIDENTAL GOD OF CHAOS]

[EFFECT: LUCK STAT INCREASED BY 500% (BUT ONLY WHEN YOU ARE EMBARRASSED)]

"Great," Dimas muttered. "My superpower is literally being a clown. My life is a joke, and the universe is the audience."

"What was that?" Mei Lin asked.

"Nothing, Mei. Just... thinking about the logo for my new religion. I’m thinking... a banana peel over a golden dragon. Minimalist. Bold. You'll love it."

"I hate you so much," she said, but she didn't let go of his arm.