The Accidental Adventurer's Guide to Chaos

Chapter 3: The Sarcastic Status Screen

"So, just to be clear," Rangga said, stumbling over a protruding root that pulsed with a faint violet light, "I’m currently a Level 2 bio-hazard whose primary weapon is a violent allergic reaction. Is that about right?"

Sirinya didn't look back, her silver hair swaying rhythmically against her armor as she marched forward. "You are a 'Carrier,' Rangga. The fact that your first combat contribution involved a sneeze is... well, it’s a tragedy, but it’s the reality we live in."

"A tragedy? I saved us! Those Slime-Puppies were going to turn us into human-flavored gelatin!"

"I had the situation under control," she said, her voice tight. "I am a Third-Class Knight of the Silver Aegis. I’ve fought Wyverns that could swallow you whole without needing to chew. I didn't need a golden snot-rocket to finish my battle."

Rangga sighed, waving a hand in the air to dismiss a lingering notification. "Okay, fine. Professional pride. I get it. But let’s talk about this floating blue box that’s been hovering in my peripheral vision for the last ten minutes. It’s starting to give me a migraine. How do I actually... you know, look at it without feeling like I’m cross-eyed?"

Sirinya stopped abruptly and turned to face him. The Whispering Fields were behind them now, replaced by a path lined with trees that looked like they were made of hammered bronze. "You haven't accessed your Status Screen yet? How are you even walking in a straight line? The Aetheric pressure from a Main Quest alone should be messing with your equilibrium."

"I’m a customer service rep, Sirinya. I’ve spent eight hours a day staring at glitchy spreadsheets while a guy named Terry screamed at me about his roaming charges. My equilibrium was destroyed years ago."

"Focus," she commanded. "Imagine a pool of water in your mind. Reach into it. Command the System to manifest. Just think the word 'Status.'"

Rangga closed his eyes. Status.

DING.

[ PLAYER STATUS: RANGGA ALVERO ]

[ LEVEL: 2 ]

[ CLASS: NONE (AND IT SHOWS) ]

[ TITLE: CLUELESS WANDERER ]

[ STRENGTH: 3 (LIFTS A PEN WITH EFFORT) ]

[ AGILITY: 4 (TRIPS OVER FLAT SURFACES) ]

[ INTELLIGENCE: 10 (AVERAGE, FOR A PRIMATE) ]

[ LUCK: 99 (HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?) ]

Rangga’s eyes snapped open. "Hey! This thing is incredibly rude!"

"What does it say?" Sirinya asked, leaning in with a curious tilt of her head. "Your stats are usually a reflection of your potential and current state."

"It says my strength is a three and that I lift pens with effort! And my title... 'Clueless Wanderer'? Seriously? I have a Bachelor’s degree in Communications!"

"The System doesn't care about your paper from the 'New Jersey' realm," Sirinya said, a tiny, almost imperceptible smirk tugging at the corner of her mouth. "It measures your value to Aetheria. And right now, you’re a Level 2 nobody holding a Grade-S Artifact. Your 'Luck' stat must be massive if you haven't been eaten yet."

"It is, actually. It’s ninety-nine. But look at this!" Rangga pointed at the empty space where his screen was. "It says my class is 'None' and then adds 'And it shows' in parentheses! Is this thing sentient? Is it mocking me?"

"The System can be... blunt," Sirinya admitted, turning back to the path. "It’s a manifestation of the world’s logic. If it’s mocking you, it’s because you’re acting in a way that defies logic. Like trying to fight monsters with your nose."

"I told you, that was an accident!" Rangga jogged to catch up with her. "So, where are we going exactly? You mentioned a Crystal City, but then you said something about an Iron-Oak City?"

"Iron-Oak is the nearest regional hub," she explained, her hand resting habitually on the hilt of her sword. "It’s a garrison town. We need to get you inside the walls before the sun sets. When the sky turns black, the 'Laughing Grass' stops giggling and starts biting. Plus, I need to report your arrival to the High Command. A Hero-tier Quest being triggered by a commoner... it’s going to cause a political earthquake."

"Can we not use the word 'earthquake'? I’ve had enough physical trauma for one day," Rangga muttered. "And I’m not a hero. I’m a delivery guy. The box said 'Deliver the pebble.' I’m basically an interdimensional Uber driver."

"With the fate of the realm in your pocket," Sirinya added. "Don't underestimate the Pebble of Eternal Destiny. It’s the key to the Seal of Aether. If the Shadow Council gets their hands on you, they won't just kill you. They’ll use you as a battery for the next thousand years."

Rangga felt a chill that had nothing to do with the breeze. "A battery? Like... for a car?"

"Worse. For a Dark Fortress. You’ll be kept in a state of perpetual agony to fuel their spells. So, if you value your skin—and that hideous shirt—you’ll do exactly what I say."

"The shirt is fine, Sirinya! It’s professional!"

"It’s an eyesore. Once we get to the city, we’re getting you some proper tunics. You look like a lost accountant who wandered into a war zone."

"I am a lost accountant—well, close enough! I was an Billing Specialist before the promotion!"

They walked in silence for a while, the bronze trees giving way to a more structured landscape. The dirt path widened into a paved road made of large, flat stones that shimmered with a dull metallic sheen. In the distance, the silhouette of a massive city began to rise against the violet sky. Its walls were thick, dark, and reinforced with what looked like giant roots of iron.

"Is that it?" Rangga asked, squinting. "Iron-Oak?"

"Yes," Sirinya said, her posture straightening. She looked more like a knight now and less like a frustrated babysitter. "Keep your head down. Don't speak unless I tell you to. The guards are jumpy, and they don't like strangers—especially strangers who smell like strawberries and ozone."

"That’s the air! I told you, the air tastes like soda here!"

"Just be quiet, Rangga."

As they approached the massive gates, which were easily forty feet high, Rangga noticed the guards. They weren't just men in armor; they were giants, draped in heavy furs and plate mail that looked like it had been forged from the same iron-wood as the city walls. They held halberds that glowed with a faint, threatening red light.

"Halt!" the lead guard bellowed, his voice sounding like two boulders grinding together. He stepped forward, his helm hiding everything but a pair of glowing yellow eyes. "Identify yourselves."

Sirinya stepped forward, reaching into a pouch at her belt. She pulled out a silver medallion engraved with a winged shield. "Sirinya Chaweng, Third-Class, Silver Aegis. I am returning from a scouting mission in the Whispering Fields."

The guard glanced at the medallion, then his gaze shifted to Rangga. The yellow eyes narrowed. He didn't just look at Rangga; he stared through him.

"And the... thing with the wrinkled skin?" the guard asked, his voice dropping an octave.

"He is a civilian under my protection," Sirinya said firmly. "He has information regarding a Class-S anomaly."

The guard didn't move. He lowered his halberd, the tip pointing directly at Rangga’s chest. The red glow on the blade intensified, beginning to hum with a low, vibrating frequency.

"Information?" the guard rumbled. "Sirinya, have you lost your senses? Look at his aura."

Rangga looked down at himself. "My what? I don't see anything. Is it the glitter? I told you, I fell in some silver dust!"

"Stay back, Rangga," Sirinya warned, her hand drifting to her sword. "Captain, what’s the problem? He’s harmless. He’s Level 2."

"Level 2?" The guard let out a harsh, barking laugh. "The System might say he’s a novice, but my Aegis-Lens doesn't lie. This 'civilian' is radiating a Calamity-class signature. He’s not a man."

Rangga’s heart skipped a beat. "I’m sorry, a what-class? I’m a human! I have a cat! I like N*****x!"

The other guards began to surround them, their halberds forming a circle of glowing red steel.

"Captain, wait!" Sirinya shouted, stepping between Rangga and the guards. "He’s a Carrier! He’s bound to a Legendary Quest item! That’s what you’re sensing!"

The Captain stepped closer, his massive shadow completely engulfing Rangga. He leaned down, the heat from his armor radiating like a furnace. "A Carrier? Or a vessel? Because from where I’m standing, Knight, he looks like a Great Demon wearing the skin of a very poorly dressed clerk."

Rangga looked at the floating blue box in front of him, hoping for some help.

[ ALERT! ]

[ YOU ARE BEING PERCEIVED AS: A WORLD-ENDING THREAT. ]

[ SYSTEM ADVICE: PERHAPS YOU SHOULD SNEEZE AGAIN? ]

"Oh, shut up," Rangga hissed at the air.

"Who are you talking to, demon?" the Captain growled, raising his weapon.

"I’m talking to my UI!" Rangga yelled, his hands up. "And for the record, I’m not a demon! I’m just a guy who wanted a bag of pretzels! If I were a Calamity, do you think I’d be wearing khakis?"

The guards paused, looking at each other in confusion. Sirinya seized the moment. "Captain, I am staking my rank and my life on this. Let us pass. If he were a demon, would he really be this... pathetic?"

The Captain looked Rangga up and down. He looked at the wrinkled button-down, the silver dust in his hair, and the way his knees were visibly shaking.

"He is remarkably pathetic," the Captain admitted, though he didn't lower his weapon. "Fine. But he doesn't go to the tavern. He goes straight to the High Inquisitor. If he so much as twitches, I’ll take his head myself."

"Deal," Sirinya said, grabbing Rangga by the collar and dragging him toward the gate.

As they passed under the massive archway, Rangga whispered, "The High Inquisitor? That sounds like someone who uses a lot of hot irons and no anesthesia."

"It’s better than being executed at the gate," Sirinya whispered back. "Just keep your mouth shut. And for the love of the gods, Rangga... do not sneeze."

Rangga looked around at the city. It was a marvel of stone and steam, with pipes hissing blue vapor and shops selling everything from glowing swords to bottled lightning. But every single person they passed stopped and stared. They didn't look at Sirinya. They looked at Rangga with expressions of pure, unadulterated terror.

"Why are they looking at me like that?" Rangga asked, his voice trembling. "I’m Level 2! I’m a 'Clueless Wanderer'!"

Sirinya glanced at his reflection in a nearby fountain. "Rangga... the Pebble in your pocket. It’s not just glowing anymore."

Rangga looked down. A soft, golden light was bleeding through the fabric of his pants, casting a long, jagged shadow on the cobblestones behind him. The shadow didn't look like a man. It had wings, horns, and stood twenty feet tall.

"Is that mine?" Rangga pointed at the monstrous shadow.

"Yes," Sirinya said, her face pale. "I think the System's 'Luck' stat just backfired. You’re not a hero to them, Rangga. You’re the final boss."

"I really, really should have just gone to the cafeteria," Rangga moaned.