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Chapter 25: The Final Audit and The End Of Everything
Chapter 25: The Final Audit & The End of Everything (Pending Review)The day had come.The sky was a shade of gray that suggested both “we're overdue for a thunderstorm” and “reality has entered the draft phase.”A red blinking message hovered above every desk in the Bureau:FINAL CELESTIAL AUDIT COMMENCING IN: 3 HOURS(Bring pens, truth, and your last will in triplicate.)Freddie stared at it. “Three hours? That’s barely enough time to cry and rewrite the entire filing system.”Nigel nodded grimly. “Which is why we’re going to do both. Simultaneously.”Jeff the goat—still glowing faintly, still somehow employed—sneezed and turned a motivational poster into a legally binding prophecy clause. It read:“At the end of days, a goat shall sneeze, a rookie shall panic, and bureaucracy shall be the savior of worlds.”Freddie blinked. “...Oh no. I’m the rookie.”Mira grinned. “This is going to be fun!”Audit Prep: Total Panic, Mildly OrganizedThe Bureau’s bullpen transformed into a paper tor
Chapter 24: Timeline Errors and The Espresso Singularity
Chapter 24: Timeline Errors & The Espresso SingularityWhen the new form landed on Nigel’s desk with the force of a minor asteroid, he didn’t even flinch.He just took one look at it, calmly sipped his double-shot espresso, and muttered,“…Welp. Time is broken again.”Freddie peeked over his shoulder.FORM XZ-9Z: FINAL PROPHECY UPDATE — TIMELINE COLLAPSE IMMINENT“All events henceforth are retroactively happening in reverse unless you complete and submit Form TT-Loop-88 (Triplicate) within the next 12 minutes ago.”Freddie blinked. “I… I don’t even know what that means.”Nigel replied, “It means we’re late. Technically before now.”Just then, Mira ran past them backward, shouting, “WE HAVE TO FIX THE COFFEE—WAIT, I MEAN UNFIX IT—NO—AGH!”A paperclip opened a tiny wormhole behind her.Freddie looked down at his watch. It blinked ??:??.Kev stomped in, holding the sparking office coffee machine in both hands like it was a ticking time bomb.“It spoke,” Kev growled. “The espresso machine
Chapter 23: Mandatory Cross-Dimensional Team-Building Retreat
Chapter 23: Mandatory Cross-Dimensional Team-Building Retreat (Please Pack Accordingly)Freddie had battled cursed paperclips, survived a goat-induced prophecy, and barely escaped a stapler uprising with most of his limbs intact.But nothing—nothing—filled him with dread like the five words now glowing in fluorescent horror across the breakroom bulletin board:"MANDATORY CROSS-DIMENSIONAL TEAM-BUILDING RETREAT"Underneath in bold:Attendance is not optional. Absences will be punished by reassignment to the Department of Eternal Paper Cuts.Freddie turned to Nigel, who was reading the flyer with the same calm you might expect from a man moments from accepting his doom.“This is it,” Nigel said grimly. “The final test. The worst horror of all: enforced enthusiasm.”DepartureThey were herded through a glowing portal by HR agents wearing polo shirts and unnatural smiles. The portal deposited them in a surreal floating resort dimension called TrustFalls & Tentacles™: An Interdepartmental
Chapter 22: Rise Of the Staplers
Chapter 22: Rise of the Staplers (and Other Sentient Office Equipment)There are few sounds more terrifying in the Bureau than the ominous ka-chunk of a stapler priming itself—especially when no one is holding it.Freddie stood frozen by the filing cabinets, his blood turning to iced coffee. Somewhere behind him, another ka-chunk echoed… followed by a soft metallic clink and what might’ve been an evil giggle.Gwen slowly turned from her desk. “Please tell me that was someone manually stapling something.”Nigel stared at the trembling supply drawer. “Nope. That was definitely a self-arming stapler.”Mira bounced over. “Yay! The staplers are waking up! That means the prophecy is unfolding!”Kev narrowed his eyes. “Mira, you say that like it’s a good thing.”Mira blinked. “Isn’t it?”Jeff the goat sneezed from his containment circle, and all the paperclips on Gwen’s desk did a coordinated backflip.The Prophecy Gets WorseNigel read aloud from the freshly updated Omega-Plus file:“And lo
Chapter 21: Containing Jeff
Chapter 21: Containing Jeff (Or, How to Lose Your Sanity in 30 Minutes)There were many dangerous assignments in the Bureau—some involved wrangling cursed printers, others required negotiating with time-eating vortexes in the mailroom. But nothing—not even the Prophecy of Ultimate Unraveling—struck fear into the hearts of the Department of Misfortune quite like the task ahead:Goat containment.Jeff, the Bureau’s beloved(?) chaos goat, was lounging atop a desk, chewing on a dimensional rift and humming what sounded like the Jeopardy! theme in reverse.Nigel had gathered the team in the bullpen, wearing a helmet made of stamped forms and carrying a net labeled “USE ONLY IN EXTREME REGRET.”“I want to be very clear,” Nigel began, pointing at Jeff, “this is not a capture. This is a tactical pre-containment of an unpredictable quantum organism with horns, a sneeze radius of seven meters, and zero respect for reality.”Freddie looked pale. “Why does the net smell like regret and cinnamon?”
Chapter 20: The Prophecy Reclassification Meeting
Chapter 20: The Prophecy Reclassification Meeting (A.K.A. The Eighth Circle of Hell)There were many things Freddie hated about his job.The aggressive paperwork.The sneezing, reality-warping goat.The ever-present possibility of being erased from existence because of a misplaced comma.But nothing… nothing compared to the soul-crushing horror of mandatory department-wide meetings.The Misfortune Bureau’s largest conference room—dubbed The Oblivion Room—buzzed with the low, miserable hum of employees trapped in bureaucratic purgatory. The fluorescent lights flickered like they, too, longed for escape.Freddie sat between Nigel and Mira, clutching a half-filled coffee cup like a lifeline. Across the room, Kev scowled at a stack of meeting agendas, and Gwen methodically prepared her third industrial-strength espresso.The intercom crackled.“Attention all staff: Prophecy Reclassification Meeting begins… now.”A portal opened. The Celestial Auditor stepped through, accompanied by a floa
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