Am I sorry for breaking Damshii’s law? Yes. A little. But I'm not sad, because Lamaar was a wonderful man who made me, Ray, and Langit happy. I'm not sad that I became a bad damshii and broke the rules not to fall in love with the chosen one I serve. I was only sad when a small plane crashed into the mountain directly above Lamaar who was hunting wild orchids for me. Lamar died with nothing left of him. I did not find the remains of his body.

Even though he could have asked me to accompany him. But of course, he didn't because he wanted to surprise me. He was picking flowers of love for me. He didn't come back with his love tribute; the beautiful orchids of the forest. He left me with his children. Is this my real punishment? My punishment for breaking that rule about not being in love? The punishment for my mistake is losing my chosen man. In my heart, I felt it must have been punishment, because of the great pain in my chest and it forced tears to flood on certain nights.

The tears that only disappear if I dance under the full moon with Ray and Langit. Hoping my dance returns Lamaar to us. Unfortunately, the full moon only comes once a month. And my dance can never return the lover of my heart to me. Even though I dance with all my heart, with all my might, with all the feelings and hopes in my chest. The universe doesn't support me.

When Langit stopped suckling me at the age of five, four years after Lamaar's death, I was suddenly sent back to a man named Razan in a hot desert country. He was a special man because he was the only man in his village where most of the residents were crippled old women. He was the only one who could go out of the village to buy their necessities.

On his horse, he would mutter songs of praise to his Lord to travel in search of the needs of the old women. Muttering was done to produce more saliva that he could swallow again. If he doesn't mumble, then his mouth will dry quickly, and he will get thirsty easily. That's what he once said to me. Though the journey can take days, the canister of drinking water he carries should be enough for him and his horse. One day a large vulture hit his head while riding in the middle of the desert. Razan fell, and fainted for two days and two nights in the desert, until I was sent to his place, and brought him back to the village where there were old women who needed him alive.

At that time, Razan thought I was some kind of ghost or alien. He kept chanting a spell I didn't understand and backed away every time I approached him. Even though I had to put our foreheads together to be able to communicate directly with him. Finally, I have to wait for him to fall asleep to be able to put my forehead on his forehead and pair the nuye. Unlike what I did with Lamaar, I couldn't focus on serving Razan's needs. After he realized the advantages of being in my arms, Razan constantly wanted to take advantage of our ability to change places in an instant; to travel to places he previously had to travel by horse for a day or two. He even then wanted to visit places that were only pictured on television at the dairy shop he visited every time he finished grocery shopping.

I was not feeling free to accompany him. I always begged Razan to call me when I was done with his wish because I didn't have time to wait for him; I have to take care of my children who I left in a small village on a mountainside, I said. And like all good and chosen men, he was very empathetic and granted my request.

One day, he asked me to visit a street full of party people. He had never been in a crowd of strangely dressed people, with loud music, dancing freely in the streets all night. He wanted to be there, but he asked me not to leave him because he didn't know anyone there, he said. He was afraid. I had to say yes of course. Because as a damshii I am a gift to him. A gift that is hard to refuse anything the chosen wants. Can't refuse.

I had told Razan that Ray, my son was sick, he fell from a tall tree while returning the bird's nest to its branch. But he didn't seem to think the information was important to him. He was then engrossed in the festival crowd somehow, dancing with people who did not know each other. I was as usual observe in the distance, on the side of the road, waiting for him to kiss the green stone on his bracelet; his nuye, giving me orders to move him elsewhere or return to his village.

But Razan was enjoying the street party too much. He with a robe and dark veil is considered part of the festival, everyone who saw him patted him on the shoulder laughs, and offered food or drink. Razan enjoyed how people who didn't know each other could immediately greet each other and smile like good friends. Several times Razan looked at me, but not for help, more like asking me to dance with him. I politely refused, of course, because my mind was constantly filled with questions and worry whether Langit was awake or Ray needed me by her side.

Seeing that Razan was enjoying his time, I left him without his knowledge. I thought he was no longer afraid of being in the crowd; there seemed no danger lurking there. I wanted to be gone for just a few seconds, to make sure Langit and Ray were okay. After all, what could harm Razan in a place where everyone was partying like that, I thought at the time? A few seconds later, when I returned from checking on Ray and Langit, I found Razan lying on the side of the road, motionless, a red bottle in his right hand. Razan gulps something and almost dies. I left him, and he almost died. He didn't die, because I took him to Timerta lake, where I know the water can remove poison. Razan almost died, almost didn't survive.

My next abandonment was when Razan chased the deer into a dense forest he had never been in before. I think more about Langit who is sick with a fever, and my chosen man died drinking water from a poisoned tree trunk. I was lazy to check on him and ensure his safety only because Langit was whining about his fever. I was lazy, I neglected, and the chosen man died because of it.

I changed from a damshii to a grim reaper. Just because I can't concentrate on Razan at all. I don't love him and I don't keep this chosen man in my mind like a damshii should be. My mind only contains Ray and Langit. I might not be a damshii anymore.

There shouldn't be any reason that could make a damshii stop prioritizing his chosen man. I am such a disgraceful damshii and failed in my duty. Karambi, my damshii bestie; reassured me, saying that my fault was not entirely my fault. She said that's probably there’s something like disease in me that makes me act that way. That's so ridiculous.

Loving Lamaar to having two children with him will make my life shorter than the other damshii. That's what we damshii believed as the ultimate consequences. Then what punishment will be inflicted on me when the chosen man I have to serve turns out to be dead because of my neglect?

Razan's death did not make any changes to my body or my face or my dance of the full moon, nor Ray and Langit. Praise be to the Universe, the Almighty. However, maybe the punishment for all my neglect is unknown to me or even unknown to Karambi, and my other damshii sisters. Not knowing and being in ignorance is a severe punishment anyway. Especially if then you often become a statue or a lifeless creature at times when your child needs you to be a loving human with the title Mother; live, attentive, and joyful, not become a statue.

"You don't become a statue. You make yourself a statue. You can refuse to have your body frozen if you want. You punish yourself!!" accused Karambi.

She never felt what I felt. Even just the term "falling in love" made her think hard about interpreting it or associating it with the work of a damshii. It was very strange for her to feel the desire to love or to belong to someone. It was like an internal system malfunction in a damshii, and it happened to me once.

"You're not done with death. You're not necessarily punished either. I think you're just a malfunction. Maybe you will be granted another chance to make things right…" Karambi's opinion.

"Are you going to go like father? Go to the mountains and never come back?" Ray asked once while hunting mushrooms for our dinner. Ray can always surprise me with her straightforward questions or opinions. Like Lamaar who always comes up with surprising statements and makes those who receive them surprised but happily accept them. Ray's question this time I never expected it.

For Langit and Ray, their father who never returned home to meet them was a fate that stood in their way. Ray thought the same fate could happen again to me. If only I could freely tell my little girl everything, maybe she would understand and that would be a relief on her side too. However, imagining the following questions, about me as a damshii; keeps me from telling her everything. That's another rule to break. I can't afford it.

Maybe one day I'll have to, but not this time. No matter how miraculous the destiny of my two children will be, I have to prepare everything for them. Even though Ray doesn't know the truth, I have provided her with all the information and preparedness of what she can do, if suddenly I am called back to my duty as a damshii, leaving her and Langit.

"If I did it... I mean…disappeared like your father, do you know what to do, Ray?" I answered. Ray looked down with sad eyes.

"You know what you have to do, honey?" I repeated. My special girl nodded, still sad, but her nod was sure. I don't know how to comfort her. Just a simple prayer I say so that I do not have to leave them both forever. I hope there’s no good karma left for any man that can make me sent to anyone as damshii, also I want to live longer for my children.

“But, Kandi… from the shape of your stones and your seven bluish-green shawls behind you, I think you still a damshii. I believe, soon, there will be a human out there who needs you to be his miracle…” Karambi said.