Ascended by Accident: My Luck is a Joke

Chapter 2

Dimas stared at the massive, slammed doors, his heart hammering against his ribs like a trapped bird. The scent of Mei Lin’s "icy tea and death" perfume still hung in the air, making his nose itch.

"I’m dead," Dimas whispered, his voice cracking. "I’m so dead. I’m like, double-dead. I died in Jakarta, and now I’m going to die in... whatever this place is. Probably Heaven’s version of a bad action movie."

He scrambled to his feet, his "Golden Dragon" pajamas rustling. He needed an exit. He needed a window, a secret tunnel, or a very convincing cardboard box to hide in. But as he turned, the doors creaked open again. It wasn't the demonic army. It was Elder Feng, looking like he’d just run a marathon through a swamp.

"Ancestor! Why are you still here?" Feng wheezed, clutching his chest. "General Mei Lin is waiting in the training courtyard! She says the demons are delayed by the outer mountain mist, but she refuses to lead the defense until you... and I quote... 'stop acting like a confused turtle and show some spine.'"

Dimas winced. "She called me a turtle? That’s cold, Feng. Really cold."

"She is a woman of iron and ice, Great One!" Feng pleaded, grabbing Dimas’s sleeve. "But the disciples are wavering! They see her doubt, and it spreads like a plague. Please, you must show them! Just one technique! A flicker of the Eternal Void!"

"Feng, buddy, look at me," Dimas said, gesturing to his rumpled polyester. "Does this look like the outfit of a guy who can flicker anything? I can’t even flicker a light switch without getting a static shock."

"Your humility is a weapon in itself!" Feng cried, practically dragging Dimas toward the door. "To dress as a commoner, to speak the tongue of the simple folk—it is a masterclass in obfuscation! Come! The courtyard is this way!"

*

The training courtyard was a sprawling expanse of white marble, surrounded by weeping willow trees that looked like they were made of silver. At least a hundred disciples were gathered, their eyes wide with a mix of terror and desperate hope.

In the center stood Mei Lin Tan. She had traded her long traveling cloak for a silver breastplate that gleamed under the purple-tinged sky. Her hand rested on the hilt of a sword that looked like it was carved from a single shard of moonlight.

"You took your time," Mei Lin said, her voice carrying across the silent yard. "I was beginning to think our 'Ancestor' had decided to ascend back to the Divine Realm through the bathroom window."

Dimas walked toward her, his legs feeling like overcooked noodles. "Look, Mei—can I call you Mei? No? Okay. Look, General. I’m a big fan of the whole 'testing' thing, but isn't there a war happening? Shouldn't we be, I don't know, sharpening some arrows?"

"The war can wait five minutes," Mei Lin replied, stepping forward. The marble beneath her boots seemed to frost over. "The Cloud-Step Sect follows the strong. If you are a fraud, I will be the one to execute you. It is better we die by a demon’s hand than follow a liar to our doom."

"Execute? Isn't that a bit extreme?" Dimas laughed nervously, looking around at the disciples. "Hey guys, she’s joking, right? This is just... workplace banter?"

The disciples didn't laugh. One of them actually started praying.

Mei Lin didn't wait for a rebuttal. She drew her sword in a blur of silver light. "Defend yourself, Ancestor. Show me the 'Dragon of the Eternal Void' that you wear so proudly."

"Wait, wait, wait!" Dimas yelled, throwing his hands up. "I don't have a sword! It’s against my... uh... religion! I’m a pacifist! A very, very high-level pacifist!"

"A Master of the Void needs no steel," Mei Lin countered, her eyes narrowing. "Use your soul. Use your aura. Use anything but your mouth."

She lunged.

It wasn't a killing blow—at least, Dimas hoped it wasn't—but it was fast. To Dimas, it looked like a streak of lightning aimed directly at his shoulder.

"Holy—!" Dimas shrieked.

His foot caught on a slightly uneven marble tile. His ankle gave way, and he didn't so much "dodge" as he did "collapse ungracefully toward the left."

As he fell, his arms flailed wildly. His right hand swung out, catching a heavy incense burner stand. The stand tipped, and Dimas, in a blind panic, used the momentum to roll sideways, his pajama top flapping in the wind.

Mei Lin’s blade hissed through the empty air where his chest had been a millisecond before. She froze, her eyes widening in genuine shock.

"What...?" she whispered.

Dimas was currently on his hands and knees, gasping for air. "I... I meant to do that! That was the... uh... The Drunken... Graphic... Designer... Style!"

A collective gasp went up from the disciples.

"Did you see that?" a young boy whispered. "He didn't even look at the blade! He moved before she even finished her thought!"

"It wasn't a dodge," another added, his voice trembling with awe. "He predicted the trajectory of the wind! He used the tile's imperfection to lower his center of gravity! It was... it was transcendent!"

Elder Feng was vibrating with excitement. "The Swaying Willow of the Abyss! He is teaching us even as he fights!"

Mei Lin turned, her face a mask of confusion. "That was... unconventional. You moved without a single drop of spiritual energy. How? How is there no ripple in the air?"

Dimas scrambled back to his feet, dusting off his knees. "I told you, Mei. My power is so deep it looks like zero. It’s like math. If you go far enough right, you end up left. Or something. I’m very deep."

"Again," Mei Lin commanded, her grip tightening on her sword. "I won't miss twice."

"Can we not?" Dimas pleaded. "Seriously, I think I pulled a hamstring. That’s a very sacred injury."

Mei Lin ignored him. She blurred again. This time, she unleashed a flurry of strikes—a dance of silver that seemed to coat the entire courtyard in lethal light.

Dimas did the only thing a twenty-four-year-old who spent his life sitting in an ergonomic chair could do: he panicked and ran.

"Stop! Help! Someone call the police!" Dimas yelled, sprinting in a jagged, zig-zag pattern.

He tripped over a decorative rock, performed a clumsy somersault, and somehow ended up behind a stone pillar. Mei Lin’s sword sliced a thin layer of stone off the pillar, a fraction of an inch from Dimas’s ear.

"Why are you running?" she demanded, spinning around, her ponytail whipping like a lash.

"I’m not running! I’m... I’m kiting you!" Dimas shouted from behind the pillar. "It’s a tactical repositioning! You’re falling right into my trap!"

Mei Lin paused, her blade lowered slightly. "A trap? There is nothing here but marble and trees."

"That’s what you think!" Dimas said, his brain working at overclocked speeds. He spotted a loose petal falling from a willow tree. "Look! The petal! It’s the key to your defeat!"

Mei Lin instinctively looked at the falling petal.

Dimas took the opportunity to try and sneak away toward the back exit, but he slipped on a patch of moss and fell flat on his face with a loud SMACK.

The sound echoed through the courtyard. Silence followed.

Dimas groaned, his forehead throbbing against the cold stone. This is it, he thought. This is how I die. Facedown on a rock because I’m a clumsy idiot.

"He... he didn't even use his hands to break the fall," a disciple whispered, his voice full of terror. "He used his face to ground the excess energy of the earth! He’s... he’s absorbing the mountain's strength!"

Mei Lin stood perfectly still. She looked at the petal, then at Dimas, then at the shattered marble where his face had hit. There was no blood. Dimas’s skin was just... red.

"You..." Mei Lin started, her voice shaking with a strange emotion. "You didn't even flinch. You took the impact of the earth itself to prove a point? You’re mocking me. You’re mocking my entire path of cultivation."

Dimas slowly lifted his head, his vision swimming. "I’m... I’m not mocking you... I’m just... really... sturdy?"

Mei Lin sheathed her sword with a sharp clack. Her face was flushed, her icy composure finally cracking. "I have never seen such... bizarre movement. You have no rhythm. No logic. It’s as if you are moving in a dimension I cannot see."

"Finally! Someone gets it!" Dimas said, gingerly pushing himself up. "I’m in a different dimension. Mentally. Mostly."

"Fine," Mei Lin snapped, though her eyes lingered on his face with a new, burning curiosity. "If you are truly this 'Master of the Zero Path,' then lead us. The demons are at the gates. If your 'Drunken Style' can stop a Thousand-Soul Devourer, then I will bow to you myself."

"Wait, a thousand what?" Dimas’s eyes went wide. "That sounds like a lot of souls. Can we start with a One-Soul Devourer? Maybe a Half-Soul Devourer?"

"Ancestor! The gate!" Feng screamed, pointing toward the mountain pass.

A massive explosion of purple fire erupted at the edge of the sect's territory. The sky cracked, and a shadow large enough to cover the sun began to descend.

Dimas felt his stomach drop. "Okay, new plan. Does anyone have a very fast horse? Or a portal to Jakarta? I’ll even take a flight with a three-hour layover in Singapore!"

Suddenly, a bright, neon-blue window flickered into existence right in front of Dimas’s eyes. It was floating in the air, translucent and vibrating with a familiar digital hum.

[NOTIFICATION: UNUSUAL LOAD DETECTED]

Dimas blinked. "Wait... is that...?"

[SYSTEM INITIALIZING...]

[WELCOME, USER: DIMAS ARDHANA]

[CURRENT STATUS: FRAUDULENT ANCESTOR (LEVEL 1)]

"Oh, thank god," Dimas exhaled, a wave of relief washing over him. "The cheat code! I’m finally getting the cheat code! Give me the 'One-Punch' power! Give me the 'God-Slayer' sword!"

The window flickered and changed.

[SYSTEM ERROR: DIVINE POWER MODULE NOT FOUND]

[LOADING ALTERNATIVE INTERFACE...]

[WELCOME TO THE CELESTIAL REALM CUSTOMER SUPPORT DESK]

[Current Wait Time: 4,000 Years]

[Would you like to speak to a representative about your accidental reincarnation? Please hold. Your call is very important to us.]

A tinny, synthesized version of "The Girl from Ipanema" began to play inside Dimas’s head.

Dimas stared at the window. "You’ve got to be kidding me."

"Ancestor?" Mei Lin asked, stepping closer, her brow furrowed. "Why are you staring into space? And why are you humming that strange, jaunty tune?"

"It’s not jaunty, Mei!" Dimas yelled, throwing his hands toward the sky as the purple demon roared in the distance. "It’s elevator music! I’m on hold with the universe!"

[NEW TICKET CREATED: #882-99-HELP]

[Issue: Being eaten by a demon.]

[Priority: Low.]

Dimas looked at the demon, then at the "Customer Support" window, and then at the very confused, very beautiful woman waiting for him to save the world.

"I really," Dimas whimpered, "should have just finished those noodles."