Glitch of the Good Samaritan

Chapter 3: A Stray Savior

"Your personal life coach?" the thug in the middle scoffed, his boots clanging against the metal steps as he took another slow, deliberate step upward. "Is he going to pay for your dental work? Because you’re going to need a lot of it after we're done with you."

"Honestly, his rates are terrible, and his customer service is even worse," Henry yelled back, gripping the cold handrail. "But he does keep me on my toes!"

Before the thug could reply, a high-pitched, desperate sound cut through the echoing stairwell.

Mew! Mew!

Henry blinked, his eyes darting toward the sound. "Wait. Was that a tiny, pathetic cry for help, or did one of you guys just make a really weird noise?"

`[ALERT: INNOCENT LIFE IN PERIL!]`

`[GEOMETRIC ANOMALY DETECTED: A STRIPPED CALICO KITTEN IS CLINGING TO A LOOSE RAIN GUTTER OUTSIDE THE FIRE ESCAPE WINDOW.]`

`[QUEST ACTIVATED: FELINE FELICITY.]`

`[OBJECTIVE: RESCUE THE KITTEN BEFORE THE GUTTER COLLAPSES.]`

`[TIME LIMIT: 01:15]`

`[PENALTY FOR FAILURE: INSTANT KARMIC RETRIBUTION: LIGHTNING STRIKE. (YES, INDOORS. THE SYSTEM WILL FIND A WAY. DO NOT TEST US.)]`

"Are you freaking kidding me?!" Henry screamed at the holographic screen floating right in front of his nose. "Lightning?! Inside a concrete stairwell?! That physically makes no sense!"

"Who the hell are you screaming at, man?" the thug on the left, a bald guy with a scar over his lip, muttered. "Is this guy having some kind of mental breakdown?"

"Maybe he's trying to scare us," the leader in the middle said, narrowing his eyes. "Don't let him distract you. Grab him!"

"Look, guys, I would love to let you try and fail to break my bones, but I have a pressing engagement with a tiny mammal!" Henry shouted.

He didn't wait for them to process his words. With a sudden burst of speed, Henry kicked off the metal landing, launching himself forward.

"Get him!" the leader roared, lunging outward with his massive arms.

"Excuse me, pardon me, corporate parkour!" Henry yelled.

Using his newly unlocked Basic Martial Arts (Office Drone Variant) and his +1 Dexterity, Henry didn't run down. Instead, he jumped directly toward the concrete wall, planted his cheap leather shoe against the masonry, and pivoted. He leaped clean over the leader’s head, his dress pants making a dangerous tearing sound as his legs split in mid-air.

"What the—!" the leader gasped as Henry’s heel lightly clipped his shoulder, sending the heavy man stumbling down into his associates. "Did he just vault over me?!"

"He’s on the railing!" the bald thug yelled, pointing upward. "He’s freaking climbing the wall!"

"Hold on, little buddy! Uncle Henry is coming!" Henry called out, his hands gripping the rusty iron bars of the fire escape window.

The window was half-open, leading to a narrow ledge where a rusted-out metal rain gutter was dangling precariously over a three-story drop. Clinging to the very edge of the shaking metal pipe was a tiny, orange-and-white ball of fluff, its eyes wide with absolute terror.

`[TIME REMAINING: 00:45]`

`[MORALITY RATING: CALCULATING...]`

"Hurry up with the calculations, you stupid interface!" Henry grunted, squeezing his torso through the tight window frame. "My left thigh is stuck! Why did I eat that extra bagel this morning?!"

"Hey! Get down from there!" the leader shouted, recovery his balance and scrambling up the stairs after him. "What are you doing, trying to jump?!"

"Are you blind?!" Henry yelled back, half his body dangling out of the window. "There’s a kitten out here! A literal baby cat! What kind of heartless corporate mercenaries are you?!"

"A... a cat?" the bald thug blinked, pausing on the steps. "Wait, really? Where?"

"Bruce, don't look!" the leader snapped, swatting the bald thug's arm. "It's a trick! He's trying to soften us up with cute animals!"

"It’s not a trick, you massive blockhead!" Henry screamed, stretching his arm out as far as it could go. "Come here, little guy! Trust me! I’m an accountant, we are historically very gentle and terrible at physical confrontation!"

Creeeak.

The gutter groaned, slipping another inch down the brick wall.

Mew! the kitten shrieked, its tiny claws losing their grip on the wet metal.

"No, you don't!" Henry roared. He lunged forward, letting his legs slip entirely out of the window frame. For a horrifying second, he was suspended in mid-air, held only by his right hand gripping the window sill.

"He's gonna fall!" Bruce gasped, holding his hands to his cheeks. "Oh my god, he’s actually going to die for a kitten!"

"Shut up, Bruce!" the leader yelled, though he, too, stopped to watch in sheer disbelief.

With a desperate, lightning-fast swipe of his left hand—powered by his permanent dexterity boost—Henry scooped up the kitten right as the rain gutter detached completely and plunged three stories down, shattering on the asphalt below.

"Gotcha!" Henry laughed triumphantly, pulling himself back through the window frame with a heavy grunt. "Who's a good boy? You are! Yes, you are!"

`[QUEST COMPLETED: FELINE FELICITY.]`

`[MORALITY RATING: 100% (STUPIDLY HEROIC).]`

`[REWARD UNLOCKED: AGILITY BOOST (LEVEL 1) ACTIVATED.]`

`[BONUS REWARD: CAT WHISPERER (PASSIVE) - FELINES WILL NOW CONSIDER YOU A FRIENDLY HEATING PAD.]`

"Meow," the kitten purred, immediately crawling up Henry’s tie and stuffing itself into the breast pocket of his suit jacket, its tiny head poking out like a furry pocket square.

"Oh, look at that," Henry whispered, his eyes sparkling. "We match. Now, back to business."

Henry turned around, sliding back down to the concrete landing. He landed with a soft, perfectly balanced thip that didn't even make his knees click.

`[AGILITY BOOST ACTIVE. MOVEMENT SPEED INCREASED BY 50%. EFFECTIVE TIME: 03:00]`

The three thugs stared at him, completely flabbergasted.

"Okay, look," the leader said, shaking his head to clear the confusion. "That was... actually pretty cool. But we still have a job to do. Jackson paid us a lot of money to make sure you don't leave this building with that folder."

"I have a proposition," Henry said, patting his breast pocket where the kitten was happily kneading his shirt. "I am currently carrying highly fragile, extremely adorable cargo. If you hit me, you might hit the kitty. Do you really want to go to hell for punching a kitten?"

Bruce immediately took a step back. "Woah, woah, woah. No way, boss. I’m out. I do bad things, but I don't do animal abuse. My mom raised me better than that."

"He’s using the cat as a shield!" the leader yelled, his face turning red. "Are you seriously falling for this?!"

"It’s not a shield, it’s a hostage!" Henry corrected, raising a finger. "Wait, no, that sounds worse. It's psychological leverage! And it's highly effective!"

"I don't care about the cat!" the leader roared, lunging forward with a massive, sweeping right hook. "I'll just aim for your face!"

"Too slow!" Henry laughed.

With his Agility Boost active, the world seemed to slow down. The leader's fist moved through the air like a sleepy snail. Henry simply tilted his head to the left, letting the punch breeze past his ear.

"What?!" the leader gasped, his momentum carrying him forward.

"My turn!" Henry said. He executed a quick, three-step dance step, slipping behind the leader. He planted a firm palm against the man's lower back and gave a gentle, well-timed push. "Go find some inner peace, buddy!"

The leader stumbled forward, unable to stop his weight, and crashed headfirst into the wall, his forehead making a dull thud against the concrete before he slumped to the floor, groaning.

"Two left!" Henry cheered, turning to Bruce and the third thug. "Who wants to dance next? I’ve got plenty of stamina left, and my lower back feels incredible!"

The third thug, a shorter, wire-haired man who had been quiet the whole time, reached into his jacket. "Enough of this kung-fu garbage."

He pulled out a heavy, yellow-and-black plastic weapon. A taser.

"Whoa, hey!" Henry’s eyes widened. "Is that a taser? That is highly unregulated for corporate security!"

"Jackson said to bring you down," the wire-haired thug sneered, aiming the weapon directly at Henry’s chest. "He didn't say you had to be conscious."

Mew? the kitten poked its nose out, sensing the sudden drop in temperature.

"Oh, no, you don't," Henry gasped, his heart slamming against his ribs as he realized the taser prongs were aimed directly at his pocket. "If you shock me, you shock the baby!"

"Too bad!" the thug yelled, his finger tightening on the trigger.

POP!

The compressed air hissed as two shiny metal prongs, trailing thin copper wires, shot out of the barrel, flying straight toward Henry's chest.