Terms And conditions Apply : Invoicing The Apocalypse

Interim Decision From Liang Lahat

"...yellowed subpoena papers smelling of intergalactic incense."

The old man coughed slightly, dust flying from his long, thinning beard. He placed his old suitcase on the cracked concrete roof of Wisma Nusantara, right in front of the polished shoes of the woman in the black suit.

"Holy crap, Gramps! Who are you now? Don't tell me you're selling old newspapers in the middle of a carrier strike group siege like this!" shouted Qoriski while brandishing his gavel, which was now smeared with robot oil. "This is urgent, Old Man! Master Freza is about to press the button for Doomsday Volume Two!"

"Qor, shut up for a second. Look at the logo on that suitcase," Freza interrupted with narrowed eyes. "That's the symbol of the Universal Supreme Court, which has been out of circulation since the Great Inflation era three thousand years ago. Sir, are you really a Bailiff from the center?"

The old man nodded slowly, his trembling fingers unlocking the suitcase with a loud click. "My name is not important, Young Man. Just call me Gramps Bailiff. I came because I smelled the foul stench of market manipulation on this planet. And after checking the dimensional underground archives, it turns out to be true... this auction is a corporate crime."

"What is the meaning of this?!" Ms. Tax screamed, her stiff face now showing veins of rage. "Where did this crazy old man come from?! Ma'am, Sir, don't listen to him! He's just a system glitch that should have been deleted! Executioners, take him out!"

The two armored executioners lunged forward at supersonic speed. Their laser swords sliced through the air, aiming straight for the old man's neck. However, before the blades could touch his skin, a transparent shield in the shape of legal statutes appeared and deflected their attack, sending them flying to the edge of the building.

"Whoa! What kind of shield is that?! Why does it look like a giant Penal Code book?!" Qoriski gaped, his eyes nearly popping out of their sockets.

"That's called a Legal Immunity Shield, Qor. It can only be summoned if someone has a pure legal mandate from the center of the universe," Freza murmured, a thin smile playing on his lips. "Ms. Tax, it looks like your auction plan just hit a stumbling block bigger than a meteor."

"This is impossible! The Supreme Court has been disbanded since the Consortium took over judicial functions!" Ms. Tax pressed buttons on her tablet frantically. "Why can't my system read this man's data?!"

"The Court never disbanded, Miss. We've just been doing WFH or Work From Hell for the last few millennia because our office was seized in a dispute," Gramps Bailiff replied while pulling out a golden sheet of paper that emitted an aura of immense authority. "This is Interlocutory Decision Number 009/MAU/Earth-25. Based on evidence sent by Auditor Freza through underground distribution channels, the Court has decided to freeze all Andromeda Consortium assets on Earth, effective this very second."

"ASSET FREEZE?! Do you have any idea how much we'll lose if this auction stops for even one minute?!" Ms. Tax screamed hysterically, her neat hair starting to come undone.

"I don't care about your losses, lady. What I care about is the fate of my clients humanity," Freza stepped forward, raising his rainbow clipboard. "Gramps, I have the emotions of millions of Jakarta citizens here. This can serve as additional evidence regarding the biological asset theft they committed in Sector 9."

"Good, Freza. Enter that into the Minutes of Re-Seizure," said Gramps Bailiff. "Miss Tax, please call your superior. Tell them their 'Corporate Immunity' has been revoked due to gross human rights violations and dimensional tax evasion."

"Never! I have a mandate from the Board of Directors to finish this auction right now!" Ms. Tax raised her hand to the sky. "Andromeda Fleet! Ignore this ruling! Shoot down all targets on this rooftop! FIRE!"

The cannons of the carriers in the Jakarta sky began to glow with a lethal purple light. The hum of gathered energy made every building in Sudirman vibrate violently. The people below, still moving like robots, could only look up with blank stares as death prepared to claim them from the heavens.

"Master Freza! The carrier is about to fire! Do you have an article to stop a laser that big?!" Qoriski shrieked while covering his head with his hands.

"Citra! Can you hack their firing system?!" Freza asked quickly.

"I can't! They're using manual firing protocols from the main control room!" Citra unsheathed her sword, preparing for a suicidal move to parry the laser. "Freza, run! Take Gramps' suitcase! It's our only hope!"

"No one needs to run," Gramps Bailiff said calmly. He took the broom Freza had brought earlier and pointed it toward the sky. "In galactic civil procedural law, any attack carried out during a mediation period is an act of 'Contempt of Court.' And the punishment is... UNIT REFORMAT!"

Suddenly, from the broom Gramps held, thousands of golden chains shot into the sky at impossible speeds. The chains wrapped around every carrier cannon, drawing the accumulated laser energy and reflecting it back toward the ships' engines.

"BOOM!"

A chain reaction of explosions occurred in the Jakarta sky. The three lead carriers exploded violently, their debris falling like deadly fireworks illuminating the red night. The other ships wobbled, their systems in total chaos due to the legal counterattack.

"Insane! The neighborhood chief's broom really turned into a weapon of mass destruction!" Qoriski cheered, jumping up and down on the roof. "Take that, you evil tax collector! Eat the broom of justice!"

"Ms. Tax, want to continue, or should I read the article on resisting the execution of a court order?" Freza asked, adjusting his glasses. "If you surrender now, I might be able to put your name in the 'Justice Collaborator' program so your sentence isn't being thrown into a black hole."

Ms. Tax slumped onto the concrete, her tablet shattered into pieces. "You... you have no idea what you're facing... The Consortium won't stay silent... they'll send the real 'Liquidator Supreme'..."

"Let them send whoever they want. As long as I have the T&C in my right hand and an interlocutory ruling in my left, I'm not afraid," Freza replied firmly. "Gramps, what's our next move?"

"We must head to that crystal palace, Freza. We have to take over Earth's server control center and release human emotions through the main antenna," Gramps Bailiff closed his suitcase. "But be careful; it's not just robots in there. There's the 'Board of Assessors' who will test your worthiness as the new ruler of this planet."

"I'm ready for any test, Sir. As long as it's not an economic math exam; I hate those," Freza joked.

"Master, if we go in there, what position do I get?" Qoriski asked while straightening his dirty tie. "I'm not still a CS, am I? I want to be the 'Minister of Strategic Bludgeoning'!"

"Shut up, Qor! You're staying as my assistant until your debt is paid off!" Freza snapped.

"Geez, Master... still stingy as ever even though you're about to become king of the world," Qoriski grumbled.

"Citra, are you coming with us?" Freza asked.

"I have no place in Andromeda anymore. Being your informant seems to have better prospects than being a galactic security guard whose salary is being withheld," Citra replied, twirling her sword. "Let's go. Before their reserve forces land."

The four of them jumped from the roof of Wisma Nusantara toward the crystal palace standing grandly in the middle of the HI Roundabout. Along the way, guardian robots tried to block them, but with Qoriski's hammer, Citra's sword, and Gramps' legal mandate, they broke through the defensive lines with ease.

"Hey, the door is guarded by another iron dragon, Master!" Qoriski shouted as they reached the palace gates.

"It's not a dragon, Qor. That's an 'Automated Security Audit Unit.' You don't need to hit it let me do the talking," Freza stepped toward the iron dragon. "Hey, Machine! I'm Freza, the legitimate Lead Liquidator! I'm here to claim this building asset based on a debt collateral seizure!"

The iron dragon let out a loud digital growl. Its sensor eyes scanned Freza from head to toe. "STATUS: UNKNOWN USER. AUTHORIZATION DENIED. PREPARE FOR DATA ERASURE."

"Oh no, Master! The machine won't compromise!" Qoriski panicked, raising his hammer high.

"Wait! Look at this!" Freza raised his rainbow clipboard and pressed it against the iron dragon's nose. "I have the emotional data of your shareholders here! If you dare attack me, I'll delete your CEO's 'Happiness' data and replace it with 'Acute Depression' data!"

The iron dragon suddenly went silent. Its mechanical neck spun with rapid beeping sounds. Its head seemed to be experiencing information overload because of Freza's nonsensical yet technically possible threat.

"LOGICA ACCEPTED. DELETING CEO HAPPINESS IS A HIGH-LEVEL FINANCIAL RISK. ACCESS GRANTED."

The giant crystal gate opened slowly, revealing a vast hall whose walls were made of monitor screens displaying the faces of people all over the world. At the end of the hall sat an old man in golden robes holding a giant set of scales.

"Welcome, Auditor Freza. I am The Assessor," the man in golden robes said in a heavy voice. "You have made it this far. But to take control of Earth, you must prove that your soul has a value equal to the entire debt of this planet."

"Master Freza, don't do it! It's definitely a trap!" Qoriski whispered in fear.

"Relax, Qor. I know how this game is played," Freza walked toward The Assessor. "The value of my soul, huh? What standard do you want to use? Gold standard? Mana standard? Or the 'Work Like a Horse' standard?"

"I will use the 'Ultimate Sacrifice' standard," The Assessor raised his scales. "Place your hand on these scales. If the weight of your soul cannot balance the debts of humanity, then you will vanish and become light particles to illuminate this palace forever."

"Master, no! Let me try! My body is heavier than yours!" Qoriski tried to block Freza.

"I can't, Qor. This is an Auditor's job. Just stay here with Gramps and Citra," Freza gently pushed Qoriski's hand away. "Gramps, if I don't come back, make sure Qoriski gets his severance pay."

"Master Freza! Don't talk like that, dammit! You're making me want to cry!" Qoriski started sobbing.

Freza placed his hand on the cold golden scale pan. Instantly, a blue light emerged from his chest and flowed into the scale. On the other pan, a pile of black coins appeared, representing the debts of humanity; the pile was as high as a mountain, tilting the scales to an extreme degree.

"LOOK, FREZA! THEIR DEBT IS TOO HEAVY! YOUR SOUL IS NOT ENOUGH TO PAY FOR IT!" The Assessor shouted triumphantly.

"Who said I'm only using my own soul?" Freza grinned bloodily. "I am the representative of all humanity! And I just performed a 'Mass Debt Consolidation'! I just gave everyone in this world a power of attorney to donate one percent of their courage into these scales!"

Suddenly, millions of tiny specks of light flew into the crystal palace through the high windows. These lights were the 'Courage' of the people of Jakarta who were beginning to wake up from their robotic influence. The light swarmed around Freza and entered his scale pan.

"WHAT?! YOU ARE CROWDFUNDING SOULS?! THIS IS ILLEGAL!" The Assessor stood up in a panic.

"It's not illegal if I got permission via the ToS on page one that they clicked this morning!" Freza shouted. "Look at the scales now, Old Man!"

Freza's scale pan began to rise rapidly, balancing the pile of black coin debts. A violent tremor shook the crystal palace as equilibrium was reached. The Assessor screamed as his body began to crack and crumble into golden dust.

"It worked! Master Freza is truly insane! He shook down the courage of everyone in Jakarta to pay the debt!" Qoriski laughed heartily while hugging Gramps' broom.

"Go, Freza! The main console is behind that chair!" Citra shouted.

Freza ran toward a round table filled with light buttons. He looked for the brightest one, the button labeled 'RESTORE ALL EMOTIONS.' However, just as his finger was about to press it, a large black shadow emerged from the console and gripped Freza's hand with immense strength.

"YOU... SHALL NOT... DESTROY... OUR... BUSINESS..." The voice came from inside the console, deep and terrifying.

"Let go! I already won at the scales!" Freza struggled, but the black hand began to freeze his arm.

"Master Freza! I'll help!" Qoriski threw his hammer at the black hand, but it passed through the shadow like smoke.

"That is the 'Manifestation of Shareholder Will'! Physical attacks won't work!" Gramps Bailiff shouted in panic. "Freza, you must use the final legal argument! The argument that will make them afraid to touch you!"

Freza endured the pain in his freezing arm. He stared at the black shadow with burning eyes. "You... You want to know my final argument?"

"SPEAK... BEFORE... YOU... DIE..."

"The argument is... I've fired all of you as the owners of this planet!" Freza pressed the 'Restore' button with his forehead because his hands were locked. "Because I... I just bought all your shares using the fake coins I gave to Ms. Tax earlier!"

"WHAT?!"

"Yeah, those fake coins contained an 'Automatic Bankruptcy' virus! Once you accepted those coins into the central system, all your assets were systemically deemed zero! And now... I am the sole owner of the Earth branch of the Andromeda Consortium!"

The sound of a system death alarm blared from all corners of the palace. The black shadow roared in pain and vanished into ash as the light of human emotions exploded from the console. All of Jakarta was suddenly illuminated by a rainbow of emotions returning to their respective owners.

"YEAAAAY! WE WON!" Qoriski shouted while doing a backflip in the middle of the hall.

"Hah... hah... finally..." Freza sat down weakly in front of the console; his arm returned to normal, but he felt utterly exhausted.

"Good job, Freza. You really are the most badass auditor I've ever met," Citra said with a wide smile.

"Gramps, everything is settled now, right?" Freza asked, looking at the old man.

Gramps Bailiff stared at the monitor displaying the people of Jakarta starting to hug and cry with joy. However, his face showed no happiness. Instead, he stared at a small notification appearing in the corner of the screen a pitch-black notification.

"Not yet, Freza. This is only round one," Gramps Bailiff whispered.

"What do you mean, Sir?" Freza turned, a sudden bad feeling washing over him.

"Look at that," Gramps pointed at the screen. "The Andromeda Consortium might be bankrupt here. But they just sold their debts to a far more dangerous party. A party that doesn't care about laws or audits."

"Who?!" Freza, Qoriski, and Citra asked in unison.

The monitor screen suddenly displayed an image of a giant one-eyed entity surrounded by thousands of hands holding scalpels. Below it was written a name that made Freza's skin crawl 'DEPARTMENT OF TOTAL EXISTENCE ERASURE.'

Suddenly, the sound of a knock on the door was heard from the palace gates that had been locked. The knocking was soft, yet very consistent.

Knock... Knock... Knock...

"Excuse me... I'm from the soul collection department," the voice from behind the door sounded very polite, yet very deadly. "I am here to take what you promised in the contract earlier."

Freza gaped. "Which contract?! I never promised any souls!"

"Check the last page of your clipboard, Master," Qoriski whispered, his face pale.

Freza opened the rainbow clipboard with trembling hands. At the very bottom, beneath millions of emotional data points, there was a small handwritten note in red ink that read: 'If this audit is successful, then the lives of the auditor and his staff will be used as administrative fees for the closing of the books.'

"DAMMIT! I GOT TRAPPED AGAIN!" Freza screamed hysterically.

Suddenly, the palace gates shattered into pieces, and in walked a man in a butcher's suit holding a giant axe with the word 'PAID' written on it.

The man walked toward Freza with a very wide smile, revealing his iron teeth. "Time to close the books, Mr. Freza. Don't worry, the process only hurts for a moment, and then..."

The butcher raised his axe high, ready to split the console table along with Freza's body. Qoriski tried to jump in to protect him, but he was blown back by a black aura emanating from the axe.

"Master Freza! Run!" Qoriski screamed.

Just as the axe swung toward Freza's neck and...