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Chapter 3: The Paperclip That Knew Too Much
last update2025-08-11 21:37:31

Chapter 3: The Paperclip That Knew Too Much

Theo had been a certified government hero for a grand total of one day, and he was already questioning all his life choices—past, present, and probable future.

He sat slumped in the Bureau’s break room, staring into a mug of Bureau-issue coffee. Calling it coffee was generous. It tasted like burnt tires and betrayal.

Across the table, Steve was happily eating leftover waffles from yesterday’s “mission.” Brie the briefcase sat propped on a chair like a judgmental dinner guest.

Theo muttered, “I’m quitting. There has to be a quit form. An un-volunteer document. Something.”

Brie said, “There is no quit form.”

Theo groaned. “Of course not. Of course the Department of Unintentional Heroics is like a cursed gym membership.”

Before Brie could respond, the break room door slammed open.

Director Karen stormed in, hair even messier than usual, eyes blazing with the kind of rage you only see in people who’ve read an entire government email chain.

“Crumble! On your feet. You’re up for another assignment.”

Theo froze. “No. I just battled a sentient breakfast. I’m still sticky in places I didn’t know could be sticky.”

Karen tossed a manila folder at him. “This isn’t breakfast. This is stationery.”

Theo blinked. “I’m sorry, what?”

Briefing

Karen leaned in, lowering her voice to an ominous whisper. “The Bureau has lost track of Paperclip X-13. Top secret. Intelligent. Capable of self-replication. If it falls into the wrong hands, it could—”

Theo raised a hand. “Hold on. You’re telling me my mission… is to catch a paperclip?”

Karen slammed her palm on the table. “Not just any paperclip. This one knows everything. It was accidentally attached to a classified document, and now it has access to the names of every magical operative, every safehouse, every stash of cursed cheese in the Bureau’s possession.”

Steve gasped. “Not the cheese vault!”

Karen ignored him. “X-13 escaped during filing hour yesterday. We’ve tracked it to an office building in downtown Muddleford. Your job: retrieve it quietly before it triggers a stationary uprising.”

Theo stared at her. “What happens if it triggers a stationary uprising?”

Brie said matter-of-factly, “Staplers bite.”

Downtown Muddleford

The office building looked normal enough from the outside—glass walls, revolving door, business people rushing in and out.

Inside, however, something was off. The receptionist was sweating nervously. A photocopier in the corner was whirring without paper. And Theo swore he heard the faint metallic clink of something crawling across a desk.

Brie whispered, “Thermal scan shows movement in the third cubicle row, east side.”

Theo, Steve, and Brie made their way past rows of empty desks until they reached a cubicle with a single paperclip sitting on the mousepad.

It looked ordinary—silver, small, completely harmless.

Theo reached for it. “Gotcha—”

The paperclip sprang to life, launched itself at his face, and bounced off his forehead with surprising force.

Steve yelled, “It’s hostile!”

Stationery Revolt

Every desk drawer in the office burst open. Pens rattled. Staplers snapped. Rubber bands launched themselves like tiny whips.

Theo ducked as a three-hole punch tried to take his head off.

“This is insane!” Theo shouted.

“Correction,” Brie said, zipping around to avoid a flying ruler, “this is office warfare.”

The paperclip zipped across the cubicle wall like a spider, leading the charge. Theo chased after it, slipping on loose Post-it notes, while Steve threw a filing cabinet at an aggressive tape dispenser.

They cornered X-13 near the conference room. It was clinging to the edge of the whiteboard, twitching like it was about to leap again.

Theo pulled out the only weapon he could think of: a magnet from the Bureau-issued “Emergency Capture Kit.”

The paperclip hesitated.

“That’s right,” Theo said, advancing slowly. “You don’t want to do this. You’re just… bent out of shape. But we can fix you. No more rogue filing. No more lonely nights in a supply drawer.”

The paperclip twitched one last time… and then zipped straight onto the magnet.

Theo sighed in relief. “Got it.”

Back at the Bureau

Karen inspected the paperclip through a thick pane of enchanted glass. “Well done, Crumble. I suppose you might actually be useful.”

Theo collapsed into a chair. “Great. Can I have the rest of the day off?”

“No. You’ve been assigned to the Night Division for the next case.”

Theo froze. “Night Division?”

Steve whispered, “That’s where they send you to deal with vampires, ghosts, and… The Fax Machine.”

Theo’s face went pale. “The what?”

Karen smirked. “You’ll find out. Be at the garage at midnight.”

End of Chapter 3

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