Chapter 1: Form B-27C (And Other Ways to Ruin Your Life)Theo Crumble had one goal that morning: renew his government-issued ID before lunchtime.It was a modest, reasonable goal. Nothing heroic. Nothing dangerous. Just a simple visit to the Bureau of Magical Affairs and Civic Paperwork—a crusty, gray building that smelled like burnt toast and disappointment.He had even dressed for efficiency: hoodie, sweatpants, flip-flops. A power combo that screamed, “Please don’t talk to me; I’m here to survive, not thrive.”The queue inside the Bureau was already a tragedy. Lines coiled through the building like a dragon with indigestion. The air conditioning wheezed like it was giving its final breath. A sign on the wall read:"Take a Number. Take a Breath. Accept Your Fate."Theo sighed and grabbed ticket #404, which he took as a bad omen.He spent the next three hours flipping through outdated magazines and dodging the gaze of a wizard who was trying to turn the water cooler into a girlfriend

Chapter 3: The Paperclip That Knew Too MuchTheo had been a certified government hero for a grand total of one day, and he was already questioning all his life choices—past, present, and probable future.He sat slumped in the Bureau’s break room, staring into a mug of Bureau-issue coffee. Calling it coffee was generous. It tasted like burnt tires and betrayal.Across the table, Steve was happily eating leftover waffles from yesterday’s “mission.” Brie the briefcase sat propped on a chair like a judgmental dinner guest.Theo muttered, “I’m quitting. There has to be a quit form. An un-volunteer document. Something.”Brie said, “There is no quit form.”Theo groaned. “Of course not. Of course the Department of Unintentional Heroics is like a cursed gym membership.”Before Brie could respond, the break room door slammed open.Director Karen stormed in, hair even messier than usual, eyes blazing with the kind of rage you only see in people who’ve read an entire government email chain.“Crum

Chapter 5: Haunt and InspireTheo had hoped, foolishly, that “ghost that thinks it’s a motivational speaker” would be some kind of easy, harmless gig.He was wrong.Very, very wrong.The haunting was in Cubicle Annex 12—a grim, forgotten corner of Bureau HQ where old files and failed employees went to gather dust. The ghost had moved in two weeks ago, and since then, productivity had dropped by 43%.“That’s because,” Vespera explained as they walked in, “no one can get any work done when there’s a disembodied voice yelling, ‘YOU ARE CAPABLE OF GREATNESS!’ at them every three minutes.”Theo shrugged. “Doesn’t sound that bad. I mean, I could use a little pep talk.”Vespera smirked. “You’ll see.”First ContactThey stepped into Annex 12 and immediately heard it:“GOOD MORNING, CHAMPIONS OF DESTINY! WHO’S READY TO BE THE BEST VERSION OF THEMSELVES?”Papers flew off desks. Staplers rattled. An intern in the corner quietly wept into their coffee.A shimmering figure appeared above the filin

Chapter 7 – The Great Magical Dumpster DiveThe Department had been quiet for exactly twenty minutes—long enough for Theo to get suspicious.In a place where the wallpaper sometimes sighed and the printer occasionally summoned demons, silence was rarely a good sign.Theo was halfway through filling out Form E-19 (“Declaration of Magical Residue Exposure”) when his desk phone crackled to life.It was Steve. And Steve sounded… excited. That was the worst possible emotion for Steve to have.“Crumble, get to the loading bay. We’ve got a situation. Bring gloves.”Theo reluctantly left his paperwork (and the safety of his cubicle) and found the loading bay in chaos. The giant rolling door was open, and outside sat the largest dumpster he’d ever seen. It was glowing faintly green and making a noise like a whale gargling.Standing in front of it was Steve, Brie the talking briefcase, and… a man in a full hazmat suit with very sparkly boots.“Let me guess,” Theo said. “You ordered lunch and th

Chapter 9 – The Dungeon of Discontinued FurnitureThe sun hadn’t even had time to yawn yet when Captain Voss dropped a mission folder on Theo’s breakfast tray with the weight of doom.It was a thick, battered folder labelled in angry red marker:“DO NOT ENTER – Seriously, Stop. – Facilities Maintenance”Theo, half-asleep and halfway through a suspiciously grey bowl of porridge, blinked at it.“Is this… a warning or an invitation?”“It’s your assignment,” Voss replied, her voice like a steel guillotine wrapped in sarcasm. “There’s been a containment breach in the Sub-Basement 7 Storage Vault. Your team is to go down there, retrieve the artifact, and avoid dying in a way that will make paperwork difficult.”“Containment breach of what?” Brie asked, peering over Theo’s shoulder.Voss tapped the folder. “The Dungeon of Discontinued Furniture.”The DescentThe elevator groaned as it carried Theo, Brie, Steve, and Agent Marnie down into the bowels of the Department. The air grew colder, the