Enjoying One's Youth

For the first time in a while, I wasn’t greeted by the usual stale bread and milk. There are still plenty left from the leftovers from last night. Fortunately, we have a small fridge to prolong them long enough to save them for another meal.

“Morning, Mom.”

It seems like my mother doesn't have any work today since she’s preparing breakfast. She usually leaves for work around this time and returns home at 12 AM to rest for the day. I’m glad she could get some rest before another unforgiving day of work.

“You’re up early.”

“This is usually the time I wake up. Where’s dad?”

Mother handed me a plate of rice and a reheated bowl of soup yesterday. I only noticed it just now and it seems like it’s raining. What a perfect meal on a cold and rainy day! I hurriedly sat on the table not wanting to let the soup go cold and started eating immediately.

“Your father is out today. It seems like there’s been a problem from the recent irregularity break and their work is put on hold indefinitely. A lot of establishments were caught up in trying to contain the monsters, so in the meantime he is looking for work.” Mom said, joining me on the table.

I thought the irregularity break was easily taken care of. Mr. Kim was right after all. But why did the government not announce an evacuation if some establishments were caught up in the battle? Something’s not right.

While distracted by my thoughts, I just realized that mother wasn’t eating. She was just staring at me with a warm smile on her face as if she was admiring something.

“Is there something on my face?” 

I asked and she immediately shook her head.

“Nothing. I’m just amazed and sad at the same time. For you, our son, who is aiming for college, bring food, even if it's just leftovers, for us to eat when you are so busy with your studies. I feel ashamed. It made me think ‘Why am I so undeserving of such child?’”

My heart sank the moment I heard those words come out of my mother’s mouth. It's not like they are entirely to blame for our situation. The people with power are the ones who are guilty of our shitty life. If only my father still had his ability, we wouldn’t be living like dogs.

“Not at all, Mom. I’m just trying my best to contribute for the family even just for a tiny bit to at least take a bit of weight off your shoulders. If only my ability is something useful, we could have at least upgrade our life.”

Mother didn’t respond. She just looked at me in silence. But that silence was sharp enough to cut deep into my heart, it hurts. I know deep down, they blame themselves for what we are now. I know that, but I can’t find the right words to say without sounding idiotic so I refrain from saying such things and sucked it up like I always do.

“About the leftovers, just think of it as my way of cooking. Since you and Dad always come home tired, you wouldn’t have time to cook, right? My shift always ends at 8 PM, just in time for our dinner so it's all good. There is no need to think deeply about it.” 

I told her and she just nodded her head like she understood, but I know, she’s just going along with what I’m saying to hide her pain. Ah-ha, I feel sick to my stomach. Living in poverty is a sin. Being poor is a sin.

I went to school and as usual, I met with Ivan who was carelessly walking through the lightshower without any cover. If he does this, he will surely catch a cold.

“Aiyo, Ren. What a lovely day we have today, huh?”

Lovely day, my ass. My day started off like a train-wreck, I can’t possibly agree with you on your remark.

“Yeah, what a ‘lovely’ day indeed. Ivan, are you deliberately planning to catch a cold?”

He immediately gave me the ‘How did you know?’ It looked like it wasn’t obvious. His intention of going to school is as muddy as a puddle and he expects me not to see right through his plans, what a funny guy.

“How did you know?”

And there it is.

“This is stupid. I don’t even want to talk about it,” I told him.

“What?! Come on! How did you know? Wait, is your power perhaps ‘reading people’s minds’?”

I’m speechless. Is he acting like an idiot on purpose?

“You’re so simple that it doesn’t take too much brain power to figure out what you’re thinking.”

He looked like a dude who got out of the restroom after an hour-long battle against diarrhea. I can’t even study at this point. Not only that my mind's been a mess ever since I left home, my notes would get wet if I were to read my notes under this lightshower.

“Hey, Ren. You’re unusually merciless today. Did something happen back at home?”

The tone of his voice changed. He turns in unnecessary moments like this all the time.

“Haaah. My Mom and I talked and I remembered how our lives turned to this. The usual stuff that I don’t want to recall.”

Ivan can sometimes act stupid and idiotic, but there are also times when he controls himself. And this is a good example for that. Although I appreciate him acting like an idiot to have a laugh and forget my problems, there are times that he stops being funny altogether.

“That’s just how life is, Ren. We’re just powerless kids in this money and power-driven world. My father always told me to enjoy my youth while it lasts, saying that the world of adults is ruthless and cold. That’s why I’m doing my best to enjoy my life no matter what the situation is even if I look stupid in the eyes of other people. You should enjoy your youth too.”

Wow, I did not expect to hear such words from him and with a serious face at that. Well, things come and go unexpectedly. This is just one moment like that in my life.

“You’re right. I do need to enjoy my youth. But the thing is, we have our own preferences and ways of enjoying ourselves, right? To you it’s doing what you think is fun, and as for me, that would be studying. So to get back at you, I do enjoy my youth too.”

Our little serious discussion ended there. I know Ivan still has so much more to say, but because the bell had already rang, we separated ways and went on to our respective classrooms. It was a cold morning but I’m fortunate enough to have a friend that would share warm words like that.

Lunch soon arrived and I found myself in a bit of pickle as soon as I entered the cafeteria. It’s finally my turn to buy lunch after lining up for 15 minutes. But all the cheap stuff has already been swept away, leaving only the expensive ones left. What’s worse is that Ivan went to the restroom and brought my purse along with him.

“Hey, you’re holding up the line. If you aren’t buying, can you move?”

“Come on man, we only have an hour for lunch and I ain’t spending most of it waiting in line.”

Ah, this is just the worst. In this kind of situation, there is only one single solution and that is to move out of line. I can just go back in line when Ivan comes back.

“Sorry for holding the line. I’ll just come back later.” I said, and walked away.

“Yeah, right. Like there’d be anything left.”

“You should start filling yourself with air since there would be nothing left.”

Could this day get any worse? I’m glad that this didn’t happen when I ate stale bread and a glass of milk yesterday but this morning’s breakfast can only do so much. Instead of thinking about such things, I might as well use this opportunity to study. With that, I grabbed my notes and began studying.

When I start studying, I tend to lose sense of what’s happening around me. Especially when what I want to learn is a bit challenging, I almost lose track of time and I won’t realize it unless someone or something deliberately stimulates me.

And this time, I’m brought back to my senses when I felt something soft bump my head and the rustling sound of plastic wrapper reached my ears. I turn around and saw Herta standing behind me, holding out a whole sandwich on her hand.

“I tried catching your attention by calling out to you but that failed so I realized I need to make contact, and you finally did.” She said, still holding the sandwich to my direction.

I shift my gaze from the sandwich and to her trying to figure out what’s happening. But since my head is still in the clouds of challenging equations, I gave up on thinking and asked her instead.

“What’s this? Ah- no. I mean, I can see that it’s a sandwich but aren’t you eating it?”

She gave me a surprised look and then flashed a smile as if telling me ‘Wow! You gave me an answer before I could even ask you!’ kind of face.

“I’m giving you this because of two things. First, I’m full now and I don’t want my stomach to get overcapacity. Second, I don’t think there is anything left in the cafeteria for you to buy. When I got here, everything was smoked to the last crumbs.” 

They weren’t kidding at all when they said those words earlier, huh? Savage beasts. It wouldn’t kill to leave at least one that Ivan and I could pinch in and share. No, this is not the time to think about that. There is a more pressing matter that needs to be addressed.

‘Should I accept it or not?’

Refusing to accept what’s given to you is disrespectful, I know that much. But I don’t want to be a burden to her because of that. What if she gets hungry in the middle of class and has nothing to eat because she gave it to me? I would be troubled if her whole class makes fun of her stomach’s growling noises throughout their classes.

What should I do?

“Aren’t you going to take it?” she asked. “You don’t want it?”

“Uhm, I don’t know how to say this….but you might get hungry later and I don't want you to go through the trouble of finding something to eat just because you gave your lunch to me.”

Almost instantly, the smile on her face disappeared and she burst out in laughter the second I stared at her in a daze.

“Pfft! Haha! That’s kind of hilarious. Did you already think that far? That’s impressive, Ren! But seriously, aren’t you going to take it? My arms are becoming sore from holding it for too long.”

In the end, all those thoughts did not matter and I took it from her hand. I was lucky enough that she gave me something to eat because of the circumstances she told me about, but why do I feel bad about this?

“Thanks, Herta. I’ll treat you next time.”

“You better. Well, see you later, Ren.”

Ivan arrived a little while later, saying that he had a stomach ache. I wanted to scold him, but I refrained from doing so. I can’t add anymore to his troubles.

“I’m very sorry, Ren. You didn’t get to eat lunch because I brought your purse with me.”

“I got something from a friend, so I’m fine. I’m more worried about you. Are you going to be fine? You didn’t get to eat anything. And considering how energetic you are, you’re bound to be hungry sooner or later.” I told him.

This guy is just hopeless.

Thank goodness I didn’t eat all of the sandwich that Herta gave me and handed it to him.

“It’s not much but at least it’ll put something in your system.”

Ivan looked at me with teary eyes and embraced me tightly. This is not time to be touched, I just don’t want you to go hungry and it’s almost time for class already. Well, since it’s a sandwich, you can eat it while you walk back to class, right?

“Let’s go back. It’s almost time for class. Finish that first before going back.”

“Thanks again, Ren. I’ll make it up to you for sure!”

Instead of saying that, try to be mindful and take care of yourself. I waved my hand and walked back to class.

The rest of my day continued as usual. I met Herta in our little haven and then went to my part-time job. Just by looking outside, I could feel like it would also be a rough day, and it did. I’m beat but none of that matters since I get to bring home lots of leftovers just like yesterday, this much is worth all that effort.

“Looks like the clearing took a while. Well, anything is a mess when an irregularity break happens. It’s good for Mr. Kim’s business so I should be grateful.” 

I said to myself as I was walking back home. Just when I’m about to reach our house, I saw someone familiar in the corner of my eyes. My eyes have already gotten used to the dark ambience around me and I immediately recognize the person I just saw.

“Hey, Ivan-”

Instead of calling out to him, I stopped. It seems like Ivan is talking to someone he knows and it's time to go home. I’ll just talk to him tomorrow. I turned around and went straight to our house. Ivan is just trying to enjoy his youth just as I am. Yes, that’s how it is. But why do I feel uneasy?

Looking back when I saw Ivan just now, I can’t find any trace of his usual smile on his face. I rushed to our nearest window to find Ivan but he’s already gone.

“Hey, Ivan. Is that also a face you make when you enjoy your youth?”