Terms And conditions Apply : Invoicing The Apocalypse

Doomsday Balance Sheet Audit

The Jakarta sky, usually a pollution-gray, suddenly turned blood red. Giant cracks appeared in the atmosphere, tearing through the clouds like silk fabric being forcibly pulled apart. In the middle of a total traffic jam in the Sudirman area, thousands of neon blue hologram screens appeared simultaneously before every human being. A cold, emotionless mechanical voice boomed across the world.

"Crazy! What is this? Whose computer screen broke into the sky?"

"Don't joke around, idiot! It says 'Invasion Warning.' Look, people are screaming!"

"Hey, I swear, is this really like those manhwa comics? There's a status window! I got the Warrior class, damn!"

Freza remained sitting calmly inside his traffic-trapped taxi. His eyes didn't stray from his phone screen, though his hand occasionally swiped the blue hologram screen floating in front of his nose. He ignored the hysterical screams of the taxi driver beside him, who had begun to tremble.

"Sir! Mr. Freza! There's a green monster coming out of a black hole out there! We have to run, sir! You're just spacing out!"

"Sir, just focus on the steering wheel. If you go out now, your life insurance might not necessarily cover a force majeure event like this."

"What insurance? That person was just beheaded, sir! Look!"

"I see it, sir. That's why I'm reading this."

"Reading what? Quick, pick a weapon! There are choices for a sword, a magic staff, or a bow! I'm taking the sword!"

Freza took a long breath. His fingers performed a fast scrolling motion in the bottom right corner of the hologram screen, which was almost invisible to others. Written there in very small letters: Terms & Conditions of Service (v.819.0) Click to read more (84,500 pages).

"Don't just click 'Agree,' sir. That is the fatal mistake everyone in this world is making."

"There's no time to read this stuff, sir! We're going to die!"

"Precisely because we're going to die, we must read the contract. Sir, do you realize? In point 1.4 of the licensing sub-section, they mention that this planet is categorized as 'Uninhabited Commercial Development Land.' This is public deception on a galactic scale."

"Mr. Freza, I don't understand what you're saying! That monster is coming here!"

A Goblin Lord, two meters tall, smashed the hood of their taxi. Metal crushed instantly. The taxi driver screamed at the top of his lungs, his hands shaking violently as he tried to open the jammed door. The monster raised a giant axe, ready to split the vehicle in two.

"HEY! STOP!"

Freza's shout was so loud and full of authority that the Goblin Lord was momentarily stunned. The monster frowned, staring at the human before him with a bloodthirsty gaze.

"Why do you shout, weak human? Choose your weapon or become my meal!"

"One, I am not a weak human. Two, I am an auditor. And three, you have just committed a violation of standard operating procedures."

"What did you say? What procedures?"

"Based on the Terms of Service document I just finished on page twelve thousand, every entity sent as a 'Tutorial Boss' is required to include official identification and a mission order from the Area Administrator. Where is your mission order?"

"Mission order? I am a Goblin Lord! I was sent by the System to slaughter you all!"

"Well, that's the problem. In Article 8, paragraph 4 regarding 'Occupational Safety Regulations in Class C Residential Zones,' it is stated that an invasion can only be carried out if there is a Dimensional Environmental Impact Analysis Document. Do you have that? If not, you are illegal. You entered here without a work visa."

The goblin gaped. He lowered his axe slightly, looking confused by the string of technical words coming out of Freza's mouth. In the background, people who were running began to stop for a moment, watching the absurd debate between a man in a neat shirt and a giant green monster.

"Sir, don't look for death! Since when do monsters use environmental impact studies!" whispered the taxi driver while crawling out of the left door.

"Be quiet for a moment, sir. I'm negotiating our civil rights," Freza cut him off sharply. He looked at the blue screen in front of him again. "System, I wish to file a formal objection to Article 22 regarding the 'Right to Population Extermination.' I detect bureaucratic malpractice here."

[System Screen blinks red]

[Warning: User 'Freza' is attempting to access a complaint channel that has been inactive for 4,000 years.]

"Just open the channel. I know you have a Customer Support department. Don't tell me you've also cut the budget for the grievance service?"

Suddenly, the air around Freza vibrated. A small gray hole appeared in the asphalt, and a small creature that looked extremely exhausted emerged from it. The creature wore a crumpled white dress shirt, a crooked tie, and carried a giant gavel that seemed too heavy for its body. Above its head, the name was written: QO-R15-KI.

"Oh, man... who is complaining during my lunch break? Can't a single day go by without someone reading the ToS?"

"Are you the official? I'm Freza. I want to report this invasion as an illegal act."

"Oh, sir... Mr. Freza, right? My name is Qoriski. I'm just the lowest-level Customer Support agent. Please, sir, just click 'Agree' like the billions of others. I've been working overtime for three days because the apocalypse on the neighboring planet isn't finished yet."

"I can't, Qoriski. This is a matter of principle. It says here that the System guarantees a 'Fair Survival Experience.' But look at this, my friends get the Warrior class but aren't given initial health insurance. And this Goblin... he's not wearing a hard hat even though he's in a doomsday construction area. This is an OSH violation."

Qoriski massaged his temples. He turned toward the Goblin Lord who was still holding the axe.

"Hey, Idiot! Why aren't you wearing standard gear?!" Qoriski shouted at the monster.

"How should I know! I was just told to kill people by the Admin!" the Goblin replied, his voice sounding defensive.

"See, Mr. Freza. The system is just a bit buggy because of so many simultaneous requests. Please, just understand. I'll give you a free item later, do you want a fire sword or something?"

"I don't need a fire sword. I need transparency in the point balance sheet. Why is the administrative f*e for leveling up deducted by fifteen percent at the start? That is systemic usury. I demand a re-audit right now."

"Sir, I swear, if I follow your wishes, I could be fired by the central Admin! I'm just a laborer, sir! My salary was even docked Mana points because I was late earlier!"

Freza narrowed his eyes. He looked at Qoriski with the sharp gaze of a senior auditor who had found fraud in a multinational company's financial report.

"Wait. You said your salary was docked? How many hours a day do you work?"

"Twenty-four hours, sir. Sometimes twenty-six when there's a Bloodmoon event like this. No holidays, no maternity leave, no insurance."

"Wow, this is worse than I thought. Qoriski, do you know that you are a victim of interdimensional labor exploitation? According to the Galactic Labor Convention I read in the supplementary appendix on page seventy thousand, you are entitled to triple overtime pay."

Qoriski fell silent. His large eyes began to tear up. "Really, sir? Triple? All this time I've only been given meal vouchers for the hell canteen."

"Serious. Here, let me help. We'll sue this System back. You be my key witness, and in exchange, I'll make sure you get a severance package enough to retire in any dimension you want."

"But... but what if the Admin gets angry? He could erase my existence!"

"Relax. As long as this lawsuit is ongoing, your status is Whistleblower. Under System law, they can't touch you until the trial is over. It's in the Witness Protection Protocol, sub-section Stressed Employee Protection."

The Goblin Lord, who had originally wanted to kill them, was now squatting beside the car, listening to the conversation with great interest.

"Hey, Mr. Human, what about me... what do I get if I join you? I'm actually tired of being a monster too. My lower back aches every time I have to carry this heavy axe."

"You? You fall under the category of misused tools of production. We'll calculate the material losses later."

Qoriski took a deep breath, then suddenly he slammed his giant gavel onto the asphalt so hard that the ground shook violently.

"Okay, Mr. Freza! I'm tired of being a model employee but poor! Let's do this! What's the first step?"

Freza smiled thinly. He pulled a pen from his shirt pocket and began writing something in the air, which immediately turned into a golden hologram document.

"The first step? We create a temporary asset seizure warrant for this Sudirman area. Goblin, you guard the entrance. Any monster that comes, tell them this area is under 'Legal Dispute' status. If they dare enter, the fine per second is ten percent of their total HP."

"Ready, Boss!" the Goblin shouted, standing tall in a salute.

"Qoriski, you open access to the central server logs. I want to see who is making the biggest profit from human deaths on Earth today. We will seize all their coins for moral damages."

"But Mr. Freza... look up! The main Admin is starting to realize something is wrong on the Jakarta server!"

The sky above them began to turn a deeper red. A giant, featureless face began to form from a collection of black clouds. A voice heavier than thunder shook the skyscrapers around them.

"WHO DARES TO INTERFERE WITH THE PROGRESS OF THE TUTORIAL? USER NUMBER 001-FREZA, CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON IMMEDIATELY OR I WILL DELETE YOU FROM THE DATABASE!"

Freza was not intimidated at all. Instead, he straightened his tie and held the golden document he had just created high toward the giant face in the sky.

"Sorry, Admin. Based on the Multiverse Consumer Protection Act, I have the right to refuse service if said service endangers life without a notarized liability waiver clause! I have already sent this lawsuit to the Universal Constitutional Court server. During the verification process, my account and all assets within this ten-kilometer radius are under an Injunction meaning you cannot touch them!"

The face in the sky seemed stunned. The thunder that had been booming suddenly turned into a confused hissing sound. At the same time, Qoriski began swinging his gavel with burning spirit, his aura changing from a gloomy gray to a brilliant gold.

"Hey, you damn Admin! Here, take my resignation letter along with a demand for twelve billion Mana points in severance! If it's not paid now, I'll destroy your server gateway!"

"Qoriski, don't just threaten. Execute the late fees right now."

"Ready, Boss Freza! Executing!"

Qoriski leaped into the air, but instead of attacking monsters, he slammed his gavel toward the "Main Quest" hologram screen floating in the sky. The screen cracked, shattering into pieces of messy digital code.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! YOU ARE RUINING THIS GAME!" the voice from the sky screamed in a panicked tone.

"We aren't ruining the game," Freza replied while walking casually toward an empty cafe, then picking up a still-warm cup of coffee from a table. "We are just conducting a forced internal audit. And according to my initial calculations..."

Freza paused for a moment, sipped his coffee, then stared sharply at the sky, which was beginning to crack due to the system anomaly he had created.

"You owe this planet approximately four hundred trillion Gold Coins just for the first hour's land rental f*e. And I am here to collect. Until it's paid in full."

Suddenly, an emergency alarm sounded from every system screen in the world. The blue text changed to a flashing bright red:

[ERROR: SYSTEM BREACH DETECTED]

[CRITICAL LEGAL EXPLOIT FOUND]

[ADMINISTRATOR PRIVILEGES UNDER REVIEW]

[COMMENCING EMERGENCY SHUTDOWN...]

However, before the shutdown process could finish, Freza pressed a virtual button in front of him with a cold smirk.

"It's not that easy. If the system shuts down now, that's called destruction of evidence. Qoriski, lock the server doors. We haven't finished calculating the breath tax for these monsters."

In the distance, explosions of white light began to swallow the tall buildings, but in the area where Freza stood, time seemed to stop within an absolute legal bubble. However, in the corner of the cafe's shadows, a black-robed entity with glowing red eyes began to emerge, carrying a file much thicker than Freza's.

"You think you're the only one who knows how to play by the rules, Auditor?" the voice whispered softly, making the hair on Freza's neck stand up for the first time.

Suddenly, the floor beneath Freza's feet cracked, not because of a physical attack, but because of a...