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Chapter 6: Monsters, Mandates, and Misfiled Paperwork
last update2025-08-13 18:27:42

Chapter 6 – Monsters, Mandates, and Misfiled Paperwork

Theo had always suspected the world was being run by incompetent lunatics, but until he joined the Department of Unintentional Heroics, he hadn’t realized the lunatics were also responsible for preventing the end of all existence.

And, apparently, they did most of their work on Tuesdays.

“Okay, new guy,” Steve the vampire said, shoving a crate into Theo’s arms without warning. “We’re on pest control duty today.”

Theo blinked. “Pest control? I thought we were monster hunters.”

“Same thing,” Brie the goblin intern chirped, scrolling furiously through something on her phone. “Only the ‘pests’ are twelve-foot sewer hydras and they definitely don’t respond to bug spray.”

Theo looked down at the crate. “What’s in here?”

“Three gallons of holy water, a roll of duct tape, and a lemon,” Steve said casually, tightening his trench coat.

Theo frowned. “Why the lemon?”

Steve shrugged. “Tradition.”

They arrived at the job site—a manhole in the middle of Maple and 5th—only to find it surrounded by orange construction cones and a very stressed traffic cop.

“You the exterminators?” the cop asked, clearly not paid enough to care.

“We prefer ‘apocalypse mitigation specialists,’” Steve said, striding forward with an air of false confidence.

Theo opened his mouth to clarify that no, they were not professionals in any sense, but Steve was already prying open the manhole cover.

A smell hit Theo so hard it felt like it punched his soul.

“Oh God,” Theo gagged. “Is it… dead?”

“Nope,” Brie said cheerfully, snapping on rubber gloves. “That’s the smell of alive.”

The hydra was not in a good mood.

For one thing, sewer water does not do wonders for scales. For another, it had apparently been living off expired curry takeout, and the resulting breath could probably be classified as chemical warfare.

“Standard procedure,” Steve said, tossing Theo a super-soaker full of holy water.

Theo caught it clumsily. “What’s the plan?”

Steve grinned, baring fangs. “Don’t die.”

Three heads rose from the muck, each snapping their teeth in stereo.

Theo screamed. The hydra screamed. Brie, inexplicably, yelled “Go long!” and hurled the lemon like she was in the Super Bowl.

It smacked one hydra head right in the snout.

The creature froze, blinked, then hissed in outrage.

Theo didn’t have time to question the lemon’s purpose—Steve had already launched himself forward, trench coat flaring dramatically, while Brie pelted the thing with packets of instant ramen.

“Why are you—?” Theo started.

“Distraction!” Brie shouted. “Also, this flavor is gross.”

After several minutes of splashing, slipping, and at least two incidents that would require tetanus shots, the hydra retreated back into the sewer with a final offended hiss.

Theo collapsed against the curb, drenched in a cocktail of holy water and things he didn’t want to think about.

“Good work, rookie,” Steve said, patting him on the shoulder. “You only screamed, what, four times?”

“Six,” Brie corrected, consulting her phone. “But the important thing is, we survived.”

Theo groaned. “This is what passes for a normal Tuesday?”

Steve grinned. “Oh, no. This was the easy part. Now we’ve gotta fill out the incident report.”

Theo’s eyes widened in horror. “You mean paperwork?”

Steve’s grin widened. “Oh, hours of it.”

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