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Chapter 7: The Great Magical Dumpster Dive
last update2025-08-13 18:32:24

Chapter 7 – The Great Magical Dumpster Dive

The Department had been quiet for exactly twenty minutes—long enough for Theo to get suspicious.

In a place where the wallpaper sometimes sighed and the printer occasionally summoned demons, silence was rarely a good sign.

Theo was halfway through filling out Form E-19 (“Declaration of Magical Residue Exposure”) when his desk phone crackled to life.

It was Steve. And Steve sounded… excited. That was the worst possible emotion for Steve to have.

“Crumble, get to the loading bay. We’ve got a situation. Bring gloves.”

Theo reluctantly left his paperwork (and the safety of his cubicle) and found the loading bay in chaos. The giant rolling door was open, and outside sat the largest dumpster he’d ever seen. It was glowing faintly green and making a noise like a whale gargling.

Standing in front of it was Steve, Brie the talking briefcase, and… a man in a full hazmat suit with very sparkly boots.

“Let me guess,” Theo said. “You ordered lunch and they sent us a dumpster instead?”

“Worse,” Steve said cheerfully. “We intercepted an illegal shipment of magical contraband. But, uh… someone mixed it up with a regular garbage pickup.”

Brie clicked her clasps irritably.

“Translation: our evidence is somewhere in that enormous pile of radioactive banana peels and cursed action figures.”

The hazmat-suited man waved.

“Hi, I’m Jeff. I’ll be your Magical Waste Safety Officer today. First rule: don’t lick anything.”

Theo stared at the dumpster. It hummed ominously. Something inside shifted, making a wet squelch sound.

“…Do I even want to know what’s in there?”

Jeff consulted a clipboard.

“According to the manifest: one cursed porcelain doll, a crate of illegal love potions, half a phoenix egg, and an experimental self-aware pudding.”

Theo blinked. “…The pudding’s alive?”

“Alive and angry,” Jeff said grimly.

The Dive

Five minutes later, Theo found himself wearing elbow-length gloves, standing on the rim of the dumpster while Steve held a flashlight.

“We’re just supposed to find the contraband, right? Not, you know, die horribly?”

Steve grinned. “Exactly! And remember: if the pudding talks to you, don’t answer. That’s how it gets in your head.”

Theo sighed and jumped in.

The smell hit him first. Imagine every school cafeteria trash can from the last fifty years compressed into one dense, smelly singularity.

The second thing he noticed was movement. Something—many somethings—were crawling under the surface.

A soggy sandwich brushed his leg.

“Why am I in here,” Theo muttered. “I’m not even technically a hero, I’m just a—OH SWEET MOTHER OF—”

A tentacle shot out of the trash, wrapped around his ankle, and tried to pull him deeper. Theo yanked himself free, grabbing the nearest weapon—a broken umbrella—and started swatting.

Brie’s voice floated from above.

“Careful! That’s probably the pudding!”

Theo looked down. The tentacle belonged to… a shimmering, gelatinous blob, about the size of a Labrador, quivering with menace.

“Hello,” it burbled. “Would you like to know your deepest desires?”

“NO,” Theo shouted, jabbing it with the umbrella. The blob let out a hurt “blorp” and slithered away.

The Doll

After ten more minutes of wading through magical refuse (including a brief encounter with a sentient cheese wheel), Theo finally spotted the cursed porcelain doll.

It was sitting on top of a pile of broken toasters, staring directly at him.

“Hi,” the doll said sweetly. “Want to play forever?”

Theo groaned. “Nope. Seen that movie. Not falling for it.”

He stuffed the doll into a lead-lined evidence bag while it sang something haunting and off-key.

The Exit

By the time Theo clambered out of the dumpster, he was covered in unidentifiable goop and smelled like regret. Steve patted him on the shoulder.

“Great work! You only got partially cursed this time.”

Theo glared. “I’m taking a shower. And then I’m never eating pudding again.”

From inside the evidence bag, the doll giggled.

End of Chapter 7

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