Survival Shenanigans With Elf Mistress

Chapter 3 Caveman

Waking up felt like a hangover from hell. No, to be fair, it was much better than Earth mornings. Even though the post-sleep body screamed for food and water as soon as I got up, the tiredness of the previous day was drastically diminished.

The only problem was a stiff boner that refused to go away. I had a very wet dream about a busty, curvy elf last night.

The erection faltered only after I saw the morning scenery. The mini-suns were up, painting the sky in those trippy I*******m colors again. "When will this low-budget Coachella fever dream end, huh?" I wondered aloud.

I shook my head, partially expecting my vision to refresh to my Jacksonville apartment ceiling. Nope, still in fantasy land. "Fuck me sideways," I grumbled.

Not that I was complaining. The isekai world hadn't been explored yet, but loneliness had already crept in. At least, on Monday mornings, I could have toxic exchanges with Karens and Kevins. Here, there was not a soul in sight.

I had a faint memory of the night's dream. A voluptuous elf girl in dark clothing had climbed onto my chest and was trying to do something to me. Strangle me? Ride me? I couldn't remember.

It wasn't traumatizing at all because right now I really craved female touch, especially after the wet dream. It was so vivid.

Like, seriously, when was the last time I got laid? Two years back? I couldn't even remember what copping a supple breast or groping a tight ass cheek felt like.

My previous breakup occurred because we didn't share the same political party affiliation. Sounds pathetic, right? Like, who dumps someone over politics when you could bone instead? "Stop spiraling, Akira," I told myself. "She isn't coming back. Especially now that you are in a different world."

"Day two of this bullshit," I muttered, checking my phone in vain. The battery was at 62%, and there was still no signal. I switched it off. Perhaps the flashlight could be helpful in an emergency, like signaling aliens or some shit.

I dismantled my makeshift gear, salvaging the branches for later. A couple of those Starburst berries fixed my hunger pangs and gave me renewed energy. I had also fashioned a leaf container for the stream water. It was pretty cool. Was I reincarnated as a budget Bear Grylls?

"Okay, Akira, it's exploration time," I told myself, channeling my inner w******l reader and CIVILIZATION VII gamer. While heading downhill towards those distant ruins I had spotted yesterday, it was time to look for loot or clues.

The path wound through more squat trees that did not glow in the morning at all. However, the vines twitched like they were alive. They were freaky, like tentacles from a bad hentai anime. Why was I making the connection? Was I too horny?

Time to move on. It might be helpful to research plant species, but I kept moving, gathering sticks and rocks along the way, feeling like a caveman. An upgraded shelter was needed before night fell.

Luckily, I snagged a sharp flint from the ground, and boom, upgraded the rock knife. It felt like evolving from the Stone Age in the Age of Empires. As I climbed down, the descent got steeper, with the hills rolling into a valley with crystal spikes.

I spotted a cave. It looked ancient and inviting. Its mouth yawned wide, and an eerie sound whistled out of it. Ah, how quaint. It was like an inviting glory hole in the washroom of a sketchy bar. Too difficult to resist.

"Why not," I said, shrugging nonchalantly. It was possible to find precious ores or perhaps a shelter upgrade. In the worst-case scenario, one could get mouth-raped by bats. I gathered some courage and ducked inside.

My eyes adjusted to the dim glow from weird fungi on the walls. The air was cool, musty, with a faint echo of water dripping in the background. It kinda felt like the drops were inducing sleep. My body was already seeking rest from the trekking and could do with some relaxation.

I pushed deeper, with my knife ready. Who knew what creatures lived inside? No, it was obviously abandoned, just like the forest.

Crunch! Suddenly, I felt bones underfoot. "What the—?"

Before I could backpedal, skeletal figures peeked out, crying like wraiths. They spotted me and lurched towards me from the shadows. These weren't Halloween props, but animated, rattling bones with rusty scraps for weapons. Their eyes glowed dull red like cheap LED ghost masks.

"Holy shit!" I yelped, my heart hammering like a rabbit's on crack. One of the skeletons swung a bony arm at me. I dodged, instinctively slashing with my rock knife. Rattle! The creature shattered into a pile of bones. Yes! It felt like popping a pimple, very satisfying but gross.

My celebration was short-lived. The skeleton's undead colleagues lunged at me with increased agility. They overpowered me, pinning me down on the rock floor.

Their clacking jaws cackled at my face, shedding what was probably bone dust—dandruff from hell. I had already dropped my knife and was helpless.

Then the torture began. The skeletons began stabbing at my torso and limbs. Skilch! Aaarghhh! The old, rusted blades barely had edges, but they broke my skin regardless, making shallow wounds.

Blood oozed out of my cuts as I screamed. "You bony cocksuckers! Get off me!"

"Why did I enter the cave like a fool?" I wailed like an idiot. "I was safer in the hill forest!"

The skeletons had no interest in my self-loathing. They kept stabbing at every surface they could reach. At this rate, death would be quick. How strange was it to trade papercuts in the air-conditioned office with fatal stabs in a dark cave!

There were no other weapons or abilities to make use of. What could I do? What advantage did I have as an earthling?

Suddenly, an idea occurred to me. My phone! My pinned-down right arm could still reach the phone in the pocket.

As the skeletons continued their stabbing spree, I felt for the device and pushed the switch-on button through the cloth.

Ring Ring Ding Ding! My power-on tune blared throughout the cave.

"Gghh? Mghh?" Chatter! Chatter! The creatures momentarily froze, then looked around for the source of the disturbance.

This was my chance. I slipped from their loosened grips, rolled away, and scampered towards the cave's exit like a greased pig at a county fair.

The skeletons weren't ready to let me go. Perhaps I was a source of food or mana that they hadn't encountered in years. They were famished.

The cave opening was right ahead. I dived towards it and went through and across. My pursuers also followed suit, plunging forward, eager to catch me.

Crack! Rattle! As soon as sunlight hit the skeletons, they collapsed into piles of bones. I lay on the grassy ground, gasping and bleeding. It was a close shave. I survived!

"Akira, you dumb fuck, you nearly became skeleton food!" I cursed myself bitterly.

After what appeared to be at least half an hour, I staggered to my feet and dragged myself into the cave again. Inside, I found green herbs and what appeared to be bronze coins. No other loot or rewards. What a stingy world with 0.0001% drop rates!

I plucked a leaf from the herb stalk and chewed it, hoping it would heal my bleeding wounds. Instead, I vomited whatever I had eaten, and got food poisoning for an hour. Goddammit! It was like eating at Taco Bell at 3 AM.

I scrounged the cave pointlessly for an hour until the floor had a red pool. I was dying from loss of blood. No healing. No medicines. Hey, at least I would go out as a Tarantino character, with a bloody and dramatic ending, eh?