My Sweet, Accidental Dark Lord

"Seriously? Did the previous tenant raise chinchillas in here?"

Felix kicked the door open with his heel, coughing as a miniature sandstorm of dust billowed up from the carpet. He set down his heavy cardboard moving box, instantly pulling out his phone and hitting speed dial.

"Yo, Felix! You alive? Did you actually survive moving into that sketchy-ass building?" Leo’s voice bounced through the speaker, loud and crackling.

"Barely," Felix said, rubbing his nose and sneezing. "I think I just inhaled three decades of fossilized skin flakes. And what is that noise? Do you hear that?"

"What noise? All I hear is you complaining."

"It sounds like..." Felix walked toward the back of the tiny studio apartment, his sneakers crunching on the grimy, yellowed linoleum. "A dripping sink. But, like, aggressively loud. Drip. Drip. Drip. It’s vibrating through my teeth, Leo. I can feel it in my jaw."

"Bro, you’re paying sixty bucks a month in the middle of the city. You get what you pay for. Just ignore it and go to sleep."

"Ignore it? It’s pacing itself to my heartbeat! I’m going to lose my mind before I even unpack my socks. Hold on, let me check the bathroom."

Across the narrow, trash-strewn alleyway, perched on the gravel roof of an abandoned bakery, Serena Wilde adjusted the focus of her high-powered tactical sniper rifle. The crosshairs settled directly on Felix’s chest as he stepped into the bathroom.

"Target has entered the primary ritual chamber," Serena whispered into her collar mic, her heart hammering against her ribs. "He’s already scanning the perimeter. He looks... disturbingly calm, Commander."

"Copy that, Agent Wilde," a crackly voice replied in her earpiece. "Do not underestimate him. That apartment was the sanctum of the Obsidian Hand. If he’s the Reborn Master, he’s capable of wiping out a city block with a single thought."

"Understood," Serena said, her grip tightening on the cold steel of her rifle. Her breath hitched as she got a clearer view of his face through the high-powered lens. The target had messy, dark hair, sharp cheekbones, and a jawline that could probably cut glass. Why is the harbinger of the apocalypse so... physically symmetrical? she thought, shaking her head quickly to clear the intrusive thoughts. No! Focus, Serena. He’s a monster. Do not let his ridiculously attractive face distract you. "He’s communicating with someone. A telepathic link, perhaps. I caught the words 'sixty' and 'lose my mind.' He’s preparing sixty sacrifices to break his seal!"

"Keep your eyes peeled," the Commander warned. "If he starts chanting, you have permission to fire."

"Alright, I’m looking at the pipe under the sink," Felix said, setting his phone on the edge of the basin and putting it on speaker. He squeezed his torso into the cramped cabinet, coughing as more dust fell into his face. "It looks like it’s been rusted shut since the Cold War."

"Be careful, man," Leo said over the line. "You aren't exactly a certified plumber. Remember the time you tried to fix your toaster and ended up shutting down power to the entire block?"

"That was a design flaw in the toaster! Besides, how hard can this be? Righty-tighty, lefty-loosey." Felix reached into his pocket and pulled out a bright yellow, plastic adjustable wrench he bought at a discount store. "I’ll just clamp this bad boy on the valve."

"A plastic wrench? Felix, you're going to break that. What are you, twelve?"

"It was ninety-nine cents! And it’s adjustable! See? It turns. I’m just going to give it a little nudge... Ugh. Wow, okay. It’s really stuck."

"Don't force it, man."

"I am using every muscle in my body, Leo! This stupid valve is welded shut by history! Come on... turn... just a little bit... please..."

Felix grunted, leaning his entire body weight into the turn. The plastic wrench groaned under the strain, and then, with a violent screech of tearing metal, the ancient, rusted valve ruptured.

SHKKKKKK!

A pressurized jet of dark, muddy, crimson-tinted rust water exploded directly into Felix’s face.

"AAAHHH! WHAT THE HELL! IT'S IN MY MOUTH!" Felix shrieked, stumbling backward out of the cabinet, slipping on the wet floor, and crashing hard onto his backside. He was completely drenched in thick, red, metallic-smelling water. "IT'S EVERYWHERE! LEO, I'M DROWNING in rust! It's blood red! Oh, sweet lord, it tastes like pennies and regret!"

Through her scope, Serena gasped, her hand nearly slipping from the trigger. The bathroom window had suddenly filled with a spray of deep, crimson fluid, coating the walls, the mirror, and the target himself.

"Commander! The blood ritual has erupted!" Serena hissed into her mic, her voice trembling with a mixture of terror and awe. "He broke the seal! Crimson liquid is spraying everywhere! He’s... he’s bathing in it! He’s literally coating himself in the blood of his victims to restore his primordial power!"

"Is he chanting?!" the Commander asked, sounding panicked.

"Yes! He’s screaming in an ancient, cursed tongue!" Serena cried, watching Felix flail on the ground, wiping the red liquid from his eyes. "He keeps shouting about 'pennies' and 'regret'! Commander, 'pennies' must be a metaphor for the souls of the weak! The sheer cruelty of this man... it’s sickening!"

She stared as Felix grabbed the edge of the sink, pulling himself up. His wet shirt clung to his chest, defining a toned, muscular frame beneath the red-stained fabric. Serena’s throat went dry. Oh, great. Now he’s a wet, blood-soaked, insanely hot dark lord. My training did not prepare me for this.

"Leo! Hang up! I need to find the main shutoff!" Felix yelled, scrambling to his feet. In his panic, his foot caught on the edge of the bath mat, and he went flying forward.

As he fell, the plastic wrench slipped from his hand and flew across the room, landing with a heavy clack right in the center of a weird, circular carving hidden beneath the peeling linoleum near the doorway.

The moment the metal-plated bolt of the plastic wrench made contact with the dust-covered groove, the rusty water pooling on the floor rushed into the carving, filling the ancient runes.

VROOOOM.

A sudden, brilliant flash of violet light erupted from the floorboards, illuminating the entire bathroom.

"What the hell?!" Felix shouted, shielding his eyes. "Did the outlet just spark? Oh, great! Water got into the electrical socket! I’m gonna get electrocuted!"

"Felix? Did something explode?!" Leo’s voice cracked through the phone.

"I think a fuse just blew! The lights flickered purple! My landlord is going to sue me!" Felix panicked, lunging toward the wall near the toilet where a rusty, heavy iron lever sat—the building's ancient, individual main water shutoff. He grabbed the lever and yanked it down with all his remaining strength.

CLUNK.

The water pressure instantly died. The spraying pipe sputtered, dripped once, and went silent. The purple glow from the floor, starved of the water that had bridged the magical circuit, flickered out and vanished into thin air.

Felix slumped against the wall, panting, covered in red muck. "Okay... okay. The water’s off. The electricity didn't kill me. I'm alive. But I look like a background extra in a low-budget horror movie."

*

Serena’s jaw literally dropped. She lowered the rifle slightly, her eyes wide as she stared through the scope.

"He... he neutralized the dimensional rift," she whispered, her voice full of disbelief.

"What happened, Agent Wilde? Did the ritual complete?"

"No," Serena said, her voice shaking. "He... he unleashed a massive surge of high-level dark mana. The entire room glowed with the violet light of the abyss. But then... with a single, casual flick of his wrist, he grabbed an ancient lever of power and suppressed the entire magical eruption. He just... canceled a Class-A cataclysm like it was nothing."

"He suppressed it?!" the Commander gasped. "He’s even stronger than we feared. If his power is already at that level, we can’t let him leave that building. Serena, you have to neutralize him before he fully acclimates to his reborn vessel."

Serena stared at Felix through her scope. He was currently trying to wring out his shirt, revealing a glimpse of toned, pale skin. Her chest tightened, a strange, electric thrill running down her spine. He was the enemy. A dangerous, terrifying, strangely gorgeous force of evil.

"Understood, Commander," Serena said, her voice turning firm and resolute. She slinged her rifle over her shoulder and grabbed her tactical daggers from her belt. "I'm moving in for a close-quarters breach. I'll end his resurrection before he can cast another spell."

"Godspeed, Serena. Be careful."

Serena took a deep breath, stepping off the edge of the dusty rooftop and plunging into the shadows, heading straight for the window of apartment 4B.